1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help me d:

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Serephina, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. Serephina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Oh. Hi there. Okay. Woah. Having a mini panic attack.

    -takes deep, calming breaths-

    ... that didn't help D:

    Okay. Lemme explain. My best friend/ex boyfriend/guitarist was over today. And frick I wanted to kiss him. But at the same time, I didn't. And I was just starting to think that I'd finally accepted that I'm more into lady bits, but now I'm like D: AHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

    so yeah. i'm panicking. in case you didn't notice >.>

    So yeah. There's that. And then earlier today, I was hanging out with my bff for life - lets call her Harriet - and I wanted to tell her, wanted to tell someone, that I think I may be gay. But then I was like D: oh god. what if she hates me. what if she doesn't want to sleep over anymore. ohgodohgodohgod.

    PANIC.

    So yeah. That's how my day has gone. I wrote a new poem . . . like three seconds ago. That's a lie. I'm actually debating writing one as I type these words. Kay. Imma try to work through my panic and make the wordvomit a little more understandable. I always think clearer when I'm thinking in verse.

    Facing choices -- left or right?
    One takes a bender,
    straight out of sight.
    The other's more gentle,
    a slope straight downhill,
    but the reward at the end,
    is little to nill.
    I can see all my friends,
    waving me down.
    They're happy down there,
    but I look with a frown.
    I glance to the right,
    and I know what I'll do.
    But alone is something
    I'll be without you.
    Panic! I scream and I rant and I rave
    but sadly, the decision's already been made.
    I know what I want,
    and I know what I need.
    Both sides of my heart
    have already agreed.​

    I HAVE NOT AGREED TO ANYTHING! DAMN YOU VERSE D:​

     
  2. Toffee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2012
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London, UK
    Well you've written in that poem that you know what you want and I think you probably do know what you want. It seems like you wanted your ex boyfriend but at the same time did not want to want him. We can't just switch our feelings off unfortunately and I think you know that sometimes you can be attracted to men and you are finding that unnerving because you thought you had your identity figured out.

    I think the orientation you have written in your description sounds pretty accurate "bisexual but leaning more towards the ladies"

    Your friend Harriet may reject you that's true but I can only say that she would not be a friend worth having if she could reject you for something so arbitrary.
     
  3. Serephina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    That's exactly it ; I know she'd be okay with it, but I'm convincing myself otherwise. And I freaking hate it because I'm panicking for no reason, but that doesn't calm me down at all, knowing that.

    Panicface D: JFLSDFHALKFoFJALKFDJSjcsdk:fgGFLKASGNDSLKGAFJKLGgnfdlgksnlgk​

     
  4. Fruitylicious

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2012
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    First off, you are amazing at poetry, I couldn't even come close to this if I tried:slight_smile:

    On topic: Just calm down and take some deep breaths, the mind can play our worst fears and imaginations, but what happens in reality is really the opposite of them. Just try to listen to some music or write some more poetry, whatever relaxes you, because both music and poetry can express how you feel. Also with poetry, you sometimes work out issues that are going on, using that method, so not only can it be beautiful, but it can also help give you an answer to a problem that you are wanting to solve.:slight_smile:

    So again just take a deep breath and know that reality and what you imagine happening are two different things and just try to find a way to sort of balance yourself and then do what you feel you need to do.(*hug*)
     
  5. Serephina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Blah, thanks Fruity. I'm just freaking out, because part of me still wants my best friend - I mean, I've been in love with him forever. But I'm starting to doubt that I was every sexually attracted to him. Because as much as I loved kissing him, any time he tried to take it farther than that, I got awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't want him to touch me, at all. But then with my other boyfriend - at least the only other one I was serious with - all it was was physical attration. We didn't once have a G-rated, or even PG-13 encounter. It was just this constant state of "Gotta have you, right freaking now". And while he said he loved me, and I said it back, I'm not sure I ever meant it. I mean, he forced me to say it in the first place . . . I'm just so confused. I've known that I liked lady-bits and man-sticks since I was like, ten, but the not being so into guys thing is new for me. And like frick. I want kids, so bad. And while I know if I end up with a girl, we could adopt, it's just . . . Not the same. I don't know. I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for a future I planned when I was eight. Blah. Blah!

    Close your eyes,
    Imagine this:
    Sealing forever
    With but a kiss.
    That's all it takes
    To know for sure
    To take her hand,
    And close the door.
    But I can hear
    Their tender cries
    A choice I'd have
    To leave behind.
    Ah! I can't
    Make this choice
    But in my ear,
    I hear her voice.
    "Come with me,"
    She says, so sweet.
    And I, reluctantly,
    Accept defeat.​

    ... ... ... Yeah.​

     
  6. Serephina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    She won't shut up. She's demanding I keep writing. I don't want to face this yet, but she won't let me shove it back inside it's box. She's shaking my room of secrets, and they're spilling everywhere. I can't do this. I can't.

    "It's alright" she whispers,
    And I scream that it's not.
    She wants to hold me, caress me,
    But I want to rot.
    "Leave me be," I beg,
    "Let me lie here and die."
    She doesn't reply, but
    I see fear in her eyes.
    "Don't waste what we have,"
    She says to me, cries
    "Give love a chance,
    Before you lay down and die."
    I just shake my head, because
    I know it's not true.
    "I can't love myself, so
    I can't ever love you."
    Its her turn to cry, but
    She doesn't give up.
    "I know what we have,
    And most call it love.
    You'll realize it soon;
    I'll be here when you do.
    Cause I know I can't
    Survive without you."
    I sit and I cry,
    Because she can't speak the truth.
    But she repeats, "I know I can't
    Survive without you."​

     
  7. Serephina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    So I told my best friend . . . oh my god. I'm panicking. D: PANIC. I can't even get it together enough to write another poem x.x​

     
  8. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    Lovely poem, ok so best friends r best for a reason I'd love to hear what she says. I was just as worried as you r when I told my BFF and basically she burst out in laughter for about 10 whole minute the said she was so worried cause I was so serious she thought I was sick or something. She asked me y I bring up my sexuality now? I said I just realize I was interested in a girl. This made her start lol again, "wow u r dense ive known your gay since we were 7" I'm pissed at this point, until she says " Hugh... Did you honestly think I would ever stop loving you? Your the batman to my robin, man your crazy sometimes thinking you'll get rid of me, who else is going to be you maid of honor & tell end arising stories about you to your future partner.:newcolor: