Hey, I'm here to find answers, so any input is greatly appreciated I don't know what exactly is wrong, but there have been some changes in my life recently, I've been trying not to think about it. This isn't something I've ever mentioned to anyone, and I need to know what is going on, I need to make some informed decisions. I'm a 22 year old woman. I don't remember ever wanteing to be a guy as a kid. I do remember feeling rejected when guys wouldn't hang out with me. Even today I find women make me nervous, and I have a hard time being friends with chicks in general. I've always told myself it's because I'm introverted.I have no interest in things most of the women in my life are drawn to.Even as a kid I wanted to play with power tools and build things but I wasn't allowed, so I took to drawing videogames mostly. Right now I'm learning game design. I've never wondered if I was gay, I pretty much wasn't allowed to wonder as my famiy are predominantly pentacostal christians, and there isn't anyone in my family cirlce I can be honest with. I just don't know. I'm not entirely comfortable with sex, and in fact (sorry for the details) I barely feel it or enjoy it,I didn't even try it until I was 20, and even now I can't really get into it. My family mostly acted like sex wasn't real and made me feel ashamed if I got crushes or anything like that. I used to be dressed and have my hair done like a boy most of the time, but I dont remember if it was my parents decision or mine. At about 11 I started to develope anorexia, but I didnt really get into it until I was 14 or 15. I wasn't fat, but I was tall and felt really masculine compared to other chicks.I wasn't worried about looking female or slim, I just wanted to shrink. Things got confusing because I didn't want people to think I wasn't feminine, I wanted to be accepted, but at the same time I did want to be like a guy. I don't remember ever thinking about it, it just seemed like something I had to fix. My family tried to pretend nothing was happening and discouraged me from getting any help, so the disorder got worse. Eventually they sort of threatened me into hiding it, our relatives complained that me not eating creeped them out, so I developed bulemia(yeah, I know it's stupid and discusting, I don't know what I was thinking). I knew it was a psychological problem, there was something I was lying to myself and everyone else about, and up until now I've sort of obsessively hidden the disease from everyone. I'm a normal weight but that isn't the issue. About 8 months ago I started to take care of myself (finally). I can't ignore that I'm really masculine unless I sedate myself, and I don't want to. I feel like I identify with men, but I don't want to make the mistake of assuming I'm anything in particular.I would say I have some feminine traits. I've always dated guys just because they liked me, I don't really find men attractive but most of the men I've been into have turned out to be gay...I know I'm not the only woman who's been through this, but what is up with that? Does anybody have an idea? I recently just gave up and thought "okay, well nobody can criticize me for being a guy in my head, it's not like they'll know..." and I just stopped trying to tell myself I'm a woman. I haven't had an episode of bulemia since I came to this obsevation. It feels like I never had an eating disorder, the thought of starving doesn't comfort me now, it makes me feel out of control and weak, but I have no idea why admitting this to myself would help. I feel really good on the one hand, but I find myself torn between wanting to express this and the fact that nobody in my life will accept it. I have say it to somebody, it feels like I'm admitting this fake part of myself is indeed fake, it's like somebody forced it on me a long time ago and I just remembered now...kind of..I know how weird that sounds...am I imagining this? It feels like failing to find a means of expressing this, or trying to forget about it, would be like trying to kill myself off. Ever since I developed anorexia it's been like I'm trying to shut myself up....whew.....Whatever your opinion is, I'd like to know!
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I'm so glad that you found this site - I think it has a lot to offer you. And in time, I'm sure you'll have a lot to off to it. I can't relate to your questions about whether or not you're more a boy than a girl, but that doesn't mean it isn't an issue. Transgender people on the site have had various experiences growing up. Only time will tell as to whether that's really your issue. I can relate to the eating disorder in a way. I developed an addiction - and I know it started when I was quite young - I just didn't know that it was a problem until I was in my mid 30s and it ruled my life. AND I do think that me being gay and not being able to admit it or acknowledge it contributed to me having that addiction. We have developed coping mechanisms to deal with an issue, and the coping mechanism wasn't a healthy one. Finally dealing with the issue can release a lot of the pressure that was driving the addiction or disorder - so that might be what you are experiencing now. At the same time, a decade of acting out in your eating disorders isn't going to just go away like that. If you're going to school, look into counselling services through your school and see about talking to someone about all of this. Share with them exactly what you've shared with us. Your family of origin and their attitudes, your eating disorders, your questions around gender and orientation. It can't hurt to talk about it, and if you find a great therapist, it will likely help immensely. But in the mean time, keep posting here. Get this stuff off your chest. Hopefully others will chime in and share their own experiences as they relate to yours. Again - welcome!
