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I feel so stupid and used

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jared, Nov 13, 2012.

  1. Jared

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    I was half-tempted to put this under anonymous since I'm about to make myself sound like a pathetic loser, but whatever.

    So I went on a date with this guy last weekend and it went really well, or so I thought. I spent the night with him and we had oral in the morning. So for a while it seemed like things were going well and that we might end up having relationship. He mentioned a few times that he was glad we were dating and was really sweet.

    Then today I got a text from him saying "you know we're not really dating, right? I'm still looking around, and I'm not even sure I want a relationship" I was kinda like WTF since he asked me out, but if he wasn't sure what he wanted I was cool with it.

    But then tonight at the LGBT group meeting, he barely acknowledged me and wouldn't hardly talk to me. By the time I left I felt stupid for thinking there was something were there was probably nothing and for thinking that I might actually have a shot at somebody caring about me. It would have been better if he hadn't been such a dick tonight, I probably wouldn't feel like he used me for sex.

    I feel so pathetic for letting it bug me that things with him probably won't work out, but it does and I feel like he led me on and then dropped me like a rock. Now my shitty self esteem has come back to rear it's ugly head, so it hasn't been the best day. I guess my first clue that he saw me more as a one night stand was that I spent way more time getting him off, than he did getting me off. God, I'm such a fucking idiot.
     
  2. Doku

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    A word of advice is to hold off on any sexual activity until after a while of dating. Though with just that I can not guarantee if they are just going through all the dating just so they can bed you later, at least you will have more of a chance. I personally would never start any sexual activity until after a few months.

    But I suppose many have different views on this. This was just a safety precaution that I came up with because I myself have such low self-esteem. It may or may not work for you.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! You are not a loser, nor are you a fucking idiot. (*hug*)

    From what you have said/described, it seems that he was really interested in having some sex or getting off, and knew what he would need to do in order to get it. Don't blame yourself for the outcome. Everyone wants to have their dating and relationship experiences and wants the feeling of being wanted and cared for.

    One thing to take away from this experience is to promise yourself to set boundaries, and follow through it. It is absolutely okay take things slow. It is okay if you don't cover all the basis on your first couple of, or few dates.

    Spend some time with your friends to get your thoughts off this guy. If you have to, take a break from going to the LGBT group. Try to do a couple of things that will help you to rebuild some of your self-esteem.
     
  4. Amicus

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    I'm sorry that things didn't work out :icon_sad: (*hug*)

    Thinking that you two were dating or would have a relationship after he asked you out and said "I'm glad we're dating" doesn't seem like a stupid conclusion to me at all.

    He should have been more upfront about his intentions. He probably barely acknowledged you at the meeting because he feels extremely awkward about what happened and, per human nature, is choosing to avoid the problem rather than deal with it directly.

    I don't think you're pathetic at all. This was your first date and sexual experience with a guy, correct? Anyone would feel upset if things didn't turn out as expected when they had really good reasons to believe they would.

    That said, it's practically impossible to take rejection like that without pain. So take a week or some other fixed period of time to feel these feelings to their fullest: be angry. Be sad. Cry. Wallow in self-pity. Whatever comes naturally. Then after that time is up, take a deep breath and try to push forward.

    Be kind to yourself. This has a lot more to do with his indecisiveness than any defect of yours. (*hug*)
     
  5. Skeksis

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    Sorry that happened to you :frowning2: I don't know why people lie in order to get laid. Why can't they just sleep with other hoes? Like was said earlier, it's best to not give up the goods early on UNLESS you're okay with it being a one time thing/are okay with things falling through. If you really like someone and want to be in a relationship with them, it's best to refrain from immediate sexual activity. It lets the other person know you're not the easy kind and it allows you to sniff out the users. My advice is to not beat yourself up, to give yourself time to heal and then get back up on the love horse. Never give up on love!
     
  6. jsmurf

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    Dont feel stupid. (*hug*) At least you arent a closeted coward like i was in college. And it's his fault for misleading you about his intentions. Dont let this hurt your chances of meeting a real boyfriend. Just remember to invest more time into the getting-to-know process.

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 08:54 PM ----------

    This is how i felt after having that kissing encounter with someone i met this summer
    .. and he never responded again despite saying other things at first. Remember? I got over that, im sure you will too. In my case it has been mostly rejection without kissing on most attempts to court someone, so i have more reason to be cynical and bitter than you. (I was rejected after every first date without getting to 1st base even, and it's made me more callous in a way ) Youre also really young.
     
    #6 jsmurf, Nov 13, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2012
  7. Andrew1403

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    Your not an idiot nor a loser either. Just take what you learned from this experience and move on with more wisdom. I dont know if i am the only one, but i think i am old fashioned and it will take a few dates and take things slow until i really know the person, and understand what i am getting into before rounding the bases. Would like to just stay at first base for a few dates lol and if thats a problem for them then they can take a hike.

    That guy also sounds like a sexual predator, going to those meetings to seek out sex from younger inexperienced guys (no offense, I dont have much experience either) in a manipulative way and then dropping you after he gets what he wants.

    Just be careful and try to process all the information before making a big move.
     
  8. Chip

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    I'm really sorry that happened to you. But you shouldn't feel remotely alone or stupid or anything else for having it happen. Unfortunately, there are a lot of really shady guys (both gay and straight) that do this sort of thing, and many of them are pretty sophisticated in their approach, so they'll put on whatever charm is required.

    If it helps any, the people that do this are ones who have a TON of shame and a tremendous amount of self-loathing (usually hidden inside a carefully crafted persona of perfection, arrogance, or something else.) It's also possible that he genuinely wanted something, but then suddenly got scared at the prospect of a relationship and so ran the other way... not because it's you, but because his shame and self-esteem issues got in the way. That's unfortunately also very common among gay men.

    Try and not let this interaction affect your belief that there can be people who will genuinely care about you. But... as I've suggested to many people in your situation, it's generally a good idea, unless you are completely comfortable with hookups, to wait a while before having sex. Anyone worth having will be willing to wait. Anyone who pushes you is not worth having... as they clearly care more about sex than about you.
     
  9. jsmurf

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    I'd go as far as to say that it's "fairly typical" of college.. It happens to a lot of straight kids in college as Chip pointed out. I've talked to a broad swath of girls who told me about guys who did this to them, and vice versa. Never got any action myself, but I'd feel as sh*tty as you in this situation. And likewise, it would pass after a few days upon realizing that you're not an outlier or an odd dock for falling aprey to this form of sexual/emotional/mental immaturity someone else is exhibiting (not you).
     
  10. aeva

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    I'm pretty much going to repeat what everybody else has already said, but they were right. You are in no way stupid or a loser. This guy lost somebody great because of his own issues, and it's simply an unfortunate occurrence that you got mixed up with a person like that. Everybody goes through stuff like this at some time or another, and as much as it sucks, it's a learning experience. Somebody who would treat you like that is NOT somebody you want a relationship with, so it's his loss.

    Somebody will come along that will realize how awesome you are, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don't waste any more of your thoughts or emotions on this guy, he obviously hasn't earned it.
     
  11. TheSeeker

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    Let me start out with something fairly immature: Well, F*CK!

    I am sorry this happened to you man, I really I am. We were all pulling for you when you first posted about having a date and I am very disappointed in this guy for using you like that. Especially since he knew that it was your first date with the same sex! Unbelievable.

    There is another scenario though, but I am just jumping to conclusions based on how my own brain works. You said this guy is in support group with you? If so, how long has he been out and how much experience dating the same sex does he have? I know that in the initial stages of coming out and when I was still in denial in my teens (you are very lucky to be out in college, I hope you know that), I cut relationships with the opposite sex short and severed many friendships without giving a reason, just out of fear. Fear of who I was, fear of people finding out, but most of all, fear that I would somehow disappoint them.

    When things got too serious, or I found myself to deeply invested, I ran. I will always regret that. Have a talk with this guy, just try and find out why he is acting the way he is. If he has any human decency at all, he will tell you.

    But if he is just a toolbag and he was using you, forget his sorry @$$ and move on. You are young and in college in California. There are MANY other fish in the sea, so start swimming!!

    Yours in Queerness,

    The Seeker
     
  12. Aniot

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    Some people can be great jerks sometimes and they can bring us down so easily. You must be strong. You can that these thing as an experience for life. It give you some perspective on what you can and should avoid.

    You're a great guy and you should not let yourself down because of somebody. I know it is very hard to do. If it don't workout is because he is not the one. You'll find somebody that deserve you and respect you. Don't be attached to somebody that play with you, that's an awful thing that you don't deserve.

    And I agree with Doku. If you want a relationship with somebody you should not have sex in the first meetings, because if the person you're dating really want you for more that sex he'll keep going with you.

    Good luck my friend =)
     
  13. Jared

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    Thanks guys (&&&) I'm feeling a lot better today, I threw myself a bit of a pity party last night and then got a good night's sleep. I know having sex with him wasn't the best at the idea, but at the time it felt right and I didn't think it would end like this since the SOB said he wanted a relationship. But I definitely learned my lesson about having sex too soon and I guess can take this a bit of life experience.

    I'm assuming he's been out for a while since he was in his high school's GSA and the one at the community college he went to before he came to UCLA, though I know he's not out to his family. He said he's had a boyfriend before.
     
    #13 Jared, Nov 14, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2012
  14. TheSeeker

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    Well, then I fold... I'll just go with him being a bastard. Just keep swimming, buddy.
     
  15. Jared

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    Well out of the blue this morning I got an email from him apologizing for being such an ass and for moving too fast. That was definitely a shock. So maybe he's not a completely terrible human being. He said he'd like to go out again and without the sex this time. I still haven't replied since I'm conflicted on what to do. Part of me wants to tell him to fuck off and the other part of me wants to give him a second chance.
     
  16. Mirko

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    Hi there! Maybe with some reflection, and hindsight he realized that he hurt you. For what it is worth, I don't think a lot of people would write an e-mail and apologize for their behaviour. The question you can ask yourself is: what is best for me? Is it worth it?

    If there is a part of you that would like to give him a second chance, think about it. Why do you want to give him a second chance?

    If you do end up giving him a second chance, make sure that you are aware of your boundaries and enforce them. :slight_smile:
     
  17. Chip

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    Here's the concern I have: Something is definitely going on with him. He may be out, but it sounds like he's deeply conflicted about being in a relationship, or allowing someone to be close to him (i'm talking emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy).

    So if you pursue things any further, you need to go into it with open eyes and expect that it's going to be a roller coaster.

    That said, two good friend of mine started their relationship both having intimacy issues over 2+ years ago. They've both worked really hard, and done a lot of shame and vulnerability work, and they are still together and their relationship is gettign stronger. So it is possible... but it requires a *lot* of work and patience, and both parties have to be equally committed to really going into their deepest shame and working on the vulnerability, for the relationship to work. If you and he are both interested in doing that (which is really good for your emotional growth in any case) then it could be worth doing. But if he's not willing to talk about his fears... then it's just going to be a roller coaster, and you're probably going to end up really unhappy.