Anticipating a Bad Reaction, Looking For Others Who've Experienced it

I didn't have a bad reaction from any family or friends, so I don't have much in the way of experiences to share.

It sounds to me like you're doing what you need to do. And that is to surround yourself with people who DO support you so that when you finally have a confrontation with someone who doesn't support you, you've got people to lean on and to support you. That's really all you can do.

The other thing might be to start warming your dad up a little bit to this. Maybe you should talk to him about the election issues, and ask him why he feels the way he does, and why you think 'other' people voted the way they did to defeat the motions. Maybe he needs to hear that the people around him don't agree with him on everything - and that there are other opinions to be considered. Maybe he needs to hear that you didn't vote the way he did. While that might make for some uncomfortable dinner conversations sooner, it sets the stage so that he isn't completely blindsided when you tell him you're transitioning.

 

It is wonderful tat you are doing so well. I am really happy for you and I don't even know you.

So what is comes down to is, if your dad really loves you, eventually he is going to have to see that this is the only way you can be happy. That could take years, and yeah, it could never happen that he is really ok with it. But you're an adult, it is your life.

Has your dad ever felt strongly about something that he had to stick to even if everyone else felt it was wrong, because it made him happy? Maybe his religion? Maybe who he fell in love with? Maybe a career choice?

Try to find common ground with him, and help him to see your side. Because he may cut you off once you tell him because he is hurt and upset, it might be better to try to discuss things you have in common with him, and ways that transgendered people people that he can understand, before you come out to him. Then even if he stops talking to you for a while he will be thinking about what you said. There are a lot of parents who really can't deal, but over time will love their child so much that they try to have relationships with them anyway. It will be up to you to determine the boundaries of what you are and aren't ok with - if you need him to acknowledge that this is permanent, if you need him to say he is ok with it, or if you just need him to talk to you at all, even if you have to wear dude clothes for a while while you do it. That is your choice what is fine with you, just don't compromise your dignity as a person with feelings.

The thing is, he probably knows. Very likely, that is a big part of why he feels as strongly as he does about things - he thinks if rules are rigid enough, life can be prevented from being complicated and changing out of his control to things that are uncomfortable for him. He may be afraid of losing you, or you getting hurt. It sounds like he is a caring dad outside of the bigotry, and that is a good start, at least he loves you, even if he has a very narrow view of who you are allowed to be.

Try to help him to see that this was life and death for you, that you were really unhappy and would have died if you stayed the way you were. Also, don't do it alone. Try get other family members who will stand up for you with him if he decides not to have contact for a while. Make sure you have books or articles he might want to read, and give him info to attend a support group in your area for family of Trans people, or at least to an online site if there isn't one. Learn as much as you can about he feels before you tell him, so you can address his concerns with solid answers that make sense to you - about the medical side, about the spiritual side, etc. Try to help him see that God made you the way you are, and that in fact the challenge was in being different and finding a way to love yourself and cope with a medical condition, not in trying to quell a negative flaw like he may be thinking of it. It's not like alcoholism or devil worship. It is embracing God and treating others well, as I'm sure he knows you are good to others, and also caring for oneself enough to face a hard medical decision that might leave you without family. Help him to see this as a medical condition like others that God gives us to treat, and that it must be treated or you will lose your life.

He will miss you. He will feel loss of a son. But he will also gain someone new in his life who is not so different from the person he knew - because you were always this way, nothing has changed in who you are. He didn't do anything wrong, it is not anyone's fault. Eventually, watching videos about this, including Chaz Bono's, may help him because it shows the relatable human side, and the struggles family go through. He won't feel alone, or like you are alone either. He may feel better talking to the doctor you are seeing. Perhaps your therapist can also recommend resources for him.

Remind him that you are happier now than you have ever been, and how unhealthy this can be if untreated - the severe stress over years can lead to suicide, but it can also lead to violence because peers sense you do not fit in your body, and cancer and other illness after years of your cells being corrupted and your immune system being compromised by all the stress. This releases that, and ensures you have a healthy and happy and long life. And what parent does not want that for their child? If after a long time he still does not want this for you, you need to consider that maybe he is not a healthy person to know, and you can feel sad, but it is his loss and his failure to be a father against the adversities in life, not yours. You need to surround yourself with people who have healthy minds, and if he cannot want your happiness above any rule, then he is not mentally healthy. Surround yourself with those who get and love you anyway, and build a great life.

 

Ok. Only because you asked for it. *sorry this is a bit long*

About two years ago, I was really depressed, very suicidal. I hated my body I wanted to cut off certain parts. I was starting to act very fem in my actions, and I thought I was losing my mind. So I started doing research, and came upon a Transgender site. Reading through others experiences and finding myself very similar to others on there. I came up with the idea that I was transgender. It really felt like that was who I was. I became excited and my depression and thoughts of hurting myself all went away.

I kept on doing more and more research, and got in touch with a transgender therapist. By this time I had literally began to see and embrace my feminine side. I went as far as not only embracing the idea of transgender I also desired to have the surgery as well. This went along with my gender dysphoria about removing certain parts of my body as soon as possible.

I went by the name Rachel Elizabeth Evans, and after a couple of months of therapy, I was about to begin my hormone therapy. I decided to come out to everyone. * at this time I had come out to a lot of people that were close but not my oldest sister. I have two. Anyhow, I decided that at the same time I was going to come out on Facebook, as I was so much more happier than I had ever been up until that moment.:icon_bigg

Not even twenty four hrs later I started receiving calls from my Traditional Catholic part of my family. It was a shocker. My God parents showed up after driving ten hrs to come and take me to a mental institution, and had a priest show up to council me as well. I was told repeatedly that I had lost my mind, and how dare I destroy my family, all the years that I had put into my marriage, and that my grandson would be taken away from my care.:eek:

The shock was so terrible and so great that I just shut down. It literally destroyed me. :tears:

It was after many therapy sessions and medicines that built me back up to being what they wanted me to be. A normal straight husband and grandfather who did his duty to his wife and family. They added high doses of certain medicines and T shots to round out the results they wanted.

I was gone. :help:

Fast forward two years later. After many months slowly being weened of the medicine and T shots, *due to finances*

I had an epiphany. I am gay. (!)

This time was different, this time I only told certain people, and not others. In fact they still don't know. But I am much more ready to tell them, because I understand who I am so much better then I did back then, and this time there is no argument, or words that can change me. I KNOW I am gay. I know I have always been gay, I see that now. In my minds eye my whole life opens up and is so obvious. :eusa_doh:

It was due to sexual abuse that caused my first out of closet experience, and the clarity of my epiphany now has caused me to remember everything all the way back till I was 8 yrs old and knew then I was different and that I was gay, even though then too I was told it was bad to be such. :icon_sad:

Sorry, I guess what I am showing you what happens in the worse scenario. You are so much more strong than I. That is also very obvious. You are strong, smart, wonderful, and very beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT. YOU ARE YOU. Your father I am sure loves you, but please be prepared if he cannot or will not accept it, you may have to walk away for a bit. It may take years, *hope not* but you have to live your life the way it was meant to be. AS YOU.(*hug*)

 

I hope you will keep posting here. Your story could certainly help a lot of people, as you figure out how you want to handle it and see what happens. We support you!