Hi everyone. Errrm well im thinking of having a gay sexual experience. Im currently in a striaght relationship of 4 years we live together and are in love. But i just cant stop thinking about what it would be like. I dont think im gay or even bi? I just want to give it a go but not sure its worth the risk. And i wouldnt even know where to begin too look or anything lol. Any advice please? Sorry if anyone is offended with this post!
Welcome to EC. The main piece of advice I have is that if you're in a relationship, you're in a relationship and you shouldn't be looking for external affairs. If this is something you really want to do, then you need to weigh whether or not your relationship is worth it. Are you sexually attracted to men? Do you watch porn, for example? The other thing is that if you do want to experiment with a guy (as it would be for anyone), you need to make sure both parties are very clear that it is nothing beyond no-strings-attached sex. Sex obviously has the potential to toy with people's emotions, so be open and honest in communicating with the other person.
It's funny you say the ladder here when earlier this was my point about the whole bi thing! Emotions come up when there's sex. This guy here is not bisexual in my opinion, he just wants to hook up with a guy, he's curious. I prefer the term bi curious then. Fits better. I think everything Budder told you is right though. Think about your relationship. If it's a good one and free flowing one, you might be able to even tell your girl about what's going on (I realize that doesn't happen often where they approve, just a thought) The only risk involve is the person you love losing faith in you, it's hard to achieve and really easy to lose.
The best option would be a bath house, or spa where men are very friendly to each other, and all leave with no further expectations. It is not uncommon for guys to give each other hand jobs only, or oral, and nothing more. You can be as safe as you like, and there is no emotions to deal with from another person. In the city I live in, there are straight spas, that are not totally straight. And then there are bath houses that advertise in gay press, and their websites tell it all, all gay. You could visit one of these places and work out, get some relaxation in the steam room, and go home with a new experience behind you. No strings attached at all.
I'd strongly recommend against doing this. Admittedly, I don't know a whole lot about bath houses, but I do know most gay people don't even like them. I can imagine someone who doesn't identify as bisexual or gay, and is just curious, will be taken a little off guard by seeing I don't know how many naked or near naked men groping at each other and at him. Not to mention the amount of STIs. If -- and I'd like to mention again that you don't do this if you're in a relationship! -- you decide to experiment with someone, I'd suggest you do it in a normal bedroom, with only you and him present, which I imagine is a much much more comfortable setting.
Lol or in a car. There are apps available on smart phones to help you find other curious guys. Just download an app and say that you're curious. It'll show you guys that are local and you get to choose what you think your "type" is if you decide to do this.
Sorry, but I very strongly disagree with this. A bathhouse is about the last place I'd recommend someone go who is just curious and/or inexperienced, for a whole variety of reasons. But putting that aside, there are some more important issues: First, if you're in a relationship, and you care at all about the relationship, then integrity is really important. How do you think your partner would you feel about you going off and hooking up with some guy? How would you feel in her shoes? So the first and most important thing is that you honor your commitment to her. So, as difficult as it is, I would suggest that your best options, if authenticity and personal integrity has any importance to you, are to first think about the ramifications of what you're thinking and feeling. If you haven't already, you need to explore a bit without involving someone else. You can get a very clear idea of where your sexual orientation lies *before* moving to the stage of "testing the hypothesis." Watch some gay porn and see how you respond to it. Masturbate (without porn) and think about guys and see how that affects you, and then compare that to masturbating while thinking about girls. Pay attention when you're out wandering around and see where your eyes go when you aren't really paying attention. Is it guys or girls that you find your eyes checking out more often? These are some ways that you can start getting more clarity on where you really stand. Then (and, in my opinion, only then), after you have some idea of where your orientation lies, you address the thornier issues. If you do find that you're strongly attracted to guys, then you owe it to your partner to have an honest conversation with her. You can tell her you don't know, that you're questioning, that you have doubts... whatever it is... but as I said above, if you really love her as you say you do, then lying to her (and having a hookup and not telling her *is* lying) is not what you do to someone you care about. So you could ask permission to try something with someone... or you could just put it all out there and talk about it and see where it leads. The problem is, many guys are self-centered assholes and want to have their cake and eat it too... they want to go and experiment, not tell their wife, maybe hook up occasionally on the side. But that's not OK. Not if your relationship is supposed to mean anything. And integrity and authenticity has a cost, and the cost is... you have to share with your partner if you're feeling something like this. Maybe it will damage or terminate the relationship... but if you follow some of the suggestions above, you'll already have a really good idea if you're bi or gay, and how strong your attraction to guys is, and presumably, you wouldn't even be taking it further to try it out if you weren't already pretty sure you're into guys. So at that point, it really isn't fair to keep up a relationship with your partner if you're really more into guys than girls. I know that this isn't what you want to hear, or even the direct answer to your question, but I think it's important to think about. Finally, on the bathhouse idea... No. Just no. For one thing, if you're looking to feel a connection rather than to just ejaculate, you won't get that at a bathhouse. Bathhouses are for people who are essentially numb and disconnected from their emotions, who view sex as simply a recreational activity, and want to have orgasms with no strings attached. If you're trying to figure yourself out, that isn't going to help you. Additionally, people who frequent bathhouses (or hookup sites, or Craigslist, or any other casual sex hookup locations) are, generally, very promiscuous, which means they are at much higher risk for STIs. Especially if you are in a relationship, that's a terrible idea. Further, it can be pretty intense and intimidating to go into that environment (depending on the bathhouse) and it's easy to get involved in more than you intended. Finally, it's also opening a door to a very emotionally unhealthy environment for you. So if, after all this, you do want to pursue something and really explore, then the way to do it is to involve your emotions as well, and that means cultivating more than a hookup... if you want any meaningful answers that is. But that's another chapter for after you address the first issues. If you would find it helpful to talk more one-on-one for further info or input, feel free to PM me, or any of the other advisor staff.
