Hello everyone! I really hope that I am posting this in the proper forum space. Anyway, down to business. I've always questioned my sexuality for just about as long as I can remember, I just never knew what direction I was leaning in, or directions I suppose. I have always suspected that maybe I am a bit gay, but I just don't know for certain. Unfortunately I am the kind of person who rejects anything that doesn't support a binary conclusion (Yes/no, on/off, black/white situations), however, I am working on this . I have been through quite a few forum posts, here and elsewhere, and I decided that instead of trying to match my situation with someone else' I would just post my own. My whole story is very long with many details and such, but I will try to compress it to what I think is most relevant. For a long time I have always felt like I could see myself being attracted to and possibly dating guys or girls. I tended to forget this though, and focus on the straight aspect. About two years ago I was in a fairly serious relationship with a girl. It got to the point where we tried to have sex, but I just couldn't bring myself to "get big." We both knew we wanted to do it (so I thought I did), but I felt like I couldn't bring myself to do the deed. I'm not sure if it was a moral thing, or perhaps I felt like it was a commitment type of thing that I wasn't ready to affirm. By the by, it would have been the first time for both of us, and it was also our first relationships. I can see myself with a guy, having sex with a guy, but I also can see myself having sex with a girl, possibly not as strongly with the girl, though. I feel like I want to say that maybe I'm gay, but goddamn societal BS tends to suppress that sometimes (a downright shame, if you ask me). I tend to get giddy around certain guys and girls, but more around guys usually. I feel like maybe that's because I am more comfortable with guys simply because I feel as though we can relate. Another important point may be that about a year ago my best friend (straight), with whom I hung out at least once every 48 hours (Lol), starting hanging out with another kid. I felt like I was being replaced, and had a real problem with them hanging out together, but not inviting me. Jealousy, basically. I feel like I do have feelings for him, though. Maybe not huge, but perhaps something. As I am typing this I feel as though I am starting to realize more and more that perhaps I am gay. If I were to cuddle up with a guy that I know and like, such as some of my equally crazy (but straight) friends I would be perfectly fine with it, and actually enjoy it, probably more-so than with a girl. Now my final words here: I am a VERY suggestible kind of person, so maybe it is possible that I am convincing myself that I am gay. AGH I just don't know. A man's body or a woman's body doesn't usually turn me on. The thought of sex with either tends to flicker between being (for lack of a better word, and at the risk of it sounding ridiculously childish) gross or, well, sexy . I feel like perhaps I am indeed gay, possibly even bi, but I honestly don't know what to think. I feel like I could live my life more happily with the right guy than the right girl, and sometimes it happens to be the other way around. I feel as though it's practically situational. Sorry for the intense fragmentation. My thoughts; I type them as they come. Thanks in advance! Korgsman
Ok, sounds like people here will suggest you to let go of labels and just be you Though, I know that's not what you want to read. What you wish for are tips to help you figure this out right? Well from your explanation it sounds very well like you're bisexual (I'd say, 80% chances?). I don't think you're completely gay because you can very well consider having a relationship and sex with a woman. People who are 6 on Kinsey scale won't consider such things, ever. Same for straight; since you can have a gay crush (sort of) and that you could consider gay sex just proves my point. But obviously you're not sure! Not being able to perform the first time is completely normal; you were probably stressed by some issues, like your morals, the need to perform, and the fear to be gay maybe. I'm not sure what stressed you but I don't think you were completely relaxed and at ease, yet. You know there's nothing wrong with being bisexual; forget all the prejudices you've heard of, they are not true. As a matter of fact if you happened to be bisexual you'd have more opportunities, and if you experience both sides, a richer sex life too. So the question is, do you absolutely have to put a name on your sexual orientation yet? Because I think you should at least wait to have a solid crush on somebody, or to consider being in a relationship with somebody. I'm suggesting that so that if say, a boy is interested in you and you've been telling around that you're straight, he will probably step back from you thinking you inaccessible. Or that if you say that you're bi and then start a relationship with a girl, then figure out that you're gay.... that would be devastating for the girl. There is much less harm in just saying that you don't know, yet. And time will tell... I'm certain that if you continue to question and wonder about it, before you're 30 you'll have it figured it all out
Okay. This I can do. I just have one question. How am I supposed to "explore"? I've seen that expression several times now, and I'm not sure what it means. Does it mean go out with people? If so, wouldn't it be hard to do that without stating orientation? Also, would it be a good idea to visit the LGBT center on my campus? And what does OES stand for?
Yes, visit the LGBT center on campus. I am coming out now (at 25) and wish like hell I had resources like that. I think I can understand where you are coming from here. I was a very binary person for much of my adult/adolescent life. Much of this came from my religion, but some came from my personality. I liked guys and girls and this quite simply did not compute in my head. I told myself I must being lying about one or the other but couldn't decide which one was real. So... it screwed with my head for way longer than I should have. Then I started reading articles about male bisexuality and things started clicking into place. I agree with PurpleCrab, I think you are very likely Bi. One reason you may not have gotten hard with a girl is just anxiety. I had so much anxiety that I would ultimately disappoint any girl I was with that I fled whenever things got serious. So, let go of the binary view, because human sexuality refuses to be pigeonholed. You're not a Kinsey 1 or a Kinsey 6 so just let it go and do some exploring. If you want to come out, come out as Bi... You can always adjust this if you decide you are entirely gay later. But I really do think you are Bi... So... GO FORTH! Live, laugh, and love at you leisure. We only have one life to live and so little time to live it! Peace! -The Seeker
