A bit of my story. I'm from a really small town in Missouri- one of the most homophobic towns in the country. I was rejected all throughout high school and as a result, I had a very poor relationship with my male peers. When I was 15, I was working at a fireworks stand overnight and this upperclassmen took advantage of me. I felt so special when that happened and I began to receive affirmation and acceptance from this guy the more I was willing to mess around. Over time, the more and more I did this... the more and more I realized I was attracted to the men. When this finally began to sink in, I jumped headfirst into ministry. I had this idea that if I served God, he would return the favor and make me straight. Wow... was I wrong! My brother came out as gay to my parents my senior year of high school. He moved away to Chicago and abandoned all of the family's religious beliefs. After he came out, my parents looked to me to get married and have children. Once they found out about my same-sex attraction, they were devastated and blamed my brother and I for ruining their lives. It was at this point, I graduated from college. They shipped me off to California to get "fixed." (Clearly that was worth the $10,000). The experience was difficult but I can honestly say that I learned a lot of stuff through the experience. At this point in my life, I have been suppressing all of my homosexual desires except for weekend binges about every other week where I engage in anonymous sexual encounters. I understand that it's not way to live, but I don't know what else to do. Everyone around me believes that I've turned from this lifestyle. In fact, I was asked to post my story online for a ministry outreach. With time, I'm beginning to see that both roads, celibacy or homosexuality, are not going to bring my happiness. I feel absolutely torn. All of this pressure, though, amounts to nothing in comparison to the God-issue. I have wanted to go into the ministry since I was 10 years old. In fact, there are stories that God intervened and saved my life in a car accident when I was 6. Apparently, God has placed me in a position of power and influence for his kingdom (or so I'm told). And honestly, there are no clear and cut answers when it comes to this issue in the Christian community. It's all opinion and the one's that try to use the Bible do so in a suffocating fashion; leaving nothing to do. When I play out my future in my head, I always reach this conclusion: I am gay, there is absolutely no doubt about it. I have spent the last 5 years trying to deny that fact and using God to change me. Time after time, I have failed at these attempts. The truth is, I am gay. I am attracted to men. I have not completely accepted this yet, but I'm working on it. A relationship with a man terrifies me, but at the same time- I want it desperately. The problem is that if I were to carry this out and abandon all that people have invested in me to turn me- I will literally lose everything. My parents will disown me, I will probably be kicked out of my current residence, the people in California will demand I come back, all of the people from my high school will talk crap on me and most likely spread terrible rumors. To add onto all of this, I feel I will be abandoning God and turning from what he had planned for my life. I'm at a crossroads... and I'm absolutely terrified to step forward. I don't know to step out in who I believe I am or turn around and run full blast back to suppression. Any advice?
I'm sorry your thread has gotten lost and not responded to yet.. If you feel your parents will abandon you and kick you out of their house and their life, is that really the "loving christian" parents that you want to have in yours? Parents that have only "conditional" love if you are straight and can give them grandchildren? And how do you know that God didn't plan for you to fall in love with and spend your life with a guy? After all, he made you that way. You didn't just become gay through some experience or by other means. And you can be in the ministry and still be gay and happy. There are quite a few LGBT affirming churches around the USA. You're in control of your own life and you need to live it for yourself and do what makes you and your heart happy. Celibacy is no way to live. You deserve to love and be loved by whatever man you decide to spend your life with. People trying to "change you"(of which you cannot be changed since there is absolutely nothing wrong with you to begin with!) do not truly care about you and you do not need those vile people in your life. At least you still have your brother that understands you and would be loving and accepting. He was smart and I think you should probably follow in his shoes at some point whenever possible. I know they are your parents, but have you really realized what they are saying and what they've put you through? Also this video does a good job of explaining a good perspective of the bible and homosexuality. [YOUTUBE]4OiDrbipW34[/YOUTUBE]
skipping probably the more important stuff, but Lance and others probably have better answers than me. order of things in bold 1) I am picky when people call their children their "investment" or children thinking they're "the investment". Is it really how we view children now? Is children just as an investment as buying stocks or buying mortgages? What exactly kind of son are you? Does your parents "love you" to take care their investment? I don't know how to phrase properly my cringing face when I see that word, but hopefully you catch my drift 2) Why do you even care about people from HS? the people you should care are your true friends. And hey, your other people from HS also go to college too. Some of them might have their minds opened and more accepting. But really, why does it matter? 3) But what exactly is God's plan for you? I can't remember exactly the stories, but God will punish/bless you even if you make mistakes. Paul used to beat up Christians, and yet God still accept him and change him. God treasures (king) David before he becomes king, but then he later cheats, and after a punishment, he still get watch over by God. To be honest, I haven't flip my bible or read any examples for a while, so they may escape my mind. Maybe your sexuality God intended it. Maybe he didn't. But having a relationship with God is not cookie-cutting everyone's straight and married and have children and do things. (ok, this part is kind of telling myself too, haha)
This may sound startling to you but just listen for a moment. 1. God made you the way he intended and he loves you just the way that he made you. 2. God may have called you to some form of ministry. 3. These things are not mutually exclusive. Case in point: One of my parents friends is a lesbian and a minister. She has been happily married for over twenty years to a lovely woman and is the minister of an Anglican parish within our city. Now that that is out of the way I wish to comment on something else. I have so much sympathy for you. I can not imagine being unable to have the support of your family. And I mean true support, that comes from being fully accepted. True love is unconditional. How about your brother? Could he be a healthier support to you than those that you're involved with now?
God is all-knowing, right? He creates everything, including you, exactly how He wants them to be. Why would He change you, make you straight, if He made you like this? If God has a plan for you, maybe being gay is part of it. Maybe you have something you have to do.
