Warning ; this is going to be majorly depressing and it will potentially just repeat things i've said before. i swear, it's like i'm on an emotional roller coaster, throwing up over the side, and they still won't let me off I am confused. "Oh hey Confused, I'm -insert generic name here-" I already made the joke, so now you don't have to (y) Let me explain . . . Actually, I can't explain. I swear, somethings I think I'm bipolar. If anyone was talking to me last night, I was so excited. Like, so freaking happy. And tonight I just keep thinking, "No. No, this can't be it. This can't be me. Nope. Nuh uh. This ruins everything. Every plan that hasn't been destroyed by my lack of motivation and ambition, this smashes into smitherines. This cannot be me". And I panicked. Again. All I could think of was all the times I've been with g u y s and enjoyed it. And then that tiny g i r l in my brain whispers, "People change, Sera. Love is love, why do you need a label?" And I scream at h e r . I feel terrible for it afterwards, but I scream and tell h e r that s h e ' s wrong. I tell h e r that I want kids, I want a family, I want everything I didn't get to have growing up. I want to lay down next to my h u s b a n d and know that if anything ever happened, h e would be there for me. I want our daughter to come running in when she has a nightmare, and find comfort in her f a t h e r ' s arms. I want our son to be able to look to his d a d and say, "I want to be like h i m someday. I can't have that if I'm... this. And please, don't get me wrong. I love you guys. I love everyone here, this entire community, and everything you believe in and stand for. I still like lady-bits. But I just... can't. I can't do it. I can't sit at the table with my mother and father, and introduce them to my g i r l f r i e n d. I can't kiss h e r and say those three important words, when I know that by choosing that road, I'm giving up everything I've ever wanted. I can't. I can't. All I've ever wanted is kids. I want to love them and give them space when they need it and bake way too many batches of cookies and I want to encourage my son to mangle the boys who break his sister's heart. I want all of that, and I can't have it if I'm this. I can't. I can't. If you close your eyes, we all look the same; white or black or brown. But way back here, it's hard to tell what is up, and what is down. So I spin, spin, round, round, round. Fall to the ground. Crack open my chest, and poke around. What's that thing, barely beating, barely alive, barely breathing? Is that my heart, mangled and bruised, beating it's last pitiful tune? With a laugh I tear it out of my chest and throw it down. down down down down.And then I spin, spin round, round, round. Fall to the ground. Crack open my chest, and poke around. Nothing left, but these struggling lungs, who needs them way back here? I pull them out, though they struggle to say, hold me close, they hold me dear. But now I don't need them I'm flying so high. High above all sound. With my wings I spin, spin round, round, round. But still I fall to the ground. Crack open my head, and d i e . Would you cry if I died? Or would you laugh as I lie as cold as a morning in mid July? Don't worry, I'll try to fly in the skies, but sometimes even angels have to d i e . And in case you didn't notice, I'm far from Angelic. Falling falling falling s p l a t
Awww you can still have kids and cuddle. Thats what it took me forever to realize. And for the record if you end up with a man you dont love you wont enjoy kuddling or haging kids. You can do all that and it is wonderful just because your lesbien doesn't shut out human experiences ---------- Post added 14th Nov 2012 at 10:46 PM ---------- If you are lesbien which ot sorta seems you are... which is good
Just because you are with a girl doesn't mean you can't have kids. You can still have all those experiences and your kids won't have to miss out on things either. They can still have strong male role models in their life to look up to. They can run into your or your counter parts arms for protection. It's ok to be scared. Everyone has been there and I know everything seems dark and impossible. I get it. If you end up falling in love with a man, that's great but it's also great if you end up falling in love with a woman. I know I am terrified of even considering telling my parents I'm gay, much less introducing my girlfriend, when I have one. I try not to think about it. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it and so will you and we are here for you along the way!
I am a woman. And the next person I marry, is going to be a woman - the second and last person. And we are going to have kids - biological or adopted, I will wait to meet her to find out. But that choice will be about personal preference, not being gay. And we will love them dearly and teach them to take care of each other. And they will have male figures in their lives, and hopefully their biological father if that is possible (may ask a friend to donate and be involved with their significant other too, straight or gay I have no idea). And I cook all the time - I don't bake but I hope she does because then we will have it all covered! You can be everything you ever wanted to be, and have everything you ever wanted to have, with a woman by your side to help. You can be legally married. You can legally both be parents. You can be out and keep your job and your family. Think of it this way, you could have all of these things if you were with a man and then something happened and he died or you broke up. Many women have been there. Or you can have all of this as a single mom and live with a woman to help each other out - a friend, a sister, someone who is strong and in the same boat as you. Many women have households like that, just because it saves money and helps with childcare. So what is so different (and negative) if you take those straight scenarios and simply change it to your lifelong spouse being a loving, supportive, gentle, caring woman instead of a man or a friend? Someone who is so cool your family and friends love her as much as you do? If that matters to you, someone who could also pass and get along in the straight world? There is not too much that is different from that life than two straight women living together to help each other out, in terms of what other people are privy to. Just sayin. I used to be afraid of this, and now I am so so excited for it to happen, for me to build the home that really suits me and makes me happy, with the type of person who makes me the most comfortable. What will happen for me and what may happen for you is not so different. And I don't have to change who I am to have it. I tried the married forever to a guy to have family with thing. I can't say it's terrible, but I can say it wasn't the fairytale I hoped for, and pretty much no one I know ended up with that either. There is no perfect story you want to tell your family in that side either - his problems with laziness, or with porn, or violence, or drinking. Straight marriages are not a fairytale with a picket fence. They are full of divorces and cheating and remarriages and half siblings and single motherhood and then a year of food stamps. Not all, but it is common - WAY common. Gay marriage is no better or worse. But you don't have to change who you are or what you want to be in one. You can be the example of what it CAN be, so everyone else you know who might not be ok with it will be like - well, if anybody is going to do it, I really like the way she does it! At least she is happy, they are loving, their kids and great and healthy, and we are all close. If these are people who really care about you, the fact that you are happy and with someone who mingles well with their crowd is all that matters. I had a husband who made everyone feel weird at a party and who was abusive to me. If my friends have a problem with the well-adjusted and delightful woman I bring to the next function, I'll just ask if they'd like me to bring back the ex instead, so I can be miserable and everyone can be uncomfortable again. We started out like the perfect couple. But 15 years changes a lot. Pretty sure they will get the picture and choose the woman instead - it's my life not theirs. And if they want to be in it, they will have to care more about my happiness than their image. The rollercoaster is normal - we all have moments of euphoria and then moments of wanting to run back in the closet. But who you are is ok. And however your life turns out it is ok, as long as you are happy. I used to get nauseous thinking of what I pictured lesbian life to be, and not wanting to be that. Then I finally realized, I am the one who wants to be with a woman, I am the one who gets to decide what lesbian life looks like. And if it looks like all the things I think are the coolest, then I did a good job! I am not a copycat, I am me. You are you. Do you. If you are healthy and happy and positive, other people will come around eventually and see what a great thing you have going. If you crawl into a hole to spend eternity hating yourself, most of the people you know will blame you and see you as the worst you see in yourself. Be confident, know who you are. You are not that.
I don't know how to explain it without going into my whole sob story. It makes me sound schizophrenic, but there's a voice in my head that's screaming at me, demanding that I pick a side. But I can't. I can't pick a side, because I'm terrified of picking wrong.
But that's just it Geek. I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough. I've never been skinny enough, or pretty enough, or blonde enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or charming enough. And I never will be. People like me, we don't get choices. We take what we're given and than whatever god we believe in that we got through another day without being mocked. I can't make the decision, because it's not mine to make. Sure, I can decide I want to be with a woman, but no woman would ever want to be with me. Why would she, when just around the corner there's someone skinnier, and prettier, and blonder, and funnier, and smarter? Why would she, when I haven't been below 180 pounds in five years, and I can't wear heels without looking like a beheamoth? She wouldn't. And it's not like guys are much better. But men care less about the personality, and more about the package. I can fix the package. I can skip a few meals and shed the last thirty pounds. And then I'll be pretty enough. But girls try to look inside. I know, because I am one. We have to know someone. It's never good enough to just fuck and run. I can't fake happiness. I can't fake smiles. I'm so sick of faking smiles. I'm sick of blaming my cat for the pretty white lines on my arms and legs. I'm just sick of all of it. I can't do it.
Why do you need to pick a side? I am bisexual, I did not pick a side when I was your age. I just let what would happen happen. I focused on friendships, on getting ready for college, and let the romantic show up if it did. Plenty of guys hit on me, and I turned them down, I just wasn't into those particular guys at all. They were lots of gay rumors - whatever, I didn't care, it was none of anyone's business, I knew what I was into. I thought "maybe this is going towards women" - at the time, there were plenty of women I had crushes on but it wasn't something you could do openly without serious problems at school then, and that was fine with me because I didn't want to get in any serious relationship anyway. I figured if I wanted to meet anyone college would be great for that. Only 3 days after I went to college, I met the guy who ended up being my husband. I fell really hard, and I did not want to be with anyone else. I told him within the first week we knew each other that I was bi - he said, well, as long as you don't feel a need to be in other relationships while you're with me (with male or female), what does it matter? That was important to me, I would not have been with a homophobe - and really, I don't think a homophobe would be all that attracted to me anyway, I am femme but I act kind of butch and it is pretty clear to a lot of people that I am pretty much right down the middle. So that worked out really well for us. He became my best friend, and we talked about women the way I used to talk about guys with my female straight friends. If one of us saw a hot woman on TV or in a restaurant, we would chat about it like buddies. It was never weird, he was never creepy about it and never asked me to do a threeway, it was just a part of our relationship like any other. I liked him as a guy because sexually I really am right in the middle, I like both equally. So it wasn't a big deal, and all his friends knew and nobody really cared. We stayed together for 14 years. When we divorced, we both knew I would be dating women exclusively, because emotionally I really am not a good fit with guys and I made a huge exception for him. When that didn't work, it was pretty obvious no guy would work as a good partner for me. If women don't work either, then I give up. But we'll see - so far, I feel much more comfortable with the idea of being married to a woman, it would fit me better. So I never really chose. I did choose to be monogamous, but that is me. Not everybody will want that. Not every relationship will require it either. I fantasized about women, but I never did anything. I fantasized about men too, but I never did anything. I wanted to be married, I am pretty much a one person girl, I like to put my all into something and to feel safe and like I have a permanent family. Neither of us ever cheated, nor did we ever have trust issues about that at all. Our divorce also had nothing to do with my sexuality - it would have been a sacrifice never to be with a woman, but it was a sacrifice never to be with another man either. Being with just one person is always a sacrifice - it's either worth it to you, or it's not. There are all kinds of ways to handle bisexuality, mine is one. I only do one thing at a time, I don't like to mix genders at all or deal with multiple people. That is one way. Maybe hearing my story will give you a little more confidence that it is ok not to make up your mind. Crush away, be into whoever you are into. If you really like someone, date them. If you have a need to do so, date women and men too. You are awfully young, and sexuality is for life. Even if you stay bi your whole life, that does not mean you didn't "make a decision." It means that you are whom you were born, and chose to be with who you chose to be with at the time, and if you want to, you can always change, or you can stay with who you're with. There are a lot of people who are happy being who they are - I am one of them, I love being able to see something beautiful in every human being, no matter what form they take. I don't have much choice about who I fall in love with, or what side I am really into - most of the time I am strongly into one side for a few years, then it switches (I don't know why) and I am way into the other side. It doesn't matter, if I am with one person I stay with that person and ride it out just like any other marital shift, and that has worked fine for me because I am always at least somewhat bisexual. Then there are times in between where for a short while I feel completely split in two. I don't like that feeling, it is way more unsettling, I can't keep my mind in one place and I think about both women and men in a sexual way throughout the day and it creeps me out. But it's not really so bad, it's only temporary, maybe a few months at most, and then I kind of settle in again. That's just how I've always been, it's a mental cycle, and because I am more into an individual than a "team" it doesn't really matter too much when those swings happen, I'm still into the same person regardless of where they fall. I have been primarily into women again now for several years, so now that I will be dating again soon I'll only be dating women. But if for some reason I switch back and have another "straight cycle," that will be fine, I'll just date that way if it's important to me and I haven't already settled down with a woman. Right now that thought turns me off, but I try not to judge these feelings, I have had them for enough years to know it always comes back around, it doesn't mean I have to have a chaotic shift in my life if I am really into a particular person, because they're still gonna be cool no matter what. I think this comes down likely to you not being in love with someone. If you are REALLY into someone, it's easy to focus on them and not all the choices, if you're into monogamy. That is the choice, and it's kind of made for you, it just happens naturally. If you're not into monogamy, then you might have trouble choosing and be into both a man and a woman at the same time, but if you're honest about it with your partners and you're not serious, that may be fine for everyone. There are a number of people who have polyamorous relationships with a bisexual person connecting them and they find an arrangement that is comfortable for them. Try to be open to what feels right for you. That is what this site is all about, listening to yourself and respecting what makes you happy so you can be healthy. Sorry this gets long, but I wish I had known all this when I was your age, it would have saved me a lot of anxiety at certain points in my life to know that people like me could exist. Also, I deal with a lot of nonsense from gay people especially about being bisexual (straight people never seem to have as much of an issue with it - not the people I'm close to, anyway), and I think it helps to discuss these things more openly so people understand better. The idea that I can't be trusted and am sleeping with people all over the place, that I am "bi for the boys" or just experimenting or just bitter from a bad straight relationship, or a really closeted lesbian - are not even remotely true. I am monogamous, I know who I am, I have always been bisexual right down the middle in terms of what I find sexually appealing, and I will always be that way, it has not changed in 33 years and it's not going to change. But what side I feel comfortable with does shift, and I think the decision to stay with women is probably permanent unless some day I meet a really exceptional man, and I am not looking for that at all, I think it would be a hassle at this point to ever try that again, because it is just much easier for me to be emotionally close to women, it's a much more natural fit for me on a day-to-day basis when it's more about paying the bills, raising children, talking about feelings, dealing with crisis - partnership stuff. I went with the most feminine straight guy I could, and he still was too male for me in the way he thought about and approached daily stuff. It was annoying, and isolating. I could have sex with him plenty - even now if that didn't emotionally gross me out! But I never want to live with a guy again as long as I live! They are great people, but that constant effort to communicate and try to understand each other on even the most basic tiny thing is not for me, seriously not fun! They are way better pals than life partners, for me at least. Don't pressure yourself so much. If it is healthy for you to make a decision, it will happen naturally if you give it time and stop worrying so much. Be a good person, that's all that matters. And be happy with what you have, it is kind of wonderful when you think about it.
OK, I just saw the new posts. WAIT. You are not at all like what you seem to see yourself as. You seem really smart to me, really kind and sweet, someone with a lot of great things going for you. Really. I am not hitting on you because that would be gross this is a support group, and I am not going to date someone half my age. So with that said, I would absolutely date someone like you, if that person were my own age. And as a person your age, I would have also dated someone like you, and probably thought you were really hot. Plenty of other people have that cookie cutter look, hot people who starve themselves and wear the perfect thing are a dime a dozen. And the guys who are into that are going to treat you that way. So will the shallow women. Be who you are, that is beautiful and enough, and hold the standard for who can be with you really high - the person you get with should be kind, generous, thoughtful, and treat you with respect. That person should be intelligent, and real. Why would you lower yourself to be with some shallow loser who you are 20 times smarter than anyway, and who will also be a total selfish jerk as a partner? Pick someone who is every bit as good and loving a person as you, and no less. THAT is a mistake I made, and I will regret that for a long time. I should have loved myself enough to choose a person who was as good a person as I was, and who had some emotional intelligence and depth to relate to. I should have had higher standards for who could spend time with me, not just hang with anybody who liked me because that felt flattering. If you are cutting, you need to talk to a therapist or doctor about that. It is serious. There is nothing so wrong with you that you deserve to feel that need. You are ok. You are just mature and maybe a lot of the people you're around have not caught up yet. That doesn't mean YOU should change, it means they should grow up. YOU should stay exactly who you are. PLEASE do not start skipping meals and hurting your body, it did not do anything bad to you. Treat it with love and respect, you will have it forever. You are an intelligent, kind, feeling person and your mind is just having trouble dealing, it is only temporary. I really hope you will speak with a therapist or counselor, someone who is kind and you can trust. When I read your first post, I thought, wow, someone like me, I so relate to her! Someone who can write, someone who can express... I would really like to talk to this person. In person, I would feel exactly the same if you expressed yourself that way. Hot is hot, if you have a body connected to your brain and your brain is hot, that is all I would need to know. There are going to be plenty of people who are into you in your life (and maybe already are but they are afraid to say so), and if you treat yourself with dignity and confidence, plenty of those will be worthy people. I hate that most young people seem to have this crazy myth that only the most physically perfect people can get dates and have someone awesome fall in love with them. When you get out into the adult world, you realize that is a HUMAN experience, everybody has multiple people attracted to them without even trying, and everyone can fall in love if you're open to it and treat yourself well rather than like dirt. People who are not stereotypically hot are with hot people all the time. It is not how other people treat you, it is how YOU treat you. You teach people how kind to be, how much respect to give you, by showing them what you are ok with. If someone treats you like crap and you immediately dump them, that will emanate from you, people will pick up on it and have more respect for you, and also treat you well because they want to be able to stick around- they see what a good thing they have in knowing you. If you don't talk yourself down, other people won't either - they will learn that is not ok with you. Anyone who doesn't treat you well is probably a dumb schmo that is beneath you - and I mean that sincerely, not just to try to make you feel good. In fact, I assume you don't like hearing that and don't want to believe me. But it's really true, you are kind because you are a smart person, and people who are not like that are not very smart or cool - there are plenty of people who will respond to who you are if you stick it out for those who will. As an adult, I have learned there is not a single person who feels ok with themselves - not a single person, no matter how perfect, how rich, whatever. It is just a human thing to wonder if we are good enough, to find something wrong. You have more in common with those girls with the perfect image than you think - they are busy hating themselves, cutting or starving, believing no one will truly love them, too. Really. They are worried people will think they're dumb, or find out their parents are drug addicts, or find them boring or not thin enough, or maybe hate them because they are gay. There's someone you know who you think has it all, at home crying her eyes out right now. That's just life, we are all people. I hope you can find it in your heart to see what's good in you. It is so easy for me to see, and I don't know you at all. You should be able to see that too. You can't fake being a cool person, you just are one. Might as well accept it.
I already posted on your wall but I'm going to post here too because you need to understand this. I was the insecure one who thought that I am not good enough for anyone. I was good at school but I wasn't the best. I love music and can sing but I am not phenomenal. I never felt like I was truly the best at anything and, my mind translated that to being the worst. I'm not pretty in a stereotypical way. I'm more stocky in appearance and even when I am not overweight. I look heavy because of the way I am built. This killed my self-esteem for the longest time. Things were really dark. I just realized I liked girls and this threw all of my preconceived notions out the window. I always, since I was very little, said I was never going to get married. I just could never see myself with a guy so I didn't care what people thought of my appearance. Then I realized I was just looking in the wrong place and all of the sudden, all of the superficial stuff I dismissed before became vitally important. I looked at myself and realized, I wasn't up to standard. But that wasn't true. I wasn't up to the plastic standard that gets thrown at us all day but that doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. Once I accepted myself and let myself be confident in who I am, others began to see that who I am is actually kind of cool. Who cares if I look a little chubbier than girls in magazines. I rock it. I'm confident in myself and the way my body is built actually helps me with what I want to do with my life. You are not where I am yet and that is ok. It takes a different amount of time for different people to accept themselves. But you need to know that you are awesome the way you are. You are your own type of beautiful and once you realize that, you can rock it and will find people that see that in you as well, regardless if it's a girl or boy.
Yay, MusicGeek, I love that post! And I bet you do rock out being you! It's so not easy, but it is so worth the journey, to learn to love oneself. We are the only people we are ever going to be with every moment of our entire lives, if we don't even like ourselves that is going to be a seriously sucky life. So glad you found a way to be ok with the real you, so others could see it too.
I'm going to try and address everything the two of you said separately. Here I go. Bright, I know that you're correct. I should love myself exactly how I am. I should be happy with what I've been given, and just be grateful. But I can't. And I'm not. What I am isn't good enough, not for me, or my father. What I am isn't good enough for the real world, where people will capitalize on every fault you have and use all of your weaknesses to throw you under the bus and use your tattered body as one more step up on their climb to the top. As for the cutting, my mother knows. I'm fairly positive my father knows. My school councillor knows, as does my therapist. Nobody cares. Why would they? Self-harm is one of those "if we don't talk about it, it doesn't happen" sort of things. And I know you're worried about me starving myself. But I'm not. I eat. I just don't need as much food as everyone says I do. I haven't passed out, I'm not skin and bones. I eat plenty. Some people need a 1000 calories a day, but I don't. Geek, I love you, and I'm so glad you've got out of the pit I'm in. But there's a tarp over mine, and the last time I climbed to the top and started pounding, they lifted the lid, gave me a taste of freedom, and then stabbed me in the heart. I'm laying on the bottom now, bleeding out. Hence the poem up there. Who needs a heart when it's tattered and torn? Who needs lungs when all I want to do is fly? You can't breathe up there, in the sky. People won't just let me die. Wow. I'm one depressing little fuck.
They problem is that you are waiting for others to let you out. I get that it's what we are trained to do but it doesn't have to be that way. Screw everyone else. Don't wait for someone to lift the tarp. Cut through the tarp and let yourself out. You feel like you just want to die but people won't let you? Maybe you still have something worth living for. I can sit here all day and night telling you that you can do it but until you take the first step and start loving you, you are going to be stuck. I know. These aren't some bs words that I am just saying because it's the right thing to say. It's true. I lived it and it was hell for a really long time. It still feels like it sometimes. You need to take the initiative and start getting yourself out. Make noise and get people's attention if that's what you need to do. You will never feel totally better until you embrace yourself. I don't really care what other people think of you or me or anybody else. That is their problem. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop trying to find your worth in others and stop waiting to be saved. You can save yourself. I know you can. Trust me. You have it in you. ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2012 at 04:47 PM ---------- Maybe it would help if I shared something wit you that I wrote. It's not very good and kind of jumbled but this is one of the things I wrote when I realized that I was holding myself prisoner to society's expectations. Broken, Torn, Nobody cares nobody wonders but everyone stares not pretty, not good still, I thought that I could, Could break out, run free but alas, I couldn't see I wait for the black Depression to attack Settle in for the storm I've been here before NO! Not this time! anger instead I turn on the light. Crawl out of the bed who are they to kill me? They're not worth a glance I'm better then this This is my chance. That anger, it's power it churns in my gut I use it, embrace it and find out just what, what I am worth. So while others jeer and hiss, I step into the day and blow them a kiss.
Geek... I just... I don't know what to tell you. What whats-his-pickle said up there is probably true ; I probably have undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. Or something else wrong with me. I'm probably bipolar. I'm trying to be happier. But life likes to throw a pill on top of my head and try to smother me. This debating-who-I-am thing doesn't help either. What you said, though, about how I have to stop waiting for other people to save me, that hits home. But at the same time, I've been told me entire life that I'm not good enough. So how can I ever save myself? And it's hard to stop the cycle and escape that mind-set when the person who gave it to me in the first place is always there, a constant reminder. I'll try though. I'll try to be happier, and to love myself. But the mirror doesn't lie. Regardless of whether I'm good enough for myself, and regardless of the fact that I know no normal person looks like those Hollywood girls, society expects it. They demand it. And I'm not strong enough to deny them. I just need sleep, I think. Sleep may help, or it may make things worse. But I suppose tomorrow I can fake it better if I'm not exhausted.
There is so much to say here, but I don't have time right now. I just wanted to post quick so you know others support you. You are stuck in a world that is really messed up, and your thinking is messed up as a result. It sounds like you were born into a pretty abusive situation, and as a result you hate yourself. That happened to me too, and millions of others. When you grow up being told you're not good enough, how can you possibly expect yourself to feel like you are good enough? And a note about what you said, human bodies of at least adolescent size require a minimum of 1500 calories a day to function, and most who move around a normal amount need 2,000. Those who are very active may need 2,500-3,000 calories or more. You assertion that your body just does not even need 1,000 calories is just not scientific or remotely true. What it is doing is slowing down to try to adjust to starving. It will stop losing weight eventually and even gain weight. Your brain will slow down. Everything will be strained and you will feel terrible and without energy. But those are not signs that you don't need more food, they are actually signs that you DO. And although I get what you're saying about the real world, I am part of the real world too. And so are my friends. And a huge percentage of people who don't think like what they show on TV. So because they make money with that crap does not mean the majority of people actually think and act like that. High school is not much indication of the outside world. It shows you hierarchy, that does exist. But it shows you very little of feelings or what is important, and most people are far more normal outside of it. You'll find way more reasonable people in college, for instance. Not all, but a LOT. So few people think like what you are talking about in real life that it won't matter that some do, because those people are generally not going to be your bosses, your friends, your romantic partners - those kind of people won't even be a blip on your radar most days of the year. In high school like 10% of people are normal and feeling human beings. In the real world, like 65% of people are normal feeling human beings. Your sense of reality is warped by where you are, and the house you're in. When you get away from your parents and the creeps you know in school, and get out among decent people with kindness in your hearts, you will find that life is very different from what you know it to be. It DOES get much better. Please keep hanging in there and try to be open to a life where people are not hurting you anymore. It happened for me, and for MusicGeek, and it will happen to you to. But you have to keep open to it. And the fact that no one has done anything about your cutting is appalling, sorry but it sounds like you live in a really backwards place, because that is not normal at all for a bunch of adults to do absolutely nothing. When I was going through serious stuff, none of the adults in my life did anything either, but that was many years ago, I can't imagine what kind of idiots would still be like that today. More proof that you will rise above all this as soon as you get to a healthier place mentally, and geographically too. Didn't I say I have no time? Ack! Must run!
