New here...lost in life.

Hi, welcome to EC!

You've come to the right place and I'll try to help you, so bare with me as I find myself in your shoes often, some days are good while others are bad. I went through a destructive phase of drinking and partying a lot. It was completely unhealthy and I still haven't found what I was looking for at the bottom of every vodka bottle that I finished. I used drinking as a means to cope because I hated myself. I didn't want to be ”different” or anything other than normal, but what is normal? I've discovered that liking the same sex is pretty natural for me; therefore, it's normal for me to be attracted to women. I have been all my life, but I tried to change that and it obviously did not work. And I've been dealing with this all my life.

I've known that I was gay since I was 19, but I couldn't accept it; it's been one of my biggest regrets. You cannot run away from your feelings, so you're gonna have to face them. Believe me, I denied my feelings for women for years, but even after all these years, I'm still gay. If you do not, your feelings will only get stronger--or at least that's what happened to me. I truly think that you should embrace your feelings, I know it's not easy, but it gets better. I can personally attest to that, I've made some major progress within the past year. So, things have improved for me because I finally accepted who I am. And if I can do it then so can you, you don't have to break up with your girlfriend and you don't have to come out to her just yet. I think she'll be supportive in helping you figure out your feelings, but she may be hurt as well if you hide this from her.

 

I am in the same situation: I am bi/gay, and my girlfriend doesn't know. But either way, it is possible to make it through this! Everyone might have these feelings at some point-- I know I did-- so it's only natural to be uncomfortable.

Good luck!

 

Running away from it while it may seem easier right now will in the end take you to a bad place. The longer you run from it or deny it the worse the feelings are going to get. Not everything in life is easy i know i've been to hell and back a few times it seems. It will eventually get better. You say your family is super conservative but most all of my friends were as well. Hell i still consider myself a conservative even with the gay thing. For some reason people think that you can't be gay or bi and still be conservative or have faith in god or your country and like guns and that kind of stuff. I'm not sure why that is, but it's not true at least for me it's not. I'm just saying give it some time and work on becoming ok with it yourself first and then worry about others. They may be more acepting than you think at least people were for me. Even people that hated gays took it very well when i told them. I think they saw that i was still the same person and nothing else had changed.

 

As a bisexual individual myself (I think), I can relate to your situation. Setting aside familial and societal norms and expectations, I think it begins with self-acceptance. Acknowledging that you have those feelings and that those feelings are a part of you (not seeing them in terms of (ab)normality, whatever that is). I know it's hard (I'm still figuring myself out) but once you accept yourself (and I can't guarantee when that would happen, time is your friend so take your time), you'll see that what matters at the end of the day is yourself and your happiness (so societal norms should not matter). I think my point is: Be a friend to yourself, don't be so critical and harsh to yourself, again befriend yourself and you'll see that inner happiness is upon your reach.

 

Ok, since this is not going to go away, and you feel horrible about it and never want anyone (that is in your current circle) to know. I suggest you plan a move to another city, somewhere out of state. far enough away that no one will just happen to be in the neighborhood and drop in on you.

Use the excuse of a job search or new job offer. You need to start fresh with new place and new friends. And if you could live alone at first, this would be a way to get comfortable with yourself, and not have to deal with anyone else but you.

The good news is that it is getting easier for gay men to be gay, and accepted in all work fields. There are many gay men who do not announce it, and do not appear gay at all. Yet they are not in the closet either. They are just them.

You are at a perfect age to start over in a new place. That is what has traditionally been done when guys are in a bad situation and must get away because they cannot be accepted where they currently are.

Take care of you first, and know that you are not alone, many many guys at all ages, and in all work fields are in the same boat, and that they can find happiness. 24 is very young. Reinvent your life before you get too old. There are tons of stories of men who waited until their 40s and 50s to find a happy place. Get your happiness sooner than that, you deserve it.

PS Keeping your mind on something else, like a move to another city would be a good thing in the short run. Just to keep you upbeat and not focused on your current frustrations.

 

Just give it some time and don't rush things. everybody has to come to terms with things in their own time. You'll get there eventually. I'm sorry for how you feel cause i know very well where you are right now. Sorry i don't have a better answer for you.

 

I think I am in a similar stage as you - trying to make the unhappiness go away. I went to a wedding recently, and felt absolutely depressed after thinking I'd never have an event like this for me, with joyous family and friends. I get overwhelmingly sad sometimes thinking about the time that has passed, and the love I've never shared. I know I want to be happy, I know I deserve a love in my life, and it hurts to think I am depriving myself to fit someone else's definition of normal and acceptable. Keeping faith that soon I will pass these obstacles and find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with soothes my spirit. I suggest you start imagining a future you (YOU) want, and apply the imagery, emotion to your current state. I often imagine family meals with relatives, with no one weirded out when I lean over to kiss my boyfriend/husband. I imagine our wedding, and think of the support and love I feel from my loved ones. I imagine being someone's other half, and him mine, and knowing I will never be alone again. Because I found him, he is my echo, and I his, in this world. I encourage you to imagine happy thoughts about your future. Running will get you nowhere; only time will pass.

 

Hello. I have been openly bisexual since I was 15. Ever since I was 5 years old I knew I had stronger feelings towards girls than boys. I was taught that it was wrong. When I was 11 my then best friend stayed the night and we got curious and she ended up giving me a hickey. My mother forbade me to see her for an entire year. I am now a questioning lesbian. The thing is that I have a boyfriend. I love who he is but I'm not attracted to guys. I'm accepting myself for this but I'm afraid to tell him. We've been on and off for two years now and I just don't know what to do. We used to be sexually active because we were both virgins at the time and I trusted him. I then found out that I didn't enjoy it. We broke up and I've been with another guy and it was the same. No attraction at all. I guess I was just trying to convince myself I liked guys. The truth is I'm extremely attracted to girls. I just don't know what to do.

 

Are you attracted to men and women in the same level? Most bi-sexual people seems natural to have some leaning towards one gender.

As I understand, that you don't like your priority to be same-sex and fear you'd have to let go your girlfriend, is what could have resulted what you experience now. Also what you go through could be a result of, just curiosity to know more about that side of your sexuality or that it's trying to fight back its way to surface as it had always being underneath. Despite of your acceptance or denial, as your sexuality will remain in you always, I think, you should try to understand your preferences in genders before anything else. Because, as your preference could still revealed to be women and you could remain to be what you want your life to be. However, all those/new problems could be better solved if you could realize and accept the truth about you, ignoring all other beliefs you've learned from your bringing up and the facts that you're conservative.

Anyway, I think, even if you prefer men, if you do prefer your relationship with your girlfriend more than that attraction, it seems to not matter whatever gender you like more as you are bi-sexual. But if your current relationship is not enough to be so, imo you should always consider everything else before making any solid decision that could effect your happiness.

 

With my understanding of likings, there are more to it than just a person's sexuality, as there are also attractions like romantic, aesthetic. Those could also play some role when you look at or being interested in a gender as you describe. But only if you've got sexual attraction to men, then it would effect your sexual orientation.

If you do have it and, hate it or not, or accept it or not, but being worried about it won't help you in the least way. Self hatred is the worst enemy one could ever claim to have. So try to understand how your conservative being happened to occur and exist and if there are other factors that fuel those self destructive ways . And try to see if it is really your fault that your real self doesn't fit in to what you or others want you to be. Or is it just those people who created them, had not considered others could happen to exist bc they them selves could never understand such things.

I live in a very conservative society but in a different culture than yours. Despite of where we are, we obviously didn't bring our beliefs when we came to this life. All those and others that affect us, are ones we were taught later by our society, ie. by parents, teachers, religion, culture,... like that. They teach us bc they hold those as their own. And we adhere to those bc we believe them to be true or that those can effect us.

But what if we didn't trust those from the beginning or what if we started to question without blindly sticking to them and grasped only what could logically be true ? All the upbringing and beliefs are good as hell until we have faith on them, but what when we start to question? would they last after that? why shouldn't they, if they are truths. Why don't everyone get bold and question them? If they are really true what damage could it cause to them? They should be more stable bc we've worked out them to be true our selves, so we know it by heart to be true. Are all those things, you've learned in your upbringing, true and curate?

Anyway there is one truth you're seeing now, that you can have feelings for men. They can be of anything, but still they had really occured. Do your society say it can? or is it sin? why?

If you don't let yourself see the reality as it really is, you'd always be sticking to something someone else want you to believe about everything, that could be true or could be something rather different.

And I don't see why you should forget your girlfriend to accept your gender preference. I realized mine without anyone, but I can't say that would work for everyone. However I've seen that if I've had analyzed a lot of small things that my mind had been trying to tell me, I may have realized it a decade ago. There are lot of things we miss bc of ignorance or lack of knowledge.

As you're OK with others' sexuality even with your upbringing, I think you're a lot open minded person. But it's no wonder having qualms with your own sexuality when you'd have to deal with your society, something that you don't have to worry about when it is with others.