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You have given me warnings, I went against them.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by new18, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. new18

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    I feel so ashamed writing this thread, but I went against the warnings that where given to me previously and something happened. Something you have all predicted.

    Remember how I told you have met this man over the internet? I was and still am 17 (Going to be 18 in 1 week) and he is 39.

    The man that I was planning to meet for my first time because I was a virgin, I was scared meeting him because of the emotional consequences.
    When I told him "NO" he already said it was too late. He had already ordered the tickets. (Northwest U.S)

    I told him if I was to see him, he would have to develop a friendship with me. Well. I had sex with a man 23 years older then me. Unprotected because he forced me to. Friday and Saturday.
    He took me out to dinner, we had an intelligent controversial conversation about political beliefs, philosophy, psychology, Karl Marx. And Saturday we where "intimate" again. After we where done, he threw everything in my bag.

    He drove me to the parking lot where I left my car, I hugged him gave him a kiss. And went away.


    Aftermath: As soon as I got into my car and saw his car speeding of in the night, I started crying with hysteria. Sunday I spent all of the day crying, (My parents want me to go the hospital but I refuse) He lives in Washington I am in AZ. I feel so sick, he lives so far away. He is so intelligent, but I feel like a wreck. I have no one to talk to.

    I have oxycodone, and sometimes I just want to overdose on it. A nice, painless death that feels good. (But I would never do that) I feel so horrible I am crying writing this.

    I do not regret that his happened to me, my emotions hurts so much. Yesterday and just a few minutes I cut myself with a razor blade. So far I have nine cuts on my left arm.

    I cannot fucking take it. I just want to die, he lives so far away from me. I want to be with him, but it is not possible.

    HOW CAN I TELL ANYONE what happened? How can I tell my friend or my parents that I had sex with a guy 22 years older then me for my first time.
    I cannot deal with this. I believe this was my decision and I have now to deal with it.

    This is not his fault mostly, it is mine. The emotional pain is overwhelming. I just want to kill myself. (But I would not, all though the feeling is there)


    Psychiatrists are too expensive to go to. I cannot afford them. So I am on my own. I just need to walk away.

    I DO NOT REGRET THIS, I GOT WHAT I DESERVED.
     
    #1 new18, Feb 11, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2008
  2. mcrteenagers

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    Hey, let's talk this through.

    You have MSN?
     
  3. mcrteenagers

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    I'll be here to talk: [EMAIL REMOVED - USE PM]

    Besides the fact of how old he was, we can all easily fall for anyone. I'm not going to go into what concerned me about the situation - because everything is said and done.

    I realize it can be a difficult situation with parents/friends etc. Consider speaking with your school counselor about this, call Kids Help Phone - you need to talk to someone. Everyone here is here for you too. We (and I personally) don't want you to be physically hurt over this. We all get emotionally hurt, and have to try and make best and move through this.

    Here for you anytime,
    Mike
     
  4. Andrew1403

    Andrew1403 Guest

    awe man...that makes me sad hearing that ...but keep your headup...heres some more free advise....you should try to stay closer in age with ur partner when you are not too experienced or a virgin to haveing sex with another man...advise is free, its good to listen too...when i came out to my dad who is hetero...he gave me some good advice not to go running out to a gay bar and having my psychy ran over/trampled on by another man because people are easily influenced when inexperienced..and to not let someone tell you what to do or walk all over you cause you are inexperienced...because it will leave you feeling devestated and ugly afterwards..and you will not forgive yourself ...and so on...as far as the sex...dont let anyone FORCE you to have sex ...you should always use a condom..you dont know where that guys been , he has
    20+ years of sexual experiance and intercourse than you an could have stds or hiv from the process...plz get your blood checked that is important!

    dont feel ashamed that this happened...but i dont think you should feel like you miss him...you shouldnt be in love from this guy..hes 22+ years older than you....he ran over you and trampeled your psychy thats why you feel devestated and hate yourself and feel like you miss him...and are emotionally attached ..he got what he wanted (sex) and left ...save your sex for someone near the same age as you and someone youv known for along time like 2months or more and is special to your heart... and then have sex...and your sex will mean somthing and your psychological emotions wont feel like you were used and trampeled on....basically you wont feel like damaged goods...im not trying to sound like a jerk...you can recover from this..just take some time to take the world in and relax and rejouvenate your mind...dont abuse perscription drugs or alcohol during this time either..you can make it through this...you have many more years to come filled with many good experiances waiting for you...

    sry if my post sounded like i was lectureing you ...cause i wasent trying too...i was just tryin to give you some sound advise for the future...keep your headup man...youll get over this...we are all here for your support!(&&&)
     
  5. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    First: (*hug*)

    We're not anyone to judge you. We're not anyone to tell you that you did something wrong. We are here to support you.
    What you did, well, you can't change it, but dont feel bad about it. Learn from it. Grow. You will get over this and this will make you more mature. You're just a teenager still. You have plenty of life to live and this things are the ones that help you grow.

    Don't get mad with yourself! Getting mad will ony make things worse. Even thouhg it is something you regret doing, don't be disappointed or too harsh with yourself. You are the most beautiful human bieng, and your differences and mistakes are the ones that makes you unique, and priceless!

    We're here for you. Talk. Vent. Learn. Move on.
    (*hug*)
    :slight_smile:



    PS: I should follow my own advice :bang:
     
  6. Alex89

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    I won't judge you at all, however I'd definitely suggest easing up on the cutting. Remember, cutting and self-harm don't help in any way, and can lead to loss of control of your hand if you hit a nerve. Cutting won't change your situation, so there's no reason to do it. =)

    I'd suggest finding someone close to you you can talk to about it. Keeping it all inside only leads to the situation spiraling out of control as your mind blows it all out of proportion.

    Remember, being rational is extremely important - think things through logically and try to prevent emotion controlling your decisions to much, and think to yourself - is what I'm doing helping in any way? Is the situation really as bad as I thought, or have I made it bigger in my mind than it is?

    Good luck, and we're always here to help. =)
     
  7. LorenzG1950

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    Hey new 18, you've made some mistakes as you well know. But the fact is that you ran into a criminal, a rapist, and the law is on your side in most states.

    You have lots of folks here that will bend over backwards to help you. This is not the time to become suicidal. It's the time to think rationally about what happened and what your next course of action is.

    This guy needs to be in jail. That's a fact. But the first priority is YOU. Find a friend or relative that you can confide in. That will help the most. That includes the folks right here. Please have the patience to stay at EC and let us help get you through the time ahead.

    I'd like to kick this guy's brains in :tantrum: :tantrum: :tantrum: and I'm not the violent type.

    We're pulling for you (*hug*) .
     
  8. Bader

    Bader Guest

    WTF ! That jerk ,you should totally report his ass ,its HIS fault and not yours okay ! he abused you ! he wanted sex and used you to get it omg!


    iam really sorry that this happend , and dont beat yourself up about it okay ? you'll get thro this!
    *HUGS A MILLION*
     
  9. Lane

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    Dennis.

    What you are going through none should ever have to deal with. You are still a young man and what you have already endured should be more than enough. But now you have another burden to bare. If there is anything I can do to help you please, please let me know. My MSN: [REMOVED - USE PM] You may also PM me if you wish, my door is always open to you.

    This man did something to you that will take time to heal, but you can heal. He used you for what he wanted and then left you to sort out everything on your own. There is no love in that, no friendship in that. He is a confidence man, and such types are able to talk themselves into attaining anything. They are professionals at what they do. You were made to think he would be your friend, you were tricked into thinking he cared and loved you.

    I am not here to judge you in any way. You made a decision to meet him yes, but we have all made bad decisions. I for one have made my fair share, I have had to live with them. Some were far harder to deal with than others, but in the end I pulled through. I went through some very dark times in my life, times I was not sure if I would walk away from. But in the end I did, because I accepted my choices and moved on and found new reasons to be live and be happy with who I am today.

    My understanding of you and your history compells me to reach out to you. If you need someone to talk to talk to me, talk to anyone here. EC is all about support, and we will help you as much as we can. Please allow us to help you, please allow yourself to be helped.
     
  10. Simon69

    Simon69 Guest

    If there are any free and anonymous sexual health clinics in your area, contact them straight away and ask about Post Exposure Prophylaxis. This is a course of medication that can stop you becoming HIV positive after you've been exposed to the virus. See:

    http://www.tht.org.uk/informationresources/hivandaids/postexposureprophylaxis/

    We do not know this guy's HIV status but with his history it's better safe than sorry, if this option is available to you. I found these lists of clinics:

    http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/support/std_clinic_us_arizona.htm
    http://www.scumdoctor.com/medical-clinic/Arizona/
     
  11. Louise

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    Ok, so what is done is done. As everyone here says, we are not here to judge you, we are here to support you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Everyone has made bad calls in thier lives that is how we grow and learn.

    Having said that I won't judge you I will however say something very judgemental; This is NOT your fault and you are NOT getting what you deserve!

    You are 17 for crying out loud with the life experience of a 17 year old. Your capacity for making the right decision is well below that of a man more than twice your age. If this man had truely cared for you he would have protected you, you know that.

    This is a very hard lesson that you are having to learn but I hope you will learn by it. There are two things you HAVE to do now; first you have to stop beating yourself up about this guy and stop cutting yourself and secondly you have to wait paitiently for the next 6 months then get yourself tested for aids. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. That is not a request, it is an order. Who am I to order you about. I am a person who cares about you, who sees your pain and inner turmoil.

    You must not in any circumstances have an unprotected sexual experience with ANYONE until you are sure 100% to be free of aids and even then it is NEVER wise to have unprotected sex.

    Get some control back in your life, decide what you are going to do and then do it. This is your life, don't let negative emotions drag you down too far. Cutting yourself seems in this case to be you punishing yourself. Why would you want to punish yourself? You have done nothing wrong, you let yourself be led astray, you made a bad call but don't make it even worse than it already is by cutting yourself.

    You say the emotions hurt so much; which emotions? guilt? rejection? unrequited love? What exactly are you putting yourself through. I get the feeling that you have fallen in love with this intelligent, witty man who took your virginity. Again, we don't chose who we fall in love with. That this man is suitable for you or not is another issue and it is not for me to say but unrequited love or impossible love (due to distance) is like having your heart ripped out and walking around with an open wound in your chest.

    The only thing I can suggest is to focus on yourself, think about what you need to do to heal, do some things for yourself, things that you like doing, things that normally make you happy, things that bring you pleasure. It is only by turning to the positive things in your life that you can hope to overcome this. If you stay in your self flagilation state of "I'm getting what I deserve" you will only perpetuate your pain.

    One last thing. Thank you and well done for coming here after having asked for advice and not taken it, to admit what you had done. That took a lot of courage and left you open to all sorts of criticism... except that we are not here for that, we are here to support. (*hug*)
     
  12. beckyg

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    Everybody has already said really great things. Take their advice! I just want to add that if this guy has done this to you, he's doing it to others too. He needs to be reported and sent to jail. He is a user and an abuser. Don't let him do to others what he did to you. Contact the police!
     
  13. Hydrogen

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    what others have said is great, but I would add:

    As far as this guy, if you feel in any way that he took advantage of you, then you need to contact the authorities. If you need advice about this, let me know. You don't need to be ashamed or afraid to report something like this.
     
  14. Paul_UK

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    Despite what those above have said, I can understand if you don't want to report him. If there is a way of doing so anonymously then do it, but if you have to identify yourself and give evidence etc then that is probably more than you can face. I know that means he has got away with it, and that is what he is relying on to get away with this sort of abuse, but you have to think of what's in your best interests. YOU are the most important person in this situation, not him and not anyone else he may make contact with.

    I don't know if it is any comfort but you are not the first person this sort of thing has happened to and you won't be the last. When I first came out (at age 26) I made friends with a 16 year old named Nick who came out at the same time. He met up with a guy in his late 20s who promised him the world and pledged his undying love etc. I could see where this was going but Nick couldn't. I advised him to avoid this guy (just like we advised you here) but he didn't. As expected, once this guy got his way with Nick and took his virginity, Nick never saw or heard from him again. Fortunately this guy played safe.

    Like you, Nick was devastated and heartbroken. He really believed what this guy was saying. Like you he let his heart rule his head. However he realised that there was nothing he could do to change the past. He started looking forward with a determination to avoid :***: like that and to find someone who really cares for him. He developed a more wary and suspicious outlook on guys who approached him in clubs etc, and went into other relationships and one-night-stands with his eyes open and his brain in charge.

    You need to take the same approach. This guy is not worth any more of your time and thought. You can't change what happened. He is a parasite who prays on inexperienced young guys. You know that now. You need to put him behind you, and move forward.

    Please, please try to do that. I know it's not easy, but it's the only sensible approach.

    Next time someone makes contact you will be more wary of their intentions. Which is good. Don't take the approach that all men are parasites, but don't assume all are true to their word either.

    Regarding the unsafe sex, see Simon's post above. Contact a local sexual health clinic, tell them what happened (just that an older guy of unknown HIV status has unsafe anal sex with you twice and when it happened) and see whether that treatment is available to you. Also find out how long you need to wait before having an HIV test (I think it is either 3 or 6 months after the unsafe sex). If most of his sexual contacts are young virgins like you, then there is a fairly good chance that he is HIV-. However we don't know that, and you can't trust what he says, so you need to get tested. Hopefully you can get that done for free and anonymously at a local sexual health clinic or through one of the HIV/AIDS charities.

    (*hug*)
     
  15. Dave

    Dave Guest

    Ive just read your other post (before you met him and what he wanted from you) I hope that you get yourself checked out by a doctor in the near future. Also, I think you need to talk to someone about what happened, your blaming yourself a lot, when he was there to take part, he needs to hold the responsibility as well. Also, did you let him film this? I would sure hope you didnt, and I agree with Becky, after you talk to someone, call the police. He deserves to rot in jail. Take care of yourself (&&&)
     
  16. Temujin

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    I'm sorry about what happened, but you need to report this guy. Several things stood out to me while reading your post:

    1. The fact that this guy could not wait until you are 18 says a lot about his intentions. He is a predator plain and simple and should be punished for his actions. My guess is you will never hear from him again.
    2. He forced you to have unprotected sex? Again, he needs to be reported and punished. Like others have said, you need to go to a clinic anonymously to get informed options.
    3. You say you have no regrets, but your self destructive behavior and my instincts say you do. Look, this is not your fault. You cannot let this consume you like it is now because those feelings will turn into hate and anger as time goes on. Those are not good things to carry around. By reporting the guy and working with authorities those feelings can drive more productive and honorable actions.

    Please, take up Hydrogen's offer on how to go about reporting him.

    (*hug*)
     
  17. Paul_UK

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    Although something needs to be done about this guy, new18 needs to consider how reporting this will affect HIM. If he will have to give evidence and go to court etc that will be worse than the incident itself. Also he may end out outing himself as it would probably involve his parents (as he is under 18) which could also be a problem.

    He needs to balance what's best for him against getting something done about that guy.

    No, I am not defending the abuser. I would be first in the queue to kick this scum's brains in.

    My position is from being a good friend of someone who was similarly abused and seeing what he was going through. Reporting it and having to go through all this would entail was not an option. Putting it behind him and moving forward with his life was the right option.

    Yes, it means that the abuser is still out there. People like this assume their victims will not report them for exactly these reasons, which is how they manage to get away with it. But you have to put yourself first and do what is best for YOU.

    If there is a way of reporting this guy anonymously then do so. Investigations could still reveal you as one of his victims though (email and mobile phone logs etc). Hydrogen can advise on the various aspects of that. You may also be able to get advise on that from rape crisis or gay support charities who will know the options for reporting and what you can expect to happen if you do so.
     
  18. new18

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    All I want are these feelings to fucking go away. I woke this morning with a smile on my face.

    I texted him saying something friendly and he said he would "call at the end of the month"

    This is not a big deal but he did delete me from his "myspace" friends.. which is not nice I guess. All though that is not such a big deal to me.

    Oh my god, I cannot go to court I just can't. I am the one who acted like a loose piece of ass. I am the one who agreed meeting him. I could have made him wore a condom. I was capable of making those decisions I am party responsible too. This is not rape, because I agreed to it. All I want is this to go away. I have to know go STD Clinics knowing I may be infected. If it is something like gonorrhea or clamidia I can deal with that.

    I truly doubt he would purposely give me HIV he said he was tested, and I saved all my text messages, emails (Not phone call conversations) So I have some sort of evidence. If something did happen.


    ARE STD CLINICS expensive? I refuse getting my parents into this.

    I am a headstrong individual, but I fell into something that is extremely common.
     
  19. Paul_UK

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    In the UK STD clinics are FREE and anonymous (you can give any name and don't need ID). I don't know what the situation is there. There are some links in one of the posts above. Give the local ones a call and ask.

    If you do have to pay and can't, call a local or national HIV/AIDS support charity and see if they can help.

    As for that guy, don't contact him again. Forget about him. Look forward, not back.
     
  20. beckyg

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    You can go to your local health department and be tested for free.