I'm sorry to post something like this when I haven't been around in a while but I need to get this out somewhere or I think i'm going to go insane. This is a continuation of sorts from the previous post I made about my mother, she disowned me when I came out and we haven't spoken for 8 years, haven't seen her for 4. I'm going to end up seeing her next year at my sister's wedding, so I sent a message to her through my sister saying that my door is open if she wants to try and reconnect. She sent back a message saying that we can talk if I apologise for how I behaved when I came out. I don't think i've done anything to apologise for, so I made the decision that I can't accept those terms. I was doing well with that decision, but now i've logged on to facebook to send my sister a message and I found a picture of me and my other sister on her wall, posted by mum which my sister had commented on to say she likes the pic. The caption is "my twins xx" and it's significant because she has never posted pictures of me online, she's posted many pictures that have had me cropped out of them, and she's even posted that she has only three children (when i'm the fourth) but now she's put a picture of me and my sister and even admitted that we're both her children. I'd be a complete idiot if I accepted what she wants and apologised to her just to see if there's a chance that we might have a relationship again, but i'm considering it. It's scaring me because I know that she has always made me feel unworthy and I've really worked hard to get to a place where I believe that i'm good enough for my friends, family and my boyfriend so now i'm risking going back there. It's just really hard to think straight when all it takes is one picture and i'm reconsidering everything and I can't even think straight. I don't know if anyone can really give me advice, but this is the only place I can really put this and know that i'm not going to get shouted at for being so dumb and I really can't worry my boyfriend at the moment. The support part would be nice though.
Well, that is a predicament isn't it. You may be mad at her, but she is your mother. At the risk of sounding cliche, her love should be important. I think the reason you are so conflicted is that she has said/done some particularly cruel things in the past, yet you are contemplating putting yourself out there for more ridicule in order to gain a better standing with her. I say give it a shot. Even if you find out that she still feels the same way and wants to further disown you, so be it. That is her choice and anything you do further most likely will not change her mind since you have made your "final attempt" so to speak. But give this attempt all you got. Get everything out in the open while still trying to be nice. Don't back down on your positions, but be assertive yet understanding. You know? Anyhow, even if things don't work out, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your bf. If you can't get anything out of your mom, you should find everything you need in him right? Best of luck, and do what feels right to you! Let us know how things work out! :goodluck:
How did you behave when you came out out of curiosity? Maybe you could apooligise by saying that your sorry you couldn't find a way to stay in touch then and that sorry it turned out the way it did. That way you apologize without admitting you were wrong?
Thank you, both. I'm not entirely sure what behaviour she's referring to, but she did learn that I had made plans to take my own life because she went through my computer and read my online diary a few days after I told her that I was gay. The only reason I didn't go through with it was because my cat somehow got into my room and jumped on me and I felt some sense of enjoyment from that and it gave me a little bit of hope that maybe I would get better. She thinks I did it for attention really, she thinks it's all for attention.
In my opinion, I wouldn't apologize and try and reform a relationship under her "conditions." She's the one the that did things wrong and she should be the one to apologize to you. She's the one who decided to take you out of her life and not even acknowledge you as her own child over the fact that you're gay and that is her problem. You aren't to blame for anything since you were just being who you are and she couldn't accept that, which is wrong. When she can grow up and be a real loving mother, then I would consider trying to get something going, but not until she realizes that what she did was wrong and hurtful. You didn't do anything to hurt her. This is just my opinion and it might be a bit harsh, but I believe it's valid.
this sounds really complicated and i cant exactly say i can relate at all or that my advice will be any good but im just going to put it out there in hopes that it will help somehow. i think you should not apologize but say something along the lines of tht you hope she can accept you for who you are and you would like to try to get back in touch with her again because you love her and shes your mom. also ask what behavior she is refering to maybe you did something and didnt realize it or maybe shes just saying that cause she was pissed idk i would just ask her. try to be nice about it and state that you didnt do anything wrong by being gay and that if she is willing to accept your sexuality you would like to try to fix your relationship. thats wha i'd do in your situation hope it was some help idk im not very good at advice sorrys
Yeah, cats really have a knack for stopping us from doing regretful things. I'm thankful for your cat in that case! ^^ Now, with your situation, I'm guessing your mom probably really hurt you or even angered you. This may not be the BEST advice, but if i were in your situation... ok, well, if i were in your situation and I actually CARED about my mom accepting me, i'd probably just put on a show for her. Ya know, she wants an apology, give her one, just mentally note to yourself that you were clearly right if you truly were in the right. But i do believe she'd probably feel relieved if you told her how sorry you are about almost taking your life. Just tell her you love her and that you didn't mean to hurt her. Just tell her how you feel. It's been 8 years, surely you've gotta have SOMETHING to say. (something positive may I add heh heh heh). She's your mom though, you know her more than any of us do. Maybe your siblings can give you some adivce?
Thank you all, it really means a lot that you have taken the time to give me your thoughts. I agree that it's a very complicated situation, there are a lot of other elements that are making this harder for me. Like my boyfriend, who is currently still trying to process the suicide of his friend a few months ago, he's hurting and I cannot and will not worry him about me yet i'm willingly engaging in activities that have a high risk of unbalancing my mental state. My negative voice is telling me that i'm a bad boyfriend for doing this and i'm finding it really hard to disagree. Then there's my nieces and nephews, my eldest nephew has started to ask some questions about why his nana won't join in when I chat over the webcam with them and my sister doesn't know what to tell him, I feel like I should apologise for their sake so that they won't have to process this at such a young age. They know that I have a boyfriend and they don't seem bothered by it (although they think it's very funny to try and tease me about it but I think they'd do that if I were seeing a girl) so mum isn't managing to turn them against me but sooner or later she'll start saying stuff to them, I fear. I just can't look away from this picture that mum posted. It was taken on our 18th birthday and even though I was pretty messed up and my sister was in the middle of an eating disorder we all look happy. I want to keep telling myself that we were not as happy as we looked, it was a front because we didn't know what else to do, but it's not working. I think it's quite a common thing where people will look back on past events and view them differently with hindsight but still it's really playing with me now. And i'm just rambling now, sorry.
