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help dealing with straight male colleague..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fluidity, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. fluidity

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    OK.. so I've gotten myself into a pretty awkward situation with work colleagues and could do with some advice on how to handle it..

    I was out (as a lesbian, I rarely come out as bisexual as people take it the wrong way and I'm mostly gay!) to a few people at work but not all, mainly because it just never came up. I went for a few after work drinks with colleagues, and a few turned to many.. and then one of the guys (I work mainly just with men) mentioned that he'd heard I was a lesbian .. this managed to stop all conversation and I had quite an intimidating situation whereby 10 or so men were asking me to explain my sexuality and why I dont go for men. I don't like denying my sexuality once it's brought up so I told them it was true and that's just the way I feel. Several of them started making jokes and asking the 'typical blokey' questions.. and I guess I made the mistake of just laughing it all off and not making it clear that they were being offensive.

    So.. after a few more drinks these guys want to go to a gay bar with me. I explain that it will be mostly gay men (no chance would all of them get into a girls only bar). We pile into a taxi and I'm feeling quite happy that they all seem to be accepting now that the jokes are over..

    When we get to the gay district, the men start acting strange and most of them make their excuses and leave. I'm left with one guy. I think we may as well just go for a dance, he clearly seems open and we should have a fun night.

    We have a fun night.. and then he kisses me. He's married to someone in my office. I get angry and push him away and he says it's my fault for being such an 'overtly sexual' lesbian and it just makes men want me more. I have no idea when I became 'overtly sexual', I guess it was when I didn't put down their jokes strongly enough.

    So.. Monday morning comes along and he emails me in work and asks to meet for a coffee. I think he must want to apologise or at least clear the air, so I agree to meet him later this week after work. And then he replies that we should go to a gaybar again, gives me his mobile number and says he's looking forward to it.

    So, after this awfully long ramble (apologies) I guess my question is..
    Could he still just want to clear the air? Should I cancel in case he thinks it's more than that? And how do I deal with the fact that the men in my office may all now think I'm an 'overtly sexual lesbian'. (and how do I avoid this happening again!!)

    I would be so grateful for any advice anyone can offer. I feel in such a mess, I work in a professional environment with mainly men, and their respect has been hard enough to obtain without this.
     
  2. BudderMC

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    Honestly, that sounds like sexual harassment, and I'd file a complaint. I don't know whether that means your work or the police or whatnot (I'm terrible at these kinds of situations) but to let that behaviour go unchecked doesn't seem like a good idea. Even moreso because he's married.

    That said, I personally wouldn't go to the bar with him again unless for some reason you're really, really comfortable with the idea. If he wants to clear the air he can do that without having to go to a bar with you.

    Trust isn't given, it's earned, and I think he needs to earn some of that back after the other night.
     
  3. Toaddy

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    I don't have personal experience in things such as these but i would suggest you make it clear to him that there is nothing possible between you two. For the office thing, don't take it to heart. What people think of you is their problem, not yours.
     
  4. ameliawesome

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    that does sound like sexual harrassment, and they sound kinda assholey. if you want the air cleared between you and that one guy, you do it on your terms. you pick the location, or just call him on the phone to talk about it. it sounds like these guys think they just have control over everything, including you. they think they can make you tell them why you're gay, they think they can turn you ungay, and there's no reason why you have to do anything they say. i understand you need your job and all, but that behavior cannot be rewarded in any way. you can be good-humored yet strong at the same time. you could say something like "you guys, we can still get along and have fun, but you have to treat me with respect." good luck with this situation.
     
  5. fluidity

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    Thanks for everyone's advice. I met him and he apologised and said he'd been feeling awful all week. So hopefully nothing like that should happen again! Phew! As for the others, I guess I'll only know on the next work drinks, but I'm going to take your advice and be more clear about what is and isn't ok with me! Ahhh so relieved I don't have the awful situation I thought I had any more. And I guess I'm completely out at work now.. word has gotten around, so at least no-one will be taken by surprise again which should limit awkwardness! :slight_smile:
     
  6. awesomeyodais

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    Did he by any chance kiss you at the bar?

    Because I'm reading this as he's somewhat curious, likes to explore that gay bar environment with you as his "oh no i'm into girls" cover (aka beard)... hence the (still inappropriate) kiss... then the panicked explanation for it
     
  7. fluidity

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    No, he was completely appropriate this time, we weren't in a gay bar this time either though. He did tell me about some gay experiences when he was younger so maybe he is somewhat curious by the gay scene in general. But the way he said it was more as in trying to let me know he wasn't actually homophobic. Either way, his motives are completely his business, as long as nothing like that happens again. We've left it quite friendly so I'm sure if he wants to chat he will, but I certainly won't be bringing it up with him!