Recently i had been doing kinda well, but today i have started to fall back into a low and i fell like i need to at least vent on what ive been thinking about since i cant really talk to anyone, so here goes: i am gay, and i accept the fact, but i`m not so sure i quite accept the idea yet. i feel like i dont really know who i am, and that i have just found myself inside of this person i have created. every now and then i get to see a glimpse of me, only to have myself run and hide wit any indication that another soul may be near. whenever im by myself i can be me but i still kinda feel like i dont know how to. whenever im around anyone or somewhere other than my room, i feel like its not really me, just that person that i made to hide myself. i guess ive always been attracted to guys but whenever i started to realize it i did my best to suppress it. around eighth grade i had convinced myself that i was bi, this of course being much better than being gay because i could just ignore that other half of myself and pretend it never existed. that did'nt work out too well (surprise, surprise) i still had the urges but couldnt really grasp the concept of me being a "godless heathen gay", the concept that i had hidden from everyone, including myself. about a year ago i got into a relationship with a really nice girl, everyone thought we were so good together. she loved me, and i loved her, but after a few months i began to realize that i still loved her, just not in that way. i also started to notice that i had no real attraction to her or any other girl. we stayed together, as i wrestled with this, until about a month after i realized that i was and always will be gay when i finally told her. not surprisingly to me she took it well, though it still wasnt easy for me to tell her. i knew her brother was openly gay, and one of our mutual friends, who i plan to come out to soon, is a lesbian. we are still friends, but we dont talk about it. that is pretty much the summarized version, excluding the details of my depression. right now i feel like i so badly need to come out to my parents, but i know it isnt the right time. i also am unsure of how my dad will react, and somewhat afraid of how my mom will. my dad is kinda homophobic, as well as my mom. and my mom is already restrictive of who is "acceptable" for me to date. my dad's reaction i really have no idea of what to expect, and my mom's reaction i think would be mostly internal (though also very much external) making me fear for her, not so much afraid of her. the only person i can think of who would be truly accepting might be my aunt, who is also somewhat looked down upon because she married a black cuban atheist, she is more forward thinking, the only problem is about 800 miles between us. i accept that i am who i am, but i feel like when im around others i am (most of the time :rolle showing them who they want me to be, if that makes sense.
You sound exactly how I used to feel. Thats a very tough spot to be. Its also very hard to put all those emotions into words. Just want you to know that I and probably everyone here at this site knows exactly what you are going through, and that we are here for you. You aren't alone.
First off, I think it is great that you have found the courage to come out to atleast one person, and have the possibility of coming out to more accepting friends. I always tell people that there is a fine line between not coming out, and pretending to be something else. No matter wha,t be yourself. If you dont think it is a good time to come out right now, that is fine. For some it is better to wait until they get out of the house and off to college before they come out. Either way, until you choose to come out, be as much of yourself as you can be. There really isnt any 'right' advice anyone can give you. It really comes down to your gut feelings and what you think is the best choice. And I love the title pun ^-^
thanks to both of you for helping me to see that im not alone in going through this. i guess the main thing is that i really dont want to feel like this especially right now, and usually my depressed phases just have to run their course. i feel almost like im bi polar with my high being 0 on a scale of -10 to 10 and my lows at about a -9. what i think helps is realizing that im not the first one, and realizing that while i may have a ways to go i have come a long way
Hey Josh My situation is exactly the same and I'm also 16. Yes you have come a long way and sometimes we all feel the way you do now. I hitted a all time low 2 days ago but trust me you'll get through it There's not really any right advice I noticed the last few day. Only you yourself will now when the time is right to tell your parrents. Maybe you can tell one very close friend first? Strongs I hope it works out for you
