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Win win?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sscott, Nov 18, 2012.

  1. sscott

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    Okay, so this is the stereotypical I have a crush post. However, I am seeking to end it completely. I have been crushing on this guy for two years now, and I don't have the courage to express my feelings what so ever. I am not sure of the guy's orientation. He seems gay, but it's so hard to tell. And he is really flirty, but I think thats just his personality. We are good friends I would say, but he doesn't know I am gay. Do you think telling him I am gay would help me move on? I think that's the only way I would get a reaction out if him. Either he would express his feelings or accept my statement and not care. Honestly, I don't think he'd care. He always brings up topics such as gay marriage, etc and how they shouldn't even be a problem. So I guess it would be a win win? Do you guys have any advice for how to go about this? Or how to move on more efficiently? I am just kind of lost.
     
  2. BudderMC

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    The way I see it, here's what coming out to him does:

    1) It tells him that you're into guys
    2) It tells him that you trust him to some degree
    3) It tells him that you're accepting of LGBT people

    1) is significant because if he happens to be into guys and is actually flirting with you, then it gives him another sliver of hope that you could reciprocate those feelings. 2) is significant because trust in a friendship is near-always strengthening. 3) is significant because if he is into guys, that knowledge that you're a good person to talk to might be enough for him to come out to you at some point in time.

    The thing with coming out to him in hopes you can figure out where he stands is that there's no guarantee that he'll give you an answer right then and there. And if he doesn't give you an answer, you may be left wondering if he actually is into guys or not, in which case you might need to ask him in the future.

    That said, I think coming out to him is a good idea (because coming out to people is usually a good thing, especially if they're accepting), but I don't think it's the solution you're looking for if you want to get over him. In general, getting over crushes requires:

    1) Time
    2) Distance
    3) Distraction

    I don't know if you're in school or how frequently you spend time with him, so time and distance may not be options. Even if you are close, you could always explain to him that you just need some time away for your own well-being (though that may be difficult to do if you aren't out to him). Distraction though you can near-always do. Either find another guy to crush on, or keep yourself so occupied with other things in your life you can't be bothered to think about him.

    Hope that helps some.
     
  3. scott2232

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    Welp, I guess this is like ripping off a bandaid. My wound could be left to fester or it might heal. I guess I'll have to risk it.
     
  4. yes

    yes
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    yeah i'd say risk it! if you're lucky he'll make a move once he knows... or you'll dare to do so yourself.
    otherwise, it'll atleast probably help you get over him once you've told him and can think to yourself that there's nothing more you can do. good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. scott2232

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    Thanks! And do you think I should do it in person or in text?
     
  6. yes

    yes
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    in person, definitely! when texting you miss all the important stuff like body language, facial expression, tone of voice etc and the guy can also think for a while before he replies - in real life it'll be easier for you really see what his reaction is... also i think you'll come across as more serious about it if you ask him face to face.
    best of luck!