I am an eighteen year old male who is struggling with determining what his sexual orientation is. I am attracted to both guys and girls. (I would consider myself a 4/4.5 on the Kinsey scale.) I've been working my job at Kmart for a little over a month now. My second week on the job, I met a really cool guy who was a cashier. Totally my type; a "cub", gorgeous blue eyes, scruffy face, a little on the nerdy side, has a bad ass tattoo on his right forearm. I was instantly attracted to him the first time I laid eyes on him. The first time we actually talked was my first day of training on the registers. I ended up making a huge mess by knocking off a 2-liter of Pepsi, he came over to asked me what happened. After this, I felt like I caught him staring at me a lot. Granted, my eyes were always glued on him anytime he was around me. So, I always felt as if he was just catching me in the act. He came over to talked to me and helped me out with stuff the next time I was on the register, which happened to be beside the one he was on. He started the conversation any chance he had. But, I just assumed it was me reading more into it than I should. But, one Friday I had off, I went to get some pet supplies. (My friend gave me a kitten, irrelevant to this somewhat.) I assume he was on his lunch or break and was sitting outside on the bench that he always sat at. Without being obvious, I glared over to him while pulling into the parking lot any chance I had. He, however, was being a tad more obvious. He was looking at me, appeared to be smiling. Got up and walked towards the store slow enough so that he and I would have to walk in at the same time. "Hey," I said. He replied the same. I went, gathered everything I needed, and after some peer pressuring from a friend the night prior over a Facebook message, I decided to go through his line. I did. We talked. He asked me to help him out by applying for a Sears card, I told him no. (Ha.) We discussed Warped Tour, since I was wearing my shirt. He nervously dropped my litter box. It was cute. I told him bye, and went on my way. The next time I was on register, he came over and attempted to talk to me but didn't get to due to a customer coming to his register. Then, when another coworker came through his line, I heard him say this would be his last pay check because Saturday would be his last day. I was pretty devastated. My day went downhill pretty fast after that. I thought he was moving to a different register, so I went to the one he was on to clock out. Turns out, he had just stepped away. It wasn't working right, so he attempted to help me. "Why didn't you just go to different register?" he asked. It was slightly flirtatious, in a way. "I don't know," I told him. "I've had a shitty day and I just want to go home." Saturday came, I didn't get the chance to talk to him. I've had a pretty shitty life in the last few months, so I really felt like someone jerked the rug out from under me when this happened. Because I felt like something was going to work out for me, for once. Since then, I have added him on Facebook. We don't talk. One thing I've forgotten to mention? He has a girlfriend. Though, there's a post on the Topix forum of the town he's from someone had made, asking if he's gay. The post is two years old, from when he was in high school. On his Facebook page, his "Interested In" is hidden. I've talked to a friend who's boyfriend is from the town that he is from; he says he thinks he's bisexual. His Facebook likes are pretty pro-LGBT, he makes a few posts about marriage equality and such. I'm still in the closet with most people, though my sexuality seems to always be a discussion topic among others. My fellow co-workers at my current job and past jobs. I was harassed about it through out school since 6th grade. I'm just looking for what you all take from it. Am I reading more into it than I should? Could he interested? Should I try to talk to him some? I'm looking for advice, I don't have many people in the small community I live in to talk to that can help me with any LGBT-related topics. At least, not any LGBT people I feel comfortable talking to. So, any input is appreciated.
Welcome to EC! The thing to keep in mind here is that while you're providing us with a story, we're ultimately only getting one side of it, and it might be tinted a bit with rose-coloured glasses. It does sound like he could be into guys and could be into you, but again, nobody can know for sure unless he outright says he is. But the bottom line is: if he (says he) has a girlfriend, then he's not available, regardless of his sexuality. If you're still curious to know where he stands, particularly since he seems rather pro-LGBT, I'd start by coming out to him. It lets him know that you trust him enough to tell him. It also gives him the opportunity to come out to you if he is not straight. And if he happens to be interested in you (barring the fact he has a girlfriend), he now knows you're playing for his team and on the market.
I don't recommend coming out to him. There are other, more covert ways of finding out his sexuality instead of declaring yours to him. I recommend asking him to hang out. He could be gay or bi but you could scare him off by telling him you're bi. If you hang out with him, subtly flirt with him and see how he responds. In these is-he-or-isn't-he situations, it's best to be subtle and a bit calculating. Believe me, I'm the closet case whisperer.
I understand that he's in a relationship. I'm not one to overstep my boundaries. But, I just feel like he was being too friendly with me -- most guys usually aren't in the area we're in. Again, which doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm the kind of person who tries to avoid situations like this, and having feelings for people in general. But, as for "coming out to him," I would have to find a way to spark up conversation to do so. And even then, work my way to that. I don't want to just message him and just say "Hey, I'm bisexual." It took me three weeks to build up the nerve to send him a friend request. I'm not even sure how to spark up a conversation without making it seem so obvious, because I know I've had to be overly obvious with all the staring. If anything, I would settle for a friendship with him just being a straight ally -- if that's all he happens to be. ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2012 at 10:20 AM ---------- That could work. He does have that tattoo, and I am wanting to get a tattoo and my nose pierced soon. I'll consider that, haha.
You could start by fishing around to see his stance on LGBT topics, just to help ease your nerves that he wouldn't be accepting. Beyond that though, if you do end up coming out to him, there's a couple main ways to go about it: 1) Try and nonchalantly slide it into conversation. 2) Outright pull him aside and tell him. I don't know how comfortable you are with your sexuality, but even now when I consider myself pretty comfortable with mine, I have difficulty just sliding it into conversation. By pulling him aside, you also remove any possible ambiguity in your statement. Anyways though, that's all just if you decide you do want to come out to him. With all due respect, I disagree with this suggestion. Yes, there are other ways of finding out someone's sexuality beyond telling them yours, but by coming out to him first you establish a few things: 1) You're comfortable with your sexuality, even around a relatively new friend 2) You're comfortable with other people's sexualities, in case he feels a need to declare his 3) You let him know whose team you're playing for, should he be interested Now, if you go about it by not outright telling him and trying to figure out in other ways, it gets messier. There's a large amount of uncertainty in whether or not he is into guys and whether or not he is into you. You can go around doing the guesswork if you want, but being upfront about the whole situation will save you a lot of pain in the long run, no matter how you spin it. And this last bit is just my personal opinion, but I believe the idea of having both parties closeted and trying to figure out the other person's sexuality a bit silly. Actually, barring some extenuating circumstances (i.e. being in an extremely homophobic area), it's almost a bit selfish. You're telling this other person "hey, yeah, I'm interested in you, but you're not worth the effort of me being honest with you either". That logic is a bit backwards, don't you think?
I understand what you're saying but it's not like the OP is friends with this guy. From what I gather, he doesn't work with the OP anymore and they don't really communicate with each other on FB. There needs to be a starting point, like communicating more and hanging out with each other. If the OP asks him to hang out and this first time they do and he says "Hey, btw I'm bisexual" it could be really awkward and it could backfire. I think you're expecting a bit too much too soon from the OP. He needs to get to know the guy first before he let's him know he's bi and interested in him. Besides, the guy has a girlfriend and in situations like that it's best to be cautious. Wouldn't want a jealous gf trying to beat him up for hitting on her man lol.
^ I didn't say he had to come out to him right away, I said that it's a better idea (IMO) to do it outright rather than fishing for hints or clues to tell you what his sexuality is. There's also the possibility (and one I'd suggest) that he doesn't come out and confess his feelings all at the same time. Doing so will probably not lead to anything good, as you've said. In which case, if they don't work together and aren't really friends, it's probably best to be developing a friendship before anything else - relationship or otherwise. That still doesn't mean he has to address either of their sexualities that early in the game. For me, it's not an issue of timeline as it is an issue of method.
It is always going to be tough going when both guys are 1/2 or more closeted and won't make the first real move out of fear of rejection or fear of losing a friend. But since the friendship has not even arrived yet, there is little to lose really. I have found that letting a bit of my gay side show (when I am available) in subtle ways opens up more possibilities. Staying hidden (closet) closes up possibilities. And being rejected is not as bad as chasing a dead end dream for 6 months or a year, unless one likes fantasies that do not pan out.
I really appreciate all of the feedback I've been getting from you guys; it's been very helpful. Like I said, I'm still in the closet with most people. I'm still in that process of being comfortable with my sexuality. I mean, I would definitely have to build up a friendship with him to know how he would react/respond to it before I could tell him. I mean, yes; I want to be upfront with him about it. That way, if he is also bi, we both can feel comfortable with putting it out in the open. I don't plan on letting him know that I have feelings for him anytime soon because: He does have a girlfriend. They've been dating since anytime between May and July. Like I said, I'm not going to cross those lines. If anything, THAT will make things messy. I don't really know him that well. With talking to him, I might find we aren't as compatible as I had hoped we were. But, my main problem now is building up the courage to talk to him. I assume he already suspects, because most people do. I worry about being too obvious, because again, I don't to overstep my boundaries and I don't want to make it a messy, awkward situation. I'm an awkward person as it is, add feelings to the equation and I'm even more awkward. Yes, I'm not so far in deep that I would be absolutely heartbroken if he did reject me right off the bat. But,... who honestly wants to be rejected? I don't like getting this way over people, and I have with him. I think about him nonstop from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep. I subconsciously fantasize about him, which is something I'm not prone to do. (Not just sexually, but just him and I being in a relationship and doing couple-y things together.) I already have this emotional attachment to the "what if" of it all, and I'm honestly scared of the direction it can go in. Even if he does happen to be interested, I've never been in another relationship with a man. It's territory I've never been in and that terrifies me.
