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really need advice understanding closet boyfriend!!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by joey7630, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. joey7630

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    hey everyone,

    im 2 years with my bf, he has made progress coming out to people which hasnt turned out so well. he was ditched by many so called friends.

    his gay mate is far in the closet who my bf parties with regularly. Now if his mate goes to his straight buddies and brings my bf then i cant go of course. i told my bf he should be proud of our relationship but at the same time it wont out his mate. my bf thinks the values and feelings of the straight are much more important and he wants to keep everyone happy.

    i love him dearly but its putting a severe strain on things and im wondering is it fair for me to pressure him but at the same time is he disrespecting our relationship?
    ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT!!!
     
  2. Keelin

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    I'm not sure what the problem is.

    Your boyfriend is going to parties with another guy, and you can't come... why?

    How many people know you're gay?
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off, welcome to Empty Closets!

    It's too bad that your boyfriend's coming out hasn't gone too well, and a part of me understands why your boyfriend might behave the way he does.

    If he isn't out to his mate's friends, and given his past coming out, I can understand why he would be hesitant to bring you along, and thus outing himself, but still it raises questions because you are in a relationship though yet in some ways you are not.

    If you have already told to your boyfriend "you should be proud of our relationship," there is also something for you to think about. That in itself raises a flag for me. What does your boyfriend when he is asked whether he is seeing someone?

    Plus, and that is something for you to ponder: if your boyfriend is willing to keep your relationship hidden because "the values and feelings of the straight are much more important," I don't think he is ready to have a relationship, and I don't think he is being entirely fair to you, and I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel about it.
     
  4. Joey4

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    When you join EC, it would help to build your profile. Age group is a large factor in these problems and it would help people trying to help you.

    I imagine you guys in high school. Sometimes it't hard to be out when you're concerned about people that really don't matter. Reputation is important when you're younger and being gay or associated with someone who is makes it hard to get along. The sooner you understand that, the better off you'll be in your relationship.
     
  5. AAASAS

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    I was in the exact spot well not exact, but was in the closet dating a guy that really wanted me to come out.

    More than likely my friends will not take it well and I am more likely to lose the which is why I never wanted to come out. It is not valuing "straight" peoples opinions more, it is valuing people you have relationships with opinions more.

    It is easy to say that if someone doesn't like you because your gay then fuck them, especially when someone isn't in a friendship with several people that may have that attitude. It is like having family that you know wont or may not accept you. It isn't that easy to just have a fuck them attitude, especially when you actually care about these people. Now it may seem insane to care about someones opinions who may not reciprocate those back towards you if you came out, but it makes sense.

    I was friends with my buddies before I met my boyfriend, they have been in my life for 10 years plus, and though I still cared about my boyfriend, my friends were and still are extremely important to me.

    It isn't right of your boyfriend to string you along, if he isn't willing to come out, and you don't want to make the relationship work, then the best thing you can do is end it. That is what I did, I was sick of being pressured into telling people, and my boyfriend was extremely resentful that I didn't make much progress. That attitude is what killed it.

    He wasn't willing to respect my feelings towards people in my life that were important,and thought just because we were dating that he comes before others. I don't place people in orders, but I do value all my relationships, so if one means possibly ruining others than it may not be worth it.

    Think about how your boyfriend feels. Not everyone has an easy time or "easier" time accepting being gay, I know I am going to be told that everyone has a hard time, but this is clearly not the case when some people can't come out and others can. Some peoples minds and brains and paradigms just conflict with coming out, and it takes longer to do so.

    You have to be willing to be and supportive in a relationship like this. No one is forcing you to do it, and if you care about the guy that should be enough. He isn't coming out because of you, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.
     
  6. Farouche

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    I disagree, reputation merely seems important when you're in high school.

    Anyway, I'd say you should have a plan to both be openly gay eventually. If your boyfriend isn't there yet, that's okay, but if he's not even working on it, then he's not ready for a relationship.
     
  7. Joey4

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    That's what I said. Reputation is important -- when you're in high school. That's why its a high school age problem. When this dude is old enough not to care, he won't be ashamed of himself and the people that really matter. But right now, fitting in is important.
     
  8. justinf

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    I might have a somewhat different view on this than other people do, because I am very closeted myself and have a boyfriend who is out to everyone.

    Let me start by saying it is definitely not unfair of you to pressure him, after all it is a relationship and it is more than understandable you want people to know.

    However, as someone in that position myself, I can tell you that your boyfriend does love you, and probably finds this just as hard as you.
    I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I'd be devastated if things didn't work out due to me being not out, but at the same time I just don't see coming out as an option, at least not yet. It has nothing to do with how I feel about him, and I'm sure that goes for your boyfriend as well.
     
  9. Revan

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    I feel as though while some people are getting the story they're missing some aspects and I hope joey7630 you can clarify it for me.

    First off you said your boyfriend has lost friends from coming out, which of course is unfortunate but I'm assuming you've been supportive when that's happened which is good.

    Second, do you know your bf's gay mate quite well?

    I'm also curious as to why your boyfriend thinks himself being gay automatically means his friend is gay by association...is it because your bf and his friend are often together when they hang with the mate's friends? (This would be a lot easier to keep track for the readers of this post if I had names, but oh well)

    I am curious why it's important to you for him to be open. I'm not saying he should be in the closet, but tell me, do you hang out with his mate's friends? If not, then why should it matter? I mean what about them makes you want to hang out with them, or is it just to be with your bf because if that's the case...why is it important to you to be with your bf in this case? Every couple needs space, and just because he hangs out with these guys doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. Now if he's spending a lot of time with them and away from you then yeah, I can understand. But if it's just a small amount a day or two a week, even three, I'm just not sure why it matters? I understand you want your bf to be proud of himself but for now I think you should leave it unless you really want to hang out with these guys.
     
  10. joey7630

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    HEY EVERYONE! wow didnt expect so many replies, cheers guys haha.

    my bf name is luke, his mate is paul who is also gay, they went out together for a while about 10 years ago. for me i had a pretty easy coming out, family, work etc didnt care, lost some ''friends'' along the way but i can easily separate people i want in my life and people who are small minded.

    in relation to hanging around with these guys that are mates of paul, for me i genuinely find it hurts that he doesnt want me there and tell them proudly this is my partner. now maybe its because im outa closet 10 years and hes only recently stepped out which in fairness he has made good progress in the last 2 years, prior to which he was totally closeted except to his parents.

    the problem im dealing with is am i being too hard on him? am i being selfish and should i let him find his own way by one day introducing me to these people in his time?
    id like to have the option myself to make up my own mind if i wana hang out with this group, instead of being told 'you cant come'

    cheers guys!!
     
  11. Mirko

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    Hi there! Well, having your own friends, and doing some social activities separately from each other, is part of a healthy relationship.

    That said, your boyfriend should not make you feel as if you are not welcome. Having different friends and meeting them separately is one thing, but you two should also be able to talk about it to some extent; being honest with each other about your respective friendships.

    I don't think you are being selfish or being too hard on him, by trying to get some answers. I mean there is a reason why you feel hurt, and why you feel that this is starting to have an impact on your relationship.

    When he tells you, 'you can't come,' is there a reason that he gives you for telling/asking you this?