Ok I am out to my parents as far as relatives go and a few friends who I am not very close with. My problem is my mom always tells me to respect other people's opinions even if they are very homophobic and that they are entitled to their opinion. I just don't understand this logic. She always says she accepts me and wants me to be happy but defends people who condemn me for who I am. She considers herself a conservative republican but keeps her support for candidates private. My grandparents are very homophobic my grandpa especially as much as I try to love him as he is his ways are really getting to me and he is the only grandpa I ever known. It is sad to lose respect for a relative. My mom always says he does not hate gay people he has a different opinion but i think that is bullshit. I now it is hard for someone to come down hard on their parents but it really bothers me sometimes that she does not confront him. At family reunion he wore a anti gay marriage pin and there was a gay relative coming to the reunion and he got yelled at for wearing it just to stir up trouble and was told to take it off. It gets crazier and crazier. My dad is very accepting of my sexuality and his family I am not very close with so it is not really a problem with them.
I don't want to defend anyone, but your mom (I'm assuming it's your maternal grandparents) is probably in a very difficult position herself, with a gay child and homophobic parents. Obviously you want your child to be happy,but you don't want to go against the people who raised you, either. Especially since that might have a rather negative reflection on her herself. Maybe she's in denial about her parents. Again, I don't want to defend anyone, but rather just offer an alternative point of view.
For me, personally, I try to respect other people's views, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to guide them to a little common sense (at least if I care about them). There are plenty of people I just really don't care what they think of homosexuality. In general, I try to respect people's beliefs (assuming they have reasons, no matter how crappy, for them), but as soon as they try to negatively influence my life in ways, such as actively seeking a ban on gay marriage, I'll take a stand.
Sounds like she's just choosing her battles (and not to fight that one). Think about it; if she takes position, it's a loose-loose situation for her. She probably don't want to stir trouble in the family (there's probably more to that than what you know...) and she doesn't want you to feel rejected by her (which would happen if she would support the family instead of you, can you deny it?). So she carefully places herself on neutral grounds. Saying to respect other people's point of views, no matter what they are, is a very very neutral thing. It also has a tiny bit of logic as nobody but the person themselves can know the full story behind their opinion, and when you don't know, how can you judge? I think that you wish that she'd support you more despite the family's opposite points of views (and maybe that it would help them change their minds?) and you can tell her that very gently too. It may take time and make her think about it. The way I see your situation though, they will probably not budge (and she knows it). You could take advantage of that neutrality of hers by just figuring that it's the best she can do in that situation and that she loves you. You still have love, (some) acceptance and help from them if you need it. Enjoy that because that's more than lots of people have from their families! I also suggest that you try and find recognition and full acceptance with different people. Make yourself another family if you will, made of good friends and maybe a sweetheart. If you find what you need somewhere else and become at peace with what you can't change you'll feel much, much better!
Hi Dano, I agree, with you, it is bullshit? We should never have to listen to someones opinion when it involves hate!!!!!! Your mom is wrong on this one. Your grandfather is being a bigot, clear and simple. Your mom is just trying to protect him, which moms always do, they try to protect everyone in the family. And most are pretty darn good at it. But in this case he is hurting you and your mom needs to step up to the plate and tell him to stop hating whoever it is he is choosing to hate. In this case, what you represent and what you are. He doesn't need protection. He needs to be called to the carpet! How do you think he will treat you if he were to find out? If he really likes you, maybe he will reconsider his childish behavior. I think you need to be clear with your mom that you don't plan on staying in the closet to him for your whole life. Because you need to be yourself. If your mom won't confront him then it's going to be up to you. It's hard to loose respect for someone that has been in your life for so long, but he is obviously hurting you so something has to be done. I truly hope your relationship with him survives, and gets better. I'm really glad you dad is being supportive....that's worth a million. Good luck and let us know how it's going.
Thanks. I am currently have no close friends in my small city at all and no gay men around me but I am trying to make the best of it. The reason that i posted this is i tried to love my grandpa regardless of his far right views but I just don't feel like i can respect him anymore. He does not know where to draw the line on anything. I understand where my mom is probably coming on she is not trying to stop me from coming out which is good but I don't think I am gonna come to my grandparents in the first place. It is not worth it.
It seem so common for people as they get older to get grumpy and vocally opinionated. My dad has gotten this way and sometimes he just drives me crazy.
I think there's an important distinction that needs to be made between "respecting someone's opinion" and "agreeing with their opinion". At least, the way I interpret it, is that to fundamentally declare someone's opinion wrong just because it's different from yours is unfair. Now, most people (here at least) would agree that homophobia is stupid, but to say it's wrong because we disagree isn't fair. Though of course, hate of any kind isn't tolerable. But then here is where I agree with PurpleCrab; it sounds like your mom is just taking the most neutral stance possible in order to not have to take sides in this situation. Just be careful to not confuse her neutrality with being against you, because it doesn't sound like she means it like that.
