Ok, I'll try to keep this short as possible. I'm a bit upset at the moment so I hope to make some sense. I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 months and everything is pretty much perfect. I'm planning to move in with her in a few months and finally tell my family/friends about my sexuality. It's a big step but I love her and I really feel like she's the one for me. The problem is with her ex girlfriend. They were together for 12 years, which is a long time and her ex left her for a man so I can understand that she'd be upset about the breakup. I just feel that she's not over this yet and still spends a great deal of time thinking about her and sometimes I do fear that she'd take her back if her ex asked her. It's like despite being with me, I'm just a replacement and that there's three people in the relationship. She talks about her ex quite a lot and I guess I make it clear that I don't want to listen to it but I've found a few things that makes it hard to ignore. I know you'll have a go at me and say how wrong I was to do this but I looked in this journal I got her, she said she was using it for a project and I really didnt know that she was writing a diary. Theres a lot of writing about her ex and to be honest, I dont think I was mentioned once. It really hurt to think that when I'm not there, her thoughts are taken up with her former girlfriend. Also she keeps a box filled with cards and letters and momentos given to her and it just makes me feel really upset and hurt that she's holding onto something that was in the past when she has me. I feel that I'm not enough for her. I don't want to be living with her if her ex is constantly being a silent threat to our relationship. I wish I could take her mind off the past and see what we have together but I'm so scared that I'm going to lose her. I've never felt this way about anyone, I can't sleep because I'm always worrying about whats going to happen. I know I need to talk to her but I'm not sure if I should be supportive and try to help her through this hurt she's experienced or if I should be the opposite.
talk it out with her. get it out in the open because thinking about this is hurting you. you need to let her know how you feel. plain and simple. thats my opinion.
I have said a few times : "Am I just a replacement?" and said that maybe she should have spent more time getting over her ex before jumping into a new relationship. But its like she's ashamed of anyone figuring out how shes feeling so she just says anything to reassure me. I dont want to put an ultimatum to her and I guess I'm terrified incase she decides for us to take a break. Got no one to talk to about this, I don't know what else I can do to find out her true feelings.
i dunno, i hope im not being insensitive. but if she really does feel the way you think she does about her ex, maybe it would be in your best interest to break it off. because you deserve someone who loves you, and only you. she still could be the one, but maybe, like you said, she needed and still needs that time she didnt have to get over her ex? i think you need to just sit her down, pour out your heart, and tell her to be brutally honest with you.
I'm so scared of what shell say. I want to know if she wants me like she says she does but at the same time, it would destroy me to hear that she doesn't. How much time willl it take? It's been over a year and I just don't want this to be something I'm having to compete with. I love her more than words can say, I really do.
Not for nothing, her ex encompassed twelve years of her life, and considering that it was kinda randomly broken off for some guy has got to leave a person feeling rather confused and such. It is entirely possible she was not ready for a new relationship when you started out, and if that's the case then you two will need to figure out what the plan of action is. The diary is a place where she feels she can safely express her feelings about her ex, and that is certainly healthier than bottling up those emotions. I wouldn't fret about not being mentioned in there, because to me that just means you haven't done anything that she feels needs to be discussed between herself and a pen, which I will take to be a good thing. Unless she is writing about plans to break up with you and trying to win her ex back, don't fret about her written venting. The best thing you can do is to be as supportive of her as you can, and to not force your thoughts on her. She needs to have space enough to come to terms with her feelings, and if that means taking a break then thats what happens. Loving her is going to mean letting her be the person she needs to be, whether that includes you or not. It's a sad thought, but living a lie would only make things worse. On the other hand, if she can get over it then that makes your relationship that much stronger.
hey darling, you know my thoughts on all of this, but i just wanted to let you know that we are always here, and that theres some good advice here. well talk soon. ive been crzy busy. *hugs*
As someone coming out of a 10 year relationship, it's entirely natural to have a lot of things to talk about that involve my ex wife. Of course, we also had kids, so we'll always be a part of each other's life. The past 10 years make up a huge part of my life, and who I am, and there's just no avoiding that. Fortunately, my bf is in the same boat. So we can relate to each other in terms of having kids and ex wives. You're not in that position, and therefore may have trouble relating to her or these feelings. They may not be anything to be concerned about. At the same time, honesty is important in any relationship. If you're feeling insecure, you need to tell her. There's no point in keeping that to yourself. You'll have to trust her when she tells you that you don't have anything to worry about. That may or may not be the case - only time will tell. So will YOU be happier continuing to build this relationship with her, or cutting it off and finding someone that makes you MORE happy? Only you know the answer to that question.
