Hey everyone, So my question is this: Is it possible to be questioning my sexuality at age 20? So here's my spiel, if you care to read: Whenever I read about people questioning their sexuality and realizing they're gay, bi, or anything, it seems that they're significantly younger than me. As in, 12 and 13, or maybe high school. This confuses me because I feel I have just started to seriously question my sexuality for the first time now, at age twenty. Oh and I'm a girl. The only relationship I've had was with a guy who I was never actually attracted to, but I certainly do find some men attractive. I think this all started because I have a huge crush on a girl I recently met (but she has a girlfriend so it won't be pursued). What's curious, though, is that I've definitely been attracted to girls before. On two occasions, once in college and once in middle school, I've fallen for girls that I absolutely couldn't stop thinking about. Somehow, though, these never led me to think about seriously questioning my sexuality. When I think about it, I definitely spend more time looking at girls, but I figured it was just because I admired them, wanted to be like them, so kind of liked to study them. Then this summer when talking with a friend of mine about first sexual experiences, I realized (seeming to have forgotten!) that mine was with a girl, and remembered how thrilling and exhilarating that was. But this I brushed off, thinking I must have been excited because it was my first sexual experience, no matter who with. I mean, he himself shared about his first experience, which was with a guy, but he has since then been so SURE about being gay. But now I'm thinking about girls more and more, and finding them more compelling. I used to think 'oh, I find her attractive, but don't see myself being with her' which has totally changed now. So last night I masturbated while thinking about this really cute girl, and afterward it was just like 'yessssssss'. (I've never watched lesbian porn, because it seems abrasive and not too appealing.) What this rant is really saying is that whenever I had sexual thoughts about girls, I didn't to suppress them or anything, but just never really considered them part of my sexual identity. I don't consider myself homophobic at all, many if not most of my close friends are gay, and I quite admire them, and would theoretically feel comfortable coming out as gay (but I'm feeling like I missed the boat). So I assume that I hadn't been in denial? But I don't know anymore. The only thing I do have anxiety about is being bisexual, because I know that a lot of people (often including me, though I try my best not to) perceive it as kind of illegitimate. So in sum, I'm not really asking, "am I bi?? am I gay??" because I know I can be the only one to figure that out for myself. Rather I'm wondering, does it so happen that people are still (or, starting to) figure out their sexual identities even in their 20s? Why am I thinking about this so late?
Yes, it can most certainly do! Like you I always kinda knew I was attracted to girls but never paid much attention to it. It's only when I was about 25 that I started to question the whole thing. You'll see that there ARE other people like you who figure things out later in life - but it doesn't mean it's any less real or legitimate. Welcome to EC by the way. I hope you find it useful
Hehe. I posted my first post tonight as well. Looking around these forums, I've seen several people talk about realizing their orientation at much later stages of their lives than you, so I really don't see a problem here.
Sure, I've only started questioning at about 21. I had the same (maybe still have) as you. It's not really easy with the many prejudices against bisexuals and it doesn't help much that some people first come out as bi and then gay. But if you think you are attracted to girls and guys both now, it doesn't make that illegitimate now, even if you later end up being attracted to only one gender, doesn't it? Everyone has a different speed to figure these things out. Here's a link to a thread with other people starting to come out at 20+ and later with some people also only starting questioning later in life: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/73305-late-bloomers-20-really-late-bloomers-30-%3B-how-did-you-came-out.html
I'm glad I'm not the only one who worries about this. Also, I think it is pretty reasonable to not question until you're 20. I'm 20 and I've only started to really think about it in the past year or so. For me, I was always attracted to girls, I just didn't really know that that's what it was. I thought I just really admired them in a way that gave me butterflies. It was right in front of me all along, but it didn't even occur to me to consider that I was gay for the longest time. I think it has a lot to do with culture: straight until proven otherwise.
Wow thanks for the great responses and warm welcome! And Aquilo thanks for the link - I'm feeling like so much less of an anomaly I thought I was haha and loved reading about other's people's experiences. Feeling so much better and ready to get to know myself better
Hey I only came to the real grand conclusion and acceptance of being bi at 21 (now), before then I just thought my attraction to women was either a phase or well actually I don't know what it was. Now I'm questioning again if I might be gay Hate to relate it but it's kinda like a career in a way, some people know what they want to be at 12, others in their 20's, some not until their 40's, treat every moment like an adventure and make the most out of all of it I say (no matter how confusing or scary the ride may be)
Short disclaimer, I'm still in high school, so I can't really give any significant personal thoughts. I may be past the questioning phase, but I still have huge problems with my sexuality, and I expect I'll still have problems with truly accepting myself for a greater part of my life, definitely past my 20s. Debbie Montaghue, a lesbian author, wrote that she went back into the closet after an article she read insinuated that she wrote an awful lot of lesbian content for a straight woman. I don't know how old she was at the time, but definitely past her 20s. Some, if not most, people struggle with their sexual identity their whole lives like her--and like you--so please don't think what you're going through is abnormal in any way.
I began to question my sexuality at 19, so I don't think that it's strange at all for you to have started at 20. I know of some people who didn't realize they were gay until they were in their 30's. I think we are all conditioned to believe that we are supposed to be heterosexual and some people take longer than others to realize or accept that we're not.
I think I was 19 when I first put two and two together and thought I might be gay. Since then, I've struggled immensely with the back and forth between gay/straight/bi/gay/bi/straight/gay/bi/straight/gay/bi which is where I'm at now. So no, it's not too late.
I think it's more common than you think. I didn't really consider myself gay until I was 20, but looking back I think I secretly knew the whole time I just did a good job at suppressing it.
