Does anyone completely stop feeling emotions when they are stuck in survival mode? Its everything I can do to get through the day trying to get enough work and money in order to move away from my ex boyfriend after coming out to him. Hes started dating again and it made me really upset and angry a couple of days ago and now my emotions are completely shut off. I dont feel anything. I guess this is good but I think its confusing him. He should be happy that Im just stuck on thinking, work, groceries, work, money, look at basement suites online, improve my dancing, job hunt, work. Once I get stuck in this mode I dont have emotions anymore and I guess it makes me hard to relate to or something.
I think you should do whatever you have to do in order to get through this moment in your life. By staying focused and on the right track you'll be able to achieve whatever you put your heart into. So, hang in there and soon enough, you'll have the resources to move out and possibly start dating. I'm not sure if that's a high priority on your list right now, but perhaps you should meet someone. I know it's not easy knowing that he's dating again, but try to think about the future and stay positive no matter what c:
I ended up talking to him about the new girl he is interested in last night and turns out I do still have feelings, hahah. I was holding a jar of pickles and I was so angry and jealous I wanted to pour the vinegar into his eyes hearing about her. Of course I just stood there. Should I expect him to wait until I am able to move out to start dating? Because Im not going to tell him what to do with his life but I would prefer that he wait. Of course Im not going to TELL him to wait especially after stringing him along for so long before I came out.
You can't TELL him what to do, but it doesn't hurt for you to tell him how you're feeling. He might see how much it's hurting you and either stop or at least keep it to himself.
He says he "wishes I could hurry up and find a girlfriend so I wont be jealous anymore when he talks about his crushes on other girls". Hes also going on and on these days about how hurt he is and his eyes fill up with tears every time he looks at me. I feel so guilty I want to die sometimes from the pain of the guilt. I know he's hurting, I'd do anything to take away his pain, even let him have sex with me but he will know I am just pretending now, so it wont work. I was so closeted before I WASNT EVEN OUT TO MYSELF. How could I have been out to him? And when I feel him pulling away from me theres a voice in my head that keeps saying "you are just making it up that you are gay. Just patch things up with him and move on". The self doubt is ridiculous. Its been 4 and a half months of this torture and Ive been trying so hard but I cant get enough work to move out and be on my own. I guess I just have to try harder.
Im done trying to do this on my own. I need help. Im not sure what to do. Maybe check myself into a hospital or something but I dont know if Im messed up enough. Im incapable of suicide, I know that, so I dont think theyd keep me in a hospital, plus I hate hospitals.
Hospitals should be reserved for those that truly need then, and although I may have interpreted your post incorrectly, I don't think using the hospital is a good "back up" plan. That said, are there any other place to go? Could you try crashing in with friends while you try to move out? Do you live far from your hometown? How about moving in with your parents or relatives if they don't live too far away??
There's got to be a plan 'C' if plan 'A' is stay where you are and plan 'B' is check yourself into the hospital. As suggested, are there friends you could stay with? Or move back with parents?
Yeah I was drunk when I wrote that. I only drink a couple of times a year, its not a common coping mechanism for me. I have no one to stay with. I dont have any family. So I decided I will try to take out a student loan and go to school full time starting in January. That way I can get my living expenses covered and starting in February I can move out. Its really annoying though, cause I have to wait and see if I qualify and everything and he just came home and started snapping at me and cutting off my sentences again. I know I deserve it for leading him on for so long but it still hurts, especially since one of my bosses at work has become verbally abusive as well and does the exact same thing (cuts me off in mid sentence when Im trying to ask questions) .
I found out my ex boyfriend has been fucking around and that pissed me off too. It is just common human nature to be jealous in situations like that, so you are no different than a lot of people. I even proded my ex to tell me if he had been with other guys, and STILL was jealous and pissed even after I told him I wouldn't get jealous or pissed. So it really is just a normal thing to go through.
