confused, depressed, and obsessed

I'm not really sure how to begin. I'm just going through a really hard time and I've read a few threads on here and there seem to be some very smart and understanding people who post on this forum, so I thought I would give it a shot. I think I need to lay a bit of background info down before I get to the part about questioning my orientation. I'm sorry if I give way too much info and if it is too long.

I guess, first off, I'm an extremely sensitive guy who has struggled with mental illness for most of his life and especially in adolescence. I'm 23 now. I've had a pretty rough last few years involving a panic disorder, depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking. I don't think properly about a lot of things, I've come to realize, and it leaves me feeling scattered and uncertain about most everything in my life. I'm also an addict, I'm addicted to porn, masturbating, gambling, and I used to be very psychologically addicted to marijuana (i smoked it every few hours for about 3 years, I was just baked constantly). I haven't smoked it at all for 4 months now and for some reason have no desire to. It seems I can moderate nothing, its always all or nothing for me.

I always had low mood and terrible self-confidence in highschool. I was a late bloomer and didn't grow until grade 12 and I have a young appearance. I had a hard time getting girls in high school because of this. I had a few girlfriends in grade 12 and we had oral sex and whatnot but didn't have intercourse until university. I had a very good friend who was a girl that I had one of my first sexual experiences with and I thought I was in love with her for about 2 or 3 years, its hard to say now if it was love because I was young. She died suddenly in 2008 and I grieved her death pretty intensively for way too long. I met another girl in university and we dated for about 3 1/2 years. She just recently dumped me about 4 1/2 months ago, which has flipped my life upside down and has forced me to face my problems head on instead of covering them up. To say that our relationship was intense is an understatement. She has anxiety problems too, and we depended on each other for everything. Since we starting dating it was extremely rare if we were apart for even one night. I spent each spare moment with her and we did everything together. I lost all my close relationships with friends because of it, although most of my friends are now either alcoholics or potheads.

I'm not sure if I'm giving information that is relevant or not, but I want to lay it all on the table. I was circumcised when I was 5 years old and I'm pretty sure it traumatized me. I don't think my parents did a good job explaining it to me or whatever and I thought I was different than everyone else for a very long time. It left scarring which I OBSESSED over in highschool. I thought that I looked disgusting and that no girl would ever want to have sex with me because of it. Because of this I really haven't ever felt confident sexually. I've since learned that women don't really care at all about the look of it and they have never noticed or said anything ever, but it has still very substantially effected my confidence.

Hmm, where to go from here. I didn't even masturbate for the first time until I was damn near 16 years old, which I find quite odd... and I haven't really been able to go a day without doing it since then. I started looking at internet porn shortly after that and haven't been able to go a day without that either. So I do waaaay to much of this and I think it has really effected my sex drive, and the way I view and think about sex. I had intercourse for the first time in university and needless to say it was a very disappointing experience for me. I started dating the girl and for the first few times I couldn't ever climax... I hated condoms and since being with other women I realize she was pretty wide-set. To make things worse for myself, I got an STD from her. I thought it was permanent, and I felt so disgusting and terrible and it made my already low self-confidence even worse. Through all of this I was going through depression and anxiety and panic attacks and the like. I was addicted to porn by then, as stated previously, and I think its messed up the way I think about sex. Also, as I watched porn for a couple years I started watching gay porn every now and it also really arouses me. This has made me pretty damn confused. I don't think about men sexually in real life, I can honestly say I've never been attracted to another man, except I think I might've been a little bit to one of my friends in high school. I have been attracted to dozens and dozens of women in real life. When in university there were so many attractive girls in my classes and I was so caught up in being stoned and thinking about sex all the time and I would literally have to leave class sometimes to go and masturbate in the bathroom. I fantasize about girls and it arouses me, sometimes I see a woman on the street or wherever and then can't help but fantasize about it later. I realize I have an impulse control problem. But I also fantasize about men sometimes too, and lately it has been more often than not because I'm obsessing about it. Since my girlfriend dumped me I've been trying to face all of my problems, and I know that watching gay porn and fantasizing about men is something that really really bothers me. I started to wonder if I've been in denial my whole adult life and that brings on a whole swing of bad emotions for me I can't even deal with it. I dated my girlfriend for over three years, and when we started dating, I quickly told her about the STD I had. She was so accepting and loving about it I couldn't believe it... but we didn't have sex for about 6 months while I was treated for it. I had extreme fear of infecting her and passing it on and I felt disgusting and I was so depressed and desensitized from all the porn at the time that I could hardly drag my ass out of bed most days let alone have meaningful sex with her. I was also taking SSRIs at the time which are said to effect the libido in alot of the people who take them. I just didn't have a whole lot of interest in real sex for a while, and I blamed it on these issues. Which seems reasonable, right? Once my STD was treated we started having sex but I would often have a hard time climaxing and sometimes staying erect. It would often take a great effort for me, and during a lot the sex I had with her over 3 years I would be thinking about the women in the porn I was watching. As I became more sexually comfortable with her there were times when I enjoyed it alot and was completely in the moment and it was great. In the last two years or so I never had a problem with becoming or staying erect. I still thought about porn a lot of the time while doing it. Sometimes I wouldn't climax, but I was also masturbating all the time. Other times I was SO turned on by her that I would start to after like a minute and I'd have to slow down or stop myself from because noone wants to stop after one minute. (haha) It makes me feel good to write about the times I really enjoyed the sex with her...

Like I stated I've been very depressed and had pretty serious anxiety for years. I have gone through periods of suicidal ideation and different things. Its been quite a journey. Since my girlfriend left me and I lost her support I have been trying to cope with things the right away. I had gone to 3 or 4 counselors over the years but it has never helped me much, and I've seen a few psychiatrists and been on and off of 4 different medications... but I've always still never got to the root of my problems, I just smoked weed or gambled or watched porn to not think about any of it. As I'm trying to deal with it all head on now I am seriously questioning if I am gay. I'm starting to fantasize a lot about men recently since I've started obsessing about it. It brings on pretty terrible anxiety for me to think that I might've just been in denial all along... but I absolutely cannot deny that I am turned on by women. But the fantasies about men are pretty intense.

While dating my girlfriend, we usually had sex a couple times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I know she wanted to have sex more often than I did. Sometimes I really couldn't be bothered... but I've always attributed this to:
my low self-confidence
my depression and anxiety
my desensitization
my lethargy and laziness (alot from the marijuana)
my distorted thinking about sex

Now I'm having really bad anxiety though because I am wondering if I'm really just gay. Did I just force myself to have sex with her all along while thinking about porn so often because I'm in denial? What about the times I've watched gay porn and fantasized about men, which seem to be more often now? But then why do I get horny whenever I see an attractive women, literally ever?

I've tried accepting that I'm just gay, but I really don't know, and its extremely hard for me to accept. I already self-loathe, and I don't know if I could deal with being gay. I have been thinking lately I should just try and do it with a guy. I'm pretty sure I'd like it and that scares the hell out of me. I don't really know, though? Is it just a fantasy?

On a side note I've recently started new medications and am seeing a counselor who specializes on process-addictions (gambling, sex, etc.) Sorry it was long and sorry if I gave way too much info.

 

wow, that was an essay. its long and scattered. i think i'm too self-absorbed

 

Hey and thanks for the replies.. I really appreciate it alot seeming as I can't talk about this with anyone except my therapist.

Revi, I think you may have misinterpreted my post a little, but that's ok. I'm not really especially worried about staying hard or climaxing with a girl now as I explained it hasn't really been a problem for a few years. The issue is what is going on in my head while having sex. I know that masturbation isn't bad in itself, and yes I need to cut back, but every time I try to I fail.I also understand that everyone gets scarring from circumcision, and I realize that its pretty ridiculous that I used to think that noone would want to have sex with me because of it. I used to seriously obsess about it but I've been with several women and none have ever noticed any scars. Thanks for the encouraging words though.

Thanks for the kind words alwayshope11. I too have experienced psychosomatic symptoms, especially when I was having panic attacks. I used to get really bad headaches from the anxiety it felt like there was a tight rubberband wrapped around my head I have never felt anything like that before. I also used to get really bad chest pain and heart palpitations. Its amazing to think that your brain can produce such real physical symptoms.

And The Escapist, thank-you as well. I was raised a Catholic and although my parents weren't extreme about it I was pretty much taught that everything is a sin. I have since renounced my Catholicism, and I am not sure if I believe in God, I'm kind of an agnostic. My extended family includes a lot of close-minded conservative types on the one side, and on the other side everybody has mental health issues and everything is swept under the rug. I'm pretty sure my one uncle on this side is gay and my auntie is a lesbian and nobody says ANYTHING about it. I think my uncle tried to tell me about it last Christmas but he was very awkward and weird about it.. I have absolutely no problem with homosexuals.. I'm really quite liberal and open-minded. I do not think it is wrong and I believe that noone should have to struggle needlessly about something that is a very real part of themselves. Do I think its natural? I suppose that's the word for it. I think some people are born with a predisposition or potential to have sexual feelings for the same-sex, and combined with psychological and environmental factors throughout life they eventually identify as gay, straight, bi or whatever. I believe and learnt in uni that most psychological phenomena occurs in this fashion- born with a predisposition, and then it is either activated or not so much due to a combination of factors. This implies that some people will be born on opposite ends of the spectrum, so I also believe that some are pretty much born completely gay or straight regardless of life experience. This is just the opinion that I agree with at this point.

I agree with you escapist, the real problem isn't so much what my orientation is, but it is the way I feel and obsess about it. I do wish I was just completely straight and that having sex with women was my key to happiness. Life is not so simple, I've learned. I guess it is stupid of me to think I am completely gay, that just doesn't make sense. There is probably a good chance I am bisexual, I just don't know how to deal with it and it makes me feel bad. I think about sex WAY too much.

My depression and anxiety issues have caused me to be way too introverted the past years. I actually feel selfish sometimes because I'm seeking happiness for myself and am always thinking me, me, me... I do have some big issues, but I try not to feel sorry for myself. I think about all the people who have it so much worse than I do. The crack/meth addicts, the abuse victims, people stuck in weelchairs, etc... Mental illness is no walk in the park, though. It runs in my family, I mentioned on my moms side everyone in her family is on medication for something. I have two older brothers. One had OCD so badly he used to shower like 6 times a day and he washed his hands until there was pretty much no skin left on them. My other brother was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and took a cocktail of medications for years, until he almost killed himself and checked himself into the psych ward of a hospital where he stayed for a few months.

I need to conquer my obsessions and addictions, I think this is the real issue here..