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my story.. and also need coming out advice!!! please<3

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Nickygirl, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. Nickygirl

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Ok so here is the story of how I found out I’m a lesbian….
    I’ve had 4 bfs.. and none of them I actually felt attracted to. None. I said yes when they asked me out and went along when they started to call me their gf because I was expected to. I never liked them that way. They were friends, but I didn’t feel that sort of attraction. When they kissed me it took everything in me not to pull away absolutely disgusted by it. It just felt wrong. When they flirted with me I didn’t flirt back. I felt weird and awkward. I knew it was supposed to feel happy and excited by a guy being s into me, instead I hated it. No matter how hot they were I didn’t like them like that. I knew that was weird and would write it off as that it wasn’t the right guy or I would tell myself “He’s so hot!! You should be in love with him!! Wth is wrong with you?!?”.. My most recent bf was really hot and totally my type and yet I found myself looking for reasons to dump him, and then beating myself up over it later. When he mentioned sex I just felt totally disgusted by the idea of having sex with him. I told him I just wasn’t ready to have sex which was kind of true but really the reason was that I didn’t know if I’d ever want to have sex with a guy. Later I felt really guilty and horrible for thinking that because it was/is expected that I’ll have sex with a guy and marry a guy and have kids with a guy. I didn’t see how I could not want that when that’s what everyone else wanted and what I’d been told my whole life that I would want. But thing is, I never did..
    Then last year I met a bunch of bisexual girls a year older than me and we instantly became bffs. I felt like I could be myself with them. At that time I still told them and everyone else I was strait and never imagined I’d ever actually be a lesbian. They started joking around that they were my gfs. They never kissed me or anything but they would sometimes talk and act like they were my gf and not my friend and well you know what I mean. I slowly found myself wishing that it wasn’t a joke. There was one girl from the group that I was really close to and I actually had a crush on her but I never told her or anyone because everyone thinks I’m strait.
    This year after the recent bf I talked about and me broke up I started to seriously think about the possibility that I’m not strait after all. But every time I would stop myself and try to tell myself it was impossible and what’s wrong with me that I’m thinking that. Then very recently like 2 weeks ago I decided that I’m done pretending to like guys and beating myself up for liking girls instead. I started to accept the fact that I am almost definitely gay.
    The next part is weird and I have a feeling this doesn’t happen to the rest of you; it was like freaky… I sometimes get this feeling of if something is wrong or right. I’ll just know somehow. And as soon as I honestly accepted that I am a lesbian instantly this insane sense of peace and calm came over me and just the feeling that yes this is what I’m meant to be. From that point on I don’t question my sexuality anymore. I stopped pretending to myself that I liked guys and start really accepted that I like girls instead. I still have told no one though.. I’ve thought many times of coming out to my bi friends and maybe even the slight possibility that I could ask the one girl out and when I come out they will be the first I tell. As for my other friend they will be supportive but it will come as more of a shock to them and I am scared of how they’ll take it.. then of course there’s my mom who although not totally homophobic she has made it clear that although we can be friend with gay/bi/lesbian people we are not lesbians ourselves and whenever I bring up my bi friends she makes this big deal of how we shouldn’t think we can just do that and think it’s socially acceptable.. so I don’t know if I can tell her r if I do I have a feeling she won’t be ok with it. She will still love me and everything but she will be very angry and do whatever she can to convince me I’m wrong. So I don’t know what to do :help: any advice or anything would help please!!
     
  2. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    :welcome:Hello new member nice of you to join. First I think just about everyone on this site can relate to how you feel. Most general answer i can give you is to try a group or therapist I now those sound odd but they do help. Next it's good just to talk it out which is why this site is so nice. If you every want to talk just message me, I now how hard it is in high school and I'm glad your starting to except yourself.:thewave:
     
  3. rikibamboo

    Regular Member

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    I agree with this statement. What you felt is exactly how I felt when I first came out to myself. I was in such denial. Had a girlfriend in college but would always make excuses to not see her. She was a really good friend but the idea of being intimate with her really turned me off. We soon broke it off.

    I knew going into the relationship that I didn't feel anything for her and that I was probably gay. I guess I felt I should "try it out" anyway because I was in such a state of denial and thought that having a girlfriend would somehow make me start liking girls to some degree.

    I became really confused after that whole ordeal. I guess that was when I started to realize that me being gay may be permanent. I didn't know who to talk to about it. Couldn't talk to my friends or family so I looked up a psychology professor at my college who did work with LGBT youth. Was so nervous when I came to talk to her, after a good hour of beating around the bush she very gently asked me, "does this have something to do with your sexuality?" What followed was the hardest "Yes" I've ever had to say. Couldn't even look at her straight in the eyes because I was sobbing so much.

    It was really only at that moment that I mentally came out to myself. And it felt like a whole block had just been lifted from my shoulders. Like I didn't have to hide anymore. Since then, I've been coming out bit by bit. Each time getting easier and easier. It still is a struggle though, even with people I know are very accepting of LGBT people.
     
  4. Nickygirl

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    little waving peolplez=so cute!! lol sorry i'm random xD
    anyway yea thanks. i know what i'm going through is like the same as everyone else if not better than how alot of people have it but i feel so alone idk what to do >.< that's why i joined this i was looking on google for something like this so i could talk to other people about it. i wanna come out soon at least to some people but idk yet till then its just nice to be able to talk about it here:slight_smile: thanks guys!!<3
     
    #4 Nickygirl, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  5. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Welcome to the EC Nicky :slight_smile:

    This is a great place to come out to yourself, and learn about yourself as well.

    I know when I came out to myself, it was so peaceful, I have never had that feeling like ever. So yes it is wonderful to know yourself (*hug*)