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Getting tired of all my straight crushes...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by blacksheep, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. blacksheep

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    Location:
    Maryland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    So I have a new crush...

    It's the first guy I've liked in a long while. And I'm actually devastated by it.... You see, every guy that I've EVER had a crush on, all six of them since I was in high school till now age 25 (I'm talking only about major crushes, ones that lasted for months and months or even years, not little ones that were like two weeks or whatever) has been straight. Yeah, I know, every gay person has suffered through this, I know I'm not alone, and I know it's been discussed over and over again.... but my latest straight crush has hit me pretty hard.

    When I first met him I immediately thought he was gay. I didn't just think it, I practically knew it and sensed it. It just seemed so obvious to me that the thought that he wasn't never. even. crossed. my mind. He's not flamboyant or anything, but there was just something about him I can't explain... as soon as he first opened his mouth I was like, "Yep. Gay." I got such strong gay vibes from him it was like I could practically smell it in the air around him.

    I didn't immediately get a crush on him, though. It wasn't until about a month after meeting him (we're coworkers and both started working around the same time), that I started to like him... and I was happy. So happy. I was excited. I felt like FINALLY, for once, I liked someone who was actually gay! And even better, I totally got the feeling that was interested back.

    But then after starting to like him, feeling great about liking someone who is gay for once, I get smacked in the face with this: He has a girlfriend... who he's been dating for two years. And now I just feel absolutely devastated by it. I feel like, how could I have been SO wrong. I know you could always just say that maybe he's closeted and his girlfriend is just a cover... that obviously happens and lots of guys in denial certainly do have girlfriends. But going from being sure he was gay to now overanalyzing everything he says and does to be a sign he's secretly closeted is not healthy.

    We've all done it. Crush on the straight guy and we become delusional thinking he's giving off signs he's secretly closeted. And now, after been so excited about what I thought was a gay crush, I'm right back to the same old straight crush cycle delusions. And I'm getting tired of it. I almost feel like I'm incapable of having a crush on an actual gay person!

    And not only that, even though every time I see him I say to myself "he has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend, get over it, he has a girlfriend" I can't help but jumping right back into overanalyzing him and now I'm just worried I'm seeing what I what to see like always. I feel like I'm crazy.

    It just hurts because I'm completely head over heels for this guy. I don't think I've ever had a crush on someone this badly. It hurts because for a month of liking him, I actually thought I had a chance. And it hurts because since finding out about his girlfriend, I still feel like he's secretly gay. I could go into the reasons why, but I feel like it doesn't matter. If he really is gay, what good does it do me? He's closeted, not ready to come out, and has a girlfriend. If he's really just one of the gayest-seeming straight people ever and I'm terrible at reading people, well, he still has a girlfriend, anyway. So it's a lose-lose situation regardless of his actual orientation.

    I wish I could just flip a switch and stop feeling what I do. Has anyone else ever suffered through endless cycles of straight crushes? I just don't know what to do anymore. :icon_sad:
     
  2. caramba2654

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    I just hope I'm not in the start on a cycle like this. I mean, I have a crush on my best friend. But because I value friendship more than love, I decided to end my crush on him. But the only way for me to do that is by not talking to him until someone that can help me forget my crush on him appears. So that's pretty heartbreaking for me. :/ But I can handle it, mostly because if I ever get around on my crush on him we can go back to talking again. :grin:
     
  3. BudderMC

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    I know you know you're not alone, but just to emphasize that fact, statistically speaking 18-19 in every 20 guys you see will be straight. I know it sucks even moreso when you thought this guy was gay and isn't, but it's not unheard of.

    You'll find someone who can reciprocate your feelings eventually, don't worry. (*hug*)
     
  4. jvn95

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    :/

    I get the feel.

    I have had 3 hard crushes, (2 of which I was in denial about)

    And all straight, pretty sure at least, there was no gay vibe about them, that's what I liked I guess.

    Grr...
     
  5. Amicus

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    I'm sorry that you've been going through this cycle; sometimes it really is painful being reminded that we are a sexual minority.

    You're not crazy: just infatuated. Have you heard of the term limerence? It's used to denote these kinds of obsessive crushes where you're constantly hunting for and analyzing any possible sign that the object of your infatuation reciprocates your feelings. It tends to make you interpret everything as evidence that your crush likes you back.

    I haven't been quite through the cycle that you have, but the very first time I experienced a romantic attraction to another male, it hit hard. I made every excuse to hang out with him. I thought about him day and night. If I saw he was on Facebook, I would literally sit and stare at his icon until he logged off. There would be nights where I would randomly burst into tears because of the strength of my feelings. And like you, I was so positive that he was gay or at least not straight. To this day I have good evidence to believe this is true...but he's been dating the same girl for 5 years. And he not only seems to genuinely like this girl, but to be crazy about her the same way I was about him.

    So what can you do? It's ok to be hurt by this. You've done a great job at realizing the truth of the matter: even if he is gay and interested in you, he might as well not be if he's not telling you about either. The annoying part about this is that getting over it will be partially a function of time, plain and simple. This will be all the more difficult because you see him daily. Whenever you start to overanalyze things, gently say to yourself, "Brain, you are high on wishful thinking." Go out of your way to supply interpretations of the evidence that are more plausible and which do not point to him being secretly in love with you.

    It also might help to challenge your brain's idealized vision of him. Once time had softened my feelings, they started to recede more quickly when I became more attuned to what was not attractive to me about him, things which I had ignored in the height of limerence (for example: he's kind of rude, which I had written off as an adorable sense of humor when I was obsessed with him). When you start to obsess about how much you like him, remind yourself that he's a normal human being like everyone else: he farts, burps, poops, clips his nails, scratches his balls, and maybe even picks his nose. Go out of your way to emphasize what you don't like about him and why you're better off not dating him. This is not so that you get in the habit of criticizing the other person: rather, you want to re-train your brain to see the full and realistic picture of who your crush is as opposed to the OMGFEELINGS version.

    Hang in there friend (*hug*)
     
  6. Skeksis

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    Well it is possible that your crush could be gay. You never know. Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's straight. Are you two friends outside of work? Do you hang out? Are you even friends AT work? The answers to these questions will help determine his sexuality further. If he's just some guy you know from work and you have a crush on him he could just be straight. But if you guys hang out and flirt with one another and there's complicated, sexual tension well then obviously he's not straight. He's at least bisexual or curious.