Ok, I feel like I need to get this off my chest please don’t judge me. Let me get few things straight first: I AM A GUY AND I AM GAY. SO now.. this all started about 2 years ago. My home girls and I always joked about this really really hot guy who we knew (well everyone knew him) because he is part of a gang (a really dangerous gang). It’s like we went to look for trouble; so we always tried flirting with them (him). We were like the only outsiders who knew about their “circle”, because they would always flirt back with my girlfriends and stuff. And this guy (the really hot one) I am talking about seemed to be some kind of authority figure in their circle. He would always give us rides to places and sometimes he would even wink at me and even whistled at me (stuff I always rolled my eyes to). But deep down it felt like I was in heaven, even when he would do little immature things like that. I started to get to know him better, because my GFs would always be at school and stuff and he would always ask me where they were. I would always joke around with him and say, “why you asking about them when I am here huh”? He would always respond back with flirty things like, “Yea, you’re right”. The situation got to the point where he would just give me like 300 dollars randomly to spend on materialistic things (he knew I loved shopping and stuff). I was always reluctant to take his money and asked him to stop what he was doing because I would be in debt to him for the rest of my life, to which he would respond; “I want you to be in debt to me for the rest of your life”. And he had this smile that would do things to me beyond my understanding. So one day, he just got really intimate with me and started to kiss me in the car… it felt so right and I don’t even know what I whispered in his ears (probably something along the lines of how I wanted to have sex with him) because at that instant he took me Hyatt in DTLA and checked out a room. The instant he shut the door behind us, he picked me up and pushed me against the wall and started to kiss me like an animal, my body felt weak and helpless, almost as if it had surrendered to him. The feelings I felt for him…the lust I had for him… the burning agony of wanting him washed over me and I let him do everything and anything to me. Just the thought of it now sends shivers up my spine. The intensity in his eyes, the warmth of his body pressed on me and the way his hands held me down and the way he asked me to beg for him. That night I jokingly told him if he wasn’t gentle with me I’d slap him…to which he responded “come on do it”. So I grabbed his ear and slapped him, he told me that I had no idea how lucky I was, because I was the first person to ever put my hands on him (let alone slap him) and that he gave me permission to slap him because it only turned him on even more …and then, that smile *sigh. One day, I guess I told him that I wanted to be with him forever. He told me that he was “straight” and that I was the ONLY guy he would ever do things with !! And that his way of life would endanger mine, he told me that if he ever needed anything to ask him. He told me that he would better himself one day and than consider what I had said. I am obsessed with him, it’s like he is with me even when he is not. I haven’t even washed my shirt from that night! WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME? WHY CAN’T I WAKE UP IN HIS ARMS EVERYDAY? I have fallen for him to the point where I would do anything for him…I have fallen in DESPERATE love with him.. and I can't have him?
I just read through this whole thing (and got slightly turned on... ok, that is my problem) so basically you have fallen in love with a (literally?) bad boy who seems to be... closeted? though you have to consider the fact that he doesn't want you to be in trouble... and you're the first guy he... let you slap my interpretation might be off, but if i were you, the question might be if you should wait for him or move on?
Run the other way. Seriously. He does have a valid point. His way of life can very easily endanger you. Not just physically but career wise as well. I don't know what your plans are in life but if they are legal there is a good chance being with a dangerous gang member will negatively impact them. Also, the thing about gang members is that they tend to go to prison. If he begins to have problems with the law he could go away for years. That would be incredibly difficult for you. Not to mention the numerous problems that could easily arise if people found out that he was a gay gang member. . . I strongly urge you to move on. I highly doubt that trying to make things work with this guy in these circumstances is going to end well. I wish I had more positive advice for you but I strongly recommend you not go after this man. Good luck!
Oh, castle walls.... you said that so easily, but it's so hard to do. I am in love with this man. I feel like he completes me. I feel one with him..
I hope it didn't seem like I thought getting over him would be an easy task. I only worded my post so strongly because I really feel like you're headed for serious trouble. When you really fall for someone, some times it can be difficult, if not impossible, to see how serious the negative parts can be. I know that feeling. In the past, I fell in love with someone that was terrible for me and was borderline abusive. I couldn't see how bad the situation was until it was behind me. Getting over her was far from easy and I thought no one would ever make me feel the way that she did. I later got with my current gf. I've been with her for 5 years now. I know getting over him will be difficult but it is something you should really consider doing. You may thank yourself later
Thank you so much for your advice. I highly appreciate your input. I just need more time to think about this...
It seems to me that he is trying to protect you. From himself, and his life. I know this is hard, but take the warning and move on. He may really like you, but as he told you, you two being a pair would only in danger you.. and if he really liked you he would not let that happen.
Well, reading your story (I got turned a bit turned on as well) I can definitely imagine how you should feel right now, like how that one night happened and now he's claiming to be straight and all. But from what you're saying I think he's placing the mind above the feelings, and that is not easy at all, but it's what you should do. It's like an impossible relationship if you ask me, however bad that might sound to you. I know it may seem like it's impossible to get over him, but considering the situation, you should try to. He pretty much says it isn't going to happen as well, so hanging on to this will only get you hurt more.
As everyone has said, it's about time you moved on. Luckily, if you actually put in the effort, you're in a good spot to do so. To get over people, the general things you want are: 1) Time 2) Distance 3) Distraction Your lives aren't intertwined; you certainly can get time and distance from him. As for distraction, keep yourself occupied - either with another guy or just the rest of your life. I know we're saying this like it's going to be easy, but it really won't be. Just remember that you aren't the only person who's fallen for unrequited love and that you really can move past it... but it's not going to happen if you don't put the effort in. And use paragraphs, please, it makes life easier for everyone else. ._.
Sorry but if at almost 23 you see someone saying "he kissed me and then something about pushing against the wall" you would have to be a saint not to get turned on (!)
so how do u cry over him. was he your first. is he there for you or he has broken off all bonds. he sounds like a sweet guy and really nice. he must really make you laugh. anywayz i knw it will hurt ive been there. my first was a gangsta. i lost my virginity to him when i was 18. it really hurt when he told me that he was straight. but ive moved on nw. but i still love. i cnt even look him in the eyes when i see him. it hurts. hes also a member of a dangerous gang in miami. bt i jus cnt be with him as he said he needs to protect me from his life as it can corrupt mine.
This is totally reminding me of the movie "Shank" (The gay one, not the one with the black kid), I think when it comes to people being in a situation where what they want may reflect bad on everything else, you either just fucking go for it or not. fyi: Don't watch this 'Shank' movie, it's good but quite disturbing near the end.
Erm...I'm very sorry and I beg for your forgiveness if i'm wrong, but this sounds a tad too similar to a fanfic I read a few months back.... But if this is a genuine experience, I agree with the posters above, for your own safety I advise you to get out ASAP. Even if you're lucky enough not to be pulled into the quicksand of gang activities by dating him, you'd still be spending all your time worrying about him, whether he might be killed, arrested etc. It takes a toll on your emotional and mental well being. But seeing that he's also rather crazy about you (despite him saying he's straight and needs to protect you and stuff) I think quitting this relationship might be harder than we all think- he's probably going to avoid you for a few days (or vice versa) then he's going to comb through the neighborhoods looking for you and saying he misses you and stuff. It that happens then it would be your call- would you be willing to give up potentially everything for him? All the best and good luck
My brother caught me watching it during one of the sex scenes -.- And am I the only who is reminded of the movie Brokeback Mountain? Or is that completely unrelated to this? As for advice..... wheu. Tough situation, OP. I like the question the above poster asked you... are you willing to give up everything for this guy?
