Heya EC. I've got a wee bit of a dilemma and looking for input. I have a friend and housemate who I'll call P. I've known him for over 2 years now and been crushing on him for over 1. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not necessarily into him, but rather into a lot of the physical and emotional traits that he has. It might just be justification so I could get over him without blowing the friendship, but it seemed to work. Thing is, P doesn't talk about his feelings/problems very much, whereas I talk to him quite a bit about them. He wanted to talk to me about something tonight because he said my talking about all of my stuff to him made him feel more comfortable. His issue is that he has a crush on one of our housemates. Seeing as I hash out enough of the "dealing with crushes" advice here, I have no qualms helping him out. In fact, I've mentioned quite a few times over our talk that I definitely know what he's going through, but strictly that I didn't want to name names. One of the things we talked about was how he was feeling envious of other people who got to spend time with his crush. I know that feeling, and I don't have it anymore for him, which I guess is good. Beyond that, there was also theorizing how well outright telling her his feelings would go. I mentioned that it might be awkward, but I think she'd get over it eventually, and he agreed. My thought is that now that I consider myself more-or-less over my crush for him, would telling him how I felt be a good idea? It'd strictly be for advising purposes, perhaps to give more weight to my anecdotal evidence. I feel like I've dug myself a bit of a hole with all these stories about some nameless guy who lived in our house (if he caught onto that), which only leaves 3 people, him being one of them... and I figure it'd be better if he heard it from me rather than coming to that conclusion himself. On the other hand, I don't want to jeopardize that comfort level that he used to confide in me with. Anyone have any thoughts?
Telling someone your true, strong feelings for them.. it is a toughie. I guess that only you know if it's a good idea, and even if you think that you know, sometimes you don't know. I only say that because I thought once that it'd be a good idea to break my feelings to a friend of mine, who was not similarly interested. But even though it caused me some embarassment (at feeling stronger for her than she did me..) it helped me to move on. If I had never asked her through my admission what she thought, I could always have it in my head that she might feel the same, and hold out for that. Now that I knew that she was just friend material by her own admission, I was free to think "okay.. well, that's a turn-off.. my feelings are diminishing on their own now!" Not saying that it is always that easy; you run the big risk of being strung along by a person who does not feel feelings, but knows "your number" and can use it to their advantage.. Ouch.. it is a state to be in. I have recently been in this boat, and chose not to disclose my feelings.. I feel good about that though, since the person they are for is notlikely to reciprocate and my gut tells me to hold on and see where my feelings go.
Well, I've been on the other side. of such a story. Twice. In fact, in both cases, the other person wasn't even over it. And in the end, I do think it worked out for the best. they both knew ahead of time I wasn't interested, but by actually putting it out there and talking it through (and, I guess, getting the "I like you as a friend, but not in that way" speech from me), I do feel that both for me and for them it was easier to turn a page. Awkward for a bit, but easier to take it as adults. Granted, I didn't actually live in one house with them. So if they felt like avoiding me, it was easier than in your case. Though still: my opinion is that it's a bit like coming out. There's always the fear of a worst-case scenario, but usually, people aren't idiots. Everyone has sometimes had to keep a secret, or to get over a crush, and often in similar situations. So if you're adult enough to discuss all of those other issues, I'm sure he'll appreciate the insight. And maybe it'll be a next step for you to get even more fully over him. Also similar to coming out, I do think it's best to act as if it's no big deal. you crushed on him, you got over it, you think he could learn from that. no excuses, because such things just happen. Maybe it's best to say it like: "you know, funny thing there: right about the time I came out, I ended up crushing on one of the guys that was the most supportive. which happened to be you. Now, how I got over this was as follows: [give the advice you were going to give anyway]" If he asks further about the crush, continue giving direct, but unapologetic answers. Or, at least, that's how I would try to handle it. Good luck however it turns out!
I think I'll ask him how much value he saw in my personal experiences compared the other generic advice. If he sees value in it, I'll expand and tell him, and if not I'll drop it since there's no need to tell him. Thanks though guys.
Just to conclude this (and my other threads about the same topic), I went and I told him today. He said he wasn't really awkward about it and he actually thinks it's quite brave that I decided to tell him. I also definitely did dig myself into a hole on Monday talking about my experiences, because he kind of had an inkling before I told him. Needless to say it went very well, and I feel surprisingly good that this crush is now "officially" over. And he is definitely an awesome guy. Thanks guys, as always, for everything.
