Guys, so I've realised why I've become so confused about my sexuality. Really, I'm lesbian. I am so lesbian. The reason why I couldn't come to terms with that is because the only people I am compatible with personality-wise, even for friendships, usually, are girls. And for some reason, all the close friends I've kept after moving to university, I'm attracted to. For fuck's sake. I feel a weird attraction with two of my closest girl friends, and I'm not sure why, maybe because I've been lacking confidence or whatever, the only types of friendships I've been able to maintain are those! I have very few friends with whom I have no underlying feelings with. As ridiculous as it sounds. I guess at first, many years back, I didn't get what was going on, but now I realise it even in making new friends. I always think they're attractive, first and foremost. And I think really it's just because they're girls, and the only people that are close to me. I want to come out to people! I really do, but I'm scared, and just want to come out to someone who'll accept it and treat me normally and make me feel okay. Is that too much to ask?
No, that isn't too much to ask. The hard part is already done and past you. You're a lesbian. You found a label you're comfortable with. You know who you are. Now you just have to vocalize it. Seriously, all you have to do is pick up your phone and text someone and say, "Hey, I really have to tell you something. Get in my life. It's important." And then when they do get in your life and you're sitting there with them, just tell them. You're gay. Or if you don't think you can do it face-to-face. Call them, or text them, or send them an e-mail or a message on Facebook or leave them a note. Whatever it takes to tell them. Once you get the ball rolling, it's so much easier, and it will only get easier from then on out. It'll be really freaking scary at first, but if they're truly friends, then they'll stand by you and support you. And if not, once you're out, people that will support you will naturally gravitate towards you. One thing I wouldn't do though, is tell them that you're attracted to them, at least not right away. Save that conversation for some nebulous time down the road. You have nothing to gain from it if they're straight. Even if they ask you point-blank, I wouldn't say anything about it. ..and I also think that once you're out and you're meeting bonified lesbians, your attraction to your straight friends will start to fade away and be a cute "wouldn't it be cool if..." fantasy but nothing more than that. Just my .2 cents.
Thanks so much for your reply. The problem for me is often when I think about coming out to the people I know, I always think that they'll ask: "Why?" And I'll die inside. If it was scary having to say I might be gay, it'll be petrifying having to explain that most of the females they've seen me hang out with, and maybe even them themselves, have made me realise it. I just... I dunno. I feel so embarrassed. There're a few gay groups on at my university that I've been too scared of up until now, probably missed all the meet n greets... but should I try to make some gay friends there first? I just. I feel really alone in it.
What do you mean why? Like, "Why are you coming out to me?" Or, "How do you know you're gay?" Because both of those questions are probably going to come up indirectly, at the very least. You're gay because you were born that way. And you're coming out to them because you really value their friendship, and you love them (platonically) and you're tired of living a lie and you just want to be yourself. And you can totally still go to the GSA meetings on your campus. People aren't going to be there to judge you. Just go. You'll probably be asked to introduce yourself and just be honest with them when you do. Seriously, don't sweat it. These are people who have been there for you in the past, who enjoy your time, company and opinions, your friends. And the people at the GSA are there either because they're just like you, or they want to help people just like you. Nothing to be afraid of. ^_^
This is great. If you don't mind, I'm gonna keep posting up questions that have been on my mind recently. My counsellor isn't available til Tuesday next week, but if I can just discuss my issues with somebody maybe I won't even need him for that much longer! I'm so anxious about coming out though. I just want to wait until I'm more comfortable about it. :icon_redf I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make it sound more reasonable. I don't know how to bring it up. I was chatting to my friend all day today, trying to come out. And I just didn't. It just wouldn't come out. I couldn't just say, "hey, you know why I've been so distant and preoccupied this whole time? It's because I'm a lesbian." I just, I don't feel like it'd clear things up, but just make things cloudier. I think it'd make her feel like I'd been hiding this from her this whole time, that the last time she directly asked me if I was gay, I lied about it. I can't see past it. It's so awkward and heavy.
To me, it sounds like they already know that you're a lesbian. If you don't think you're ready to come out now, you can wait. But I think you're making things way worse than they really are. You don't have to make a big speech or a big explanation explaining everything you've been through. You just have to say three words: I'm a lesbian. And then take their questions, if they have any which I'm sure they will, one at a time. If you're not comfortable answering some of them, just say so. They aren't going to be offended. If anything, I think they'll probably feel more anxiety over it than you, because your friends probably won't know exactly what you're going through, but want to give you the best advice and comfort they can but don't know how. Look, it's going to be awkward and scary at first. Anyone on EC will vouch for that, myself included. But you aren't getting any younger. The longer you wait, the more awkward and scary it's going to get, because you'll have built it up in your mind as some Earth-shattering event when it really isn't all that bad. Do it like a band-aid. Just tear it right off and get it over with.
You've done a great job already in coming out to yourself. I think it is totally natural to feel afraid about coming out. It is so annoying to have to go through it so many times. Take your time and lots of deep breaths. You will know when you are ready to do it because you will feel compelled and SOMEHOW get your words out/ or compose and email/letter or whatever. There is no set or recommended time-frame. Whatever works for you. I've just turned 35 and I truly came out for the first time only six months ago. This weekend I came out to friends number 6, 7 and 8 and I am no where near telling my family. It is different for everyone though. Best of luck on your journey!
Right, well I came out to my close friend today. At first it felt really awkward and clichéd, and I didn't own it... that upset me. But my friend accepted me, and even told me she was bi herself! It was a really good turn of events, and I'm so glad I did it. I only regret that I hadn't done it sooner. I now know that had I just been honest about my feelings to myself and those around me, in the moment, when I felt them, as nobody I know is that violently homophobic, it would've been good for me. I wouldn't have gone through these 18 months of depression. It damn near killed me. Thanks so much for your help guys. I know this is just the beginning, but it's a revelation of a feeling.
