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BDSM: D/s relationship question. :(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SwitchBitch420, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. SwitchBitch420

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    For those of you that don't know, BDSM stands for (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism)

    I am the femme in our relationship and my girlfriend is the butch.

    Normally, one would think they've got us all figured out. The butch must wear the pants and be the dominate one in bed.. and the femme is a fucking pillow princess and/or very submissive. But no, this is not the case for us at all. & I am saddened as hell by this. :frowning2:

    My butch says she doesn't like to play the Dominant role in bed, that it's just not her and she did it with every other one of her relationships(all with femmes) just because they were into it and she had to "fake it" because society says Dykes/Butches "have to be that way" [ dominant ] - She says she's at the point with me where she's VERY comfortable around me, with me.. and just loves that she can be herself.

    THIS is her, explained perfectly:

    Pseudo Stud ~ (aka the "I wish I was hard" stud)

    This is the type of stud that is a pretender. She is hard on the street, around her boyz and femmes that she is not dating. When she goes home to her femme, however, she drops the facade. Her girl takes control and may even dominate her in bed. She may even allow her girl to use a strap-on with her. Her girl may sometimes wonder who the femme really is in the relationship. This type of stud may also have a secret attraction to fem-studs, new age studs and in some cases butches. A lot of white dykes fall in this category (u see them walking around holding hands, butch with butch.) On rare cases you see them in the black community. You know the type, where you are constantly wondering who’s the daddy. This is the type of stud that needs to have her stud card revoked!! <--- NOT my words. Found this on Google.


    She acts hard and the normal "male role" / societys idea of what a butch is.. with her boys and friends and even her family.. but in the bedroom, AND not sexually, she is submissive as fuck. I, for one, love to be submissive and totally dominated but she isn't into it. How the hell are we suppose to work if I have to keep this facade that I'm totally into being dominant with her? (EXAMPLES: tying her up and "taking whats mine" // taking her over my lap and "teaching her a lesson" // throwing her down and ripping her clothes off and fucking her like a slave bitch boi!)

    I tried telling her to be more dominant but she does, fucking horribly, and tells me, "But baby, when I look into your eyes, I just want to obey you and listen to you and be your little bitch pretty much." & I act like I love it but inside I fucking hate it and it's RUINING my libido. The reason I won't tell her ( I pretty much refuse to ) is because she doesn't think I'm submissive @ all. She says I'm dominant as hell and she loves it.. but really I'M ONLY DOING IT BC SHE TOLD ME SHE LIKES THAT! I don't want to hurt her feelings or have her think I've been lying this whole time. -3 months, btw. Short but it's a serious steady relationship somehow already.. been talking on/off w. her for 6 years now!!

    But yeah, the gist of it is I don't want to be dominant.. I kind of want to be a bit of a pillow princess ( but I love giving her oral in return. i am NOT stingy at allllllllll!!!! ) I just want to be able to be dominated. WHAT THE HELL?

    What do I do?

    Do I keep pretending to keep her so happy?

    If I tell her, it will crush her..


    And she hates "vanilla"
    and I hate it even more when she fucking calls me that!! UGH!!!1

    How can I change my butch if she's finally comfortable enough to let me in on this side of her ( BDSM ) and her "Slave" submissive side.. ??? && she said I'm her Owner and everything.. wants me to put a leash / collar on her. No problem, shit, I'm freaky & down for anything.. as long as it's safe, smart and consensual.


    I just hate being dommy and she hates being dommy.

    HOW do we work this out? It's unnatural for her to FAKE domme, and me too.

    Please help. Any little advice is sincerely appreciated!!!!!!!!!


    :help:
     
  2. Greendalehumans

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    Um I'm no expert on any of this, but can't you both just be equals? And I don't think it's fair of you to try to change her at all.
     
  3. SwitchBitch420

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    I said I don't want to change her. Obviously you didn't read the entire thing. :/

    & I tried. She said she "DOESNT KNOW HOW TO BE DOMINATE"
    wtf garbage is that? ^ :'(

    I can be a perfect domme AND the perfect sub. wtf..​
     
    #3 SwitchBitch420, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  4. Greendalehumans

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    Well you shouldn't try to make her do something that she obviously doesn't like. And if she can't be dominant then that's the way it is. Just because you are fine doing both doesn't mean that everyone is.
    Also, you're asking for help on a forum and you're being extremely rude. And you have posted this same thread a bunch of times in a row. I suggest you delete all but one of them.
     
  5. SwitchBitch420

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    I'm not being extremely rude at all. I apologize if it seems that way. I'm just really upset about this. This is going to be a deal breaker for me if shit don't change.

    ALL I want is to be dominated.. and after several attempts, it always just seems FORCED when she does it.. like she's just not into it.. and in all reality, I feel the same way when I do it. Understand? :/

    If she continues to be so submissive, I am going to eventually lose respect.

    And OTOH, I can't force her or even ask her to change because that is WHO she is!!!! I just feel terrible and guilty for acting Dominant and letting her believe this is me 24/7.. when in reality, it's only a small percentage of me.

    Again, I am sorry. The wtf's were unnecessary.

    PS: It won't let me delete them. I did it by accident.​
     
    #5 SwitchBitch420, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  6. justinf

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    Well, you did say this:
    Now I don't know if you meant that you don't want to change her, or were asking for advice on how to, but it can be interpreted both ways, and since your whole post seemed leaning towards wanting to get her to dominate you, I can understand why above poster interpreted it like the latter.

    If I'm completely honest, you could be a little more understanding of her. You say you do things that you actually don't really want to do, and that's great as long as you don't feel really uncomfortable doing so, but it's not fair to expect the same from your girlfriend. This might just be something she really doesn't want to do.

    Plus, not everyone -- in fact, most people don't -- fit into the submissive or dominant character, but are rather balanced in that regard. It sounds like in this particular relationship you might want to reconsider whether or not BDSM is really a good idea. You both don't really -- or even at all -- enjoy being dominant, so it may be a better idea to both be balanced and forget about the BDSM.

    I think you two should sit down and have a good talk about what it is that you both are willing to and, more importantly, not willing to do, and be completely honest while doing so.
    That way neither of you has to do something you're not comfortable with, and your frustration will go away as well.

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 06:00 AM ----------

    Oh, I just read this. I'd just like to say that, yes, making compromises is great, and it is really nice of you that you are willing to do so, but this seems to be something that she just doesn't want to do, and you should respect that.
     
    #6 justinf, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  7. SwitchBitch420

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    The problem is that she brought ME into this BDSM lifestyle..

    She said she is all about it and I'm the first girl that she dated that she ever felt comfortable enough to let me in on it.

    & I love that side of her. The kinky side. But, yeah, I do really want her to dominate me. I can't stand this.. it's driving me crazy. ( There are no excuses for my rudeness before, as I apologized, but someone has got to see where I'm coming from. )

    I really care for her, deeply.. and this lifestyle is ALL HER.

    I don't really want to take it away from her like that, you know? :frowning2:

    I feel bad.

    I feel worse if I told her, no, I'll be vanilla like ALL of your ex girlfriends..
    so you could totally get bored of me and my vanilla (aka BORING/SHITTY to her) sex.

    On a side note: Sex with her.. is all about BDSM. Pain, pleasure, taking over.. essentially her pretending like shes the "standard textbook butch" and I pretend im a domme femme. Every time sex comes up its ALL about her wanting to get taken care of, fucked and ravaged. & I have to act powerful, big and bad but I want to be taken care of, fucked and ravaged as well!!!!!! I don't see why that's so difficult. It hurts, like I am not worthy of it or something.

    Idk, man. :frowning2:
    This shit hurts.

    I got this lump in my throat and pain in my chest, shallow breathing..
    I'm sad.. really sad. & Scared this is going to ruin us.

    I don't wanna be "vanilla" with her.. im scared she'll get bored,
    or worse, say..
    I told you so.

    & Act like she dont mind but really she craves it. :frowning2: Am I a shit gf ????

    I do EVERY single thing she asks with the utmost respect and motivation.


    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 04:06 AM ----------

    She has even asked me "Am I butch enough for you?" a few times.

    I said Yes, every time.. and added in, but you could be a bit more domme in bed.

    She screams, offended as all hell, I'M TRYING!!!

    :frowning2: Despite her "best" forced efforts, I'm left feeling quite unsatisfied and false.
     
    #7 SwitchBitch420, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  8. justinf

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    Well, you shouldn't do stuff you don't want to just to please her. It's absolutely fantastic if you enjoy it as well, but if you really don't feel comfortable doing so, then don't!

    By all means, talk about it with her. Tell her everything you told us, and discuss it.
    And if you feel like you're the only one making compromises, like she should give in a bit as well, again.. tell her.

    I think the most important issue here is a lack of communication. Me and my boyfriend are very very very incompatible sex wise, but we still have a great sex life because we talk about it, both make compromises, but don't do things we're not comfortable with.

    Talk, talk, talk.
     
  9. SwitchBitch420

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    But does he get mad or discouraged when you tell him you are not comfortable doing certain things? My girl is VERY VERY VERY sensitive but I really, really like her.

    & She is adult and mature. Very, very mature.
    I know she would understand..

    But it will hurt her that after all the times she's asked me,
    I always say Everything is perfect. I love it like this,
    why would I lie? :frowning2:

    My biggest fear is I won't satisfy her with my "vanilla" ( soft ) sex... and she'll leave me. I don't know how to tell / show her this. I know she's capable of handling the truth..

    She even told me "Babe, I don't NEED that side. I choose you over that!"

    But I can tell she really wants it. What would you do?
    ( That goes to anyone reading this, as well. )
     
  10. justinf

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    If she is as mature and loves you as much as you say she does, then she won't be mad or disappointent if you tell her you're not comfortable doing certain things. If anything, she'll be glad you did.

    And anyone that leaves you because you didn't exactly satisfy their wishes in bed is someone you don't even want to be with. You want someone who appreciates you for you, and who doesn't want you doing stuff you don't feel comfortable with.

    It sounds like she really cares about you, though.
     
  11. SwitchBitch420

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    Awwww, you're very helpful. & You know what.. I may grow a pair and actually tell her. This time, the full story. Thank you, a lot!!!!! <3 :*
     
  12. Zontar

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    My date and I are into the whole D/s thing.

    Quite frankly, I could never imagine her being dominant. Some people just don't have it in 'em. I could play either role personally, but she would never take the dominant role.

    You can think of it as an orientation in and of itself. If this is posing that significant of a problem, you should see how important D/s is to your relationship and whether or not it can continue if your interests are that discordant.