I don't even know why im here.. just a nobody anyway..

Mmm.. so as the thread title says.. I don't know why.. what do I know anyway im just just a useless stupid fa**ot anyway thats "past the point of no return".. If I was to attempt to literally type "everything", assuming time was frozen so more stop happening to me, I would be typing for.. weeks.. & the forum probably wouldn't work with such a incomprehensibly large post.

With that said & assuming its read (really.. I don't think/know most won't care to & I expected that), it marks the day I gave up.. period. I tried my whole "life" which was in beyond torture & I saw it all, everything, coming decades ago.. couldn't do anything or else I would of obviously.. & its not just restricted to the way im treated on dating sites & humans from dating sites, its EVERYTHING.. Now.. I don't "go to" aka say anything to anyone first anymore, forever.. only if someone say something to me first & even then..

Me? Im a done for beyond hopeless piece of garbage.. I know you all will think "several have thought & said that about themselves before" etc well go ahead..

-I never had a single friend in my life, ever. Not even "internet friends".. ZERO! FOREVER!
-I never had a family in my life, ever. First & last time I ever saw them in 1999, they didn't give a sh*t about me..
-I was not hugged or cuddled or anything when I was a child.
-My parents live on the other end of the country & its to be away from me, oh & they also hate each other as well
-Last time I worked was January 2012, now im on disability cause I can't work I cant do anything anymore
-I can't even afford decent food (was no different when I was working, +/- $25/month diff)
-I never had anyone to be "close to" in my life
-I never had anyone "be there" for me in my life
-I never been noticed in my life.. except being a sore thumb sticking out to be tortured
-I never been loved before.. by anyone, yes includes my "family".. no matter how much I love the person & be there for him & everything.. I don't matter
-My doctor doesn't even believe anything I say, he calls it "its just you're personality"..
-The psychiatrist didn't believe me either, blew me off after the SECOND visit.. was unable to diagnose me with anything either.. he was speechless & I wasn't even finished saying things to him either..
-No one believes anything I ever say, its all a joke to humans
-I do nothing but be in my room with the door locked, on the computer trying to game, listening to sad emo music & crying.. every day.. all day.. I can't leave my room theres no where to go, no one to see, I don't exist I never did..
-Failed high school cause all school was was.. torture.. & thats an understatement ill just say that. Even have physical proof on me forever for memories.

That list could go on indefinitely.. the "someone must care about you that you don't know about" statement doesn't apply to me.. saying it just puts me that much closer to.. walking in front of a bus.

In early Oct, Oct 9, 2012 to be exact. After 6 days since I spoke to a guy first on a dating app, & actually having to follow up cause he went the usual silent near instantly, I met someone. This person, was the absolute last one before I officially gave up.. & Ive already given up by the time the meet actually happened, the only reason the meet stayed on is cause first contact happened mere DAYS, before so. So I knew "this is the last guy.. forever that I could try for.. & brace as usual". Soon as I saw him walk up to me in the mall meet spot I saw the aura (I can do that) & felt everything.. instantly. I should of figured the very last attempt was going to have a massive amount of "content" or happening behind him.. course I was right cause im never wrong about this stuff.. never have been thats also how I know im less than a piece of sh*t. We sort of walked around the mall, he got himself a hotdog, asked if he wants to go back to his place he said fine & we took the bus back. When we get there we go to his room, sort of talk about his laptop & some of the games he was playing, there was several "awkward silences" which didn't even bother me & he said hes like that earlier before anyway, like me just not as bad.. We played some PS3 together for a couple hours then we layed down & he.. held me.. if thats what "hugs/cuddles" are since I don't know anymore.. & he kissed me first.. which covers most of the first day. At the end when I had to go I stood up & held him, his hands.. & I told him "when can i see you again..? but if its just another of the usual being you don't want to see my ugly face again etc, then just say it..", he said he liked what we did & he does want to see me again but doesn't want to date right now & I said thats fine.. he said the following Monday we could meet again. He gave me a reason to leave my room.. & I gave him a reason to leave his as said himself.

We did.. & he even gave me some "good mornings" texts in between.. nothing anyone ever does to me.. but as usual.. the second time I saw him is where the.. I guess "internal questions" start.. from the moment I saw him he looked a little different & when we sat down he was playing PS3 so I just watched him as I put my arms around him.. just that alone is more than a treasure to me that I never have or ever will again.. but.. as I did that which is all we did for the 5hrs or so till I left, he didn't really respond to it like he did the first time. Every & anyone else would be very slowly inching AWAY from me or even worse reactions.. but while he didn't react the same as the first time, he didn't inch away or give any reaction.. just, nothing... Remember at the beginning when I said I saw/felt a lot coming towards me as he physically did? Well this is basically the start of it now.. I guess the reason I even left was because he was "feeling sick" & inside I knew.. this is what I braced for.. as before that I already said a bulk of my feelings toward him & that I had/have a crush on him, somewhat interesting that that didn't make him walk all over me soon as he read the text of that like the rest.. Hes the last one forever.. so several "things" were done & said differently than usual I don't know how to describe it with words on a screen.. The "im sick" thing is a very common excuse humans use against me.. to get rid of me or "play around with me" like its funny so I don't/didn't believe it but of course as always.. id force myself to "just in case" which is indeed, never the case.. but going into that is already all described in the link at the top so.. Thats the end of day 2 which was Oct 15, 2012, held him & kissed him on his neck as I braced inside for "it".. now its going to pick up..

Sure enough.. the first few hours of texts after I leave appear normal, I show my usual feelings towards a person cause he is just that.. a person.. not an old rag in the trash, especially for someone who is sick. But after that for the next 2 weeks he keeps saying days when I could see him again when I ask then when those days come, nothing happens.. suddenly becomes "busy" for someone that also said he doesn't really leave his room, some days he even says that he couldn't cause he had "meetups planned"... After 2 weeks of it then his reply rate really starts dropping fast & the size of the replies if I do get one.. I start trying to phone him out of simple care & concern for someone I nearly had love at first sight with & get varying ring responses ranging from 1 ring -> voicemail, to 5 rings -> voicemail, to instant silence -> voicemail quickly.. ya.. its happening of course.. so I decide to use one of my free calling apps on my phone to call from a different number, answers.. but surprisingly does not hangup or give the "spill" about how worthless I am, that im just waiting for now.. says how every winter he gets sick for the entire season & that the doctors don't know whats wrong with him & needs "some time alone".. my response to that is like anyone else that cared about the guy would be.. The next morning I get one "morning" reply.. but was the last one even to this day..

A week later which makes early Nov 2012, as I know his birthday is on Nov 30.. I get more ideas like what should I get him & when.. as im braced for "it not lasting" till his birthday.. meaning he finally gets rid of me by then, I want to get him something while I can.. I sacrifice $15 of food in money to give to him, in person.. I sent him a text saying I am going to his place & going to my bus stop now but I knew there would be no reply which there wasn't.. but I gave him a chance to simply deny it & tell me no & I would respect that.. Got there & theres no answer from him or his mother or brother, come back later that same day, same thing. Told him the result of no answer later but still no reply from him & told him tomorrow im doing it again, first time on the next day again no answer. But as I was on the way back for the second time on the second day which was the last attempt for that week.. I knew it felt different, in which way was unclear but I felt it. Sure enough there was an answer that time, his brother which then called him upstairs, another interesting moment when he didnt decide to yell at me & tell me to get lost in front of his mom & brother.. actually ended up staying there for 4 hours in even more silences as I watch him play Counter Strike Source, holding his birthday gift money in my pocket completely in pieces inside.. took me an hour to even be able to give it to him, all that for a mere $15.. as usual im always the only one that does such for a person.

But I could see he is or was.. sick that part was actually real but still doesn't justify the past.. month now of this & yet as I stood behind him with my hands on his shoulders while not exactly looking at the screen, I could see he was dragging the chat window for Steam partially off the screen when he was talking about meeting someone.. but he still knows I saw it anyway.. at the end of that I again stood in front of him & held him but that time.. it started to leak out & I cried right in front of him.. saying how I missed him, how beautiful he is & how he gave me a reason to leave my room & of course.. when can I see you again..? Answer to that is shady like the rest.. but since that last time on Nov 8 that I saw him, which was simply to give him his present early in bracing for never seeing him again, replies are basically just about at a stand still. I knew I was probably never going to see him again after that, I am just a lonely hopeless dipsh*t anyway..

I already promised quietly to myself that ill never give up on him.. ill always be there for him like he even stated in his profile that hes dying for.. until either he gets rid of me or.. I die.. both are coming but which is first.. Also throughout all of that I just said, his profile status changed from "bisexual" to "straight", but his "looking for: everybody" remains & did not change to females.. just raises more questions & more bracing.. yet he still views my hopeless profile from time to time.. The variables for him changing that on his profile could be endless.. mind you this started a fair amount of time before, he changed it.. in the end does it matter.. im a hopeless POS.. Ill always care about you, Colt. Can't even find one con or disquality about him if I tried..

-Games
-Karate
-Extremely quiet
-Extremely introverted
-Not "always out in bars" etc type
-Some more I decided to not even say here..

Everyday now I constantly look on Steam & Skype.. to see if im deleted silently.. still on both still but replies are remaining zero.. He'll be on my mind forever, he'll be inside of me forever & there is 3 words I have reserved that I haven't said to him yet.. 3 words that will be the very last thing I say to him.. when the conformation, hard proof finally comes that im worthless to him. "I love you", or at the moment before my heart stops.. Im done theres nothing left of me, my heart skips beats, I hyperventilate & more been like that forever.. I don't exist I never did, just constantly abused, abandoned, tortured, laughed at, lied to.. for.. twenty two. Years. This is all I know, all I been shown, all I felt, all I ate, all I breathed all my "life". As one said.. "id be surprised if you had any friends that actually cared about you", I would be too... If I ever had any friend period, if I fully knew what a "friend" even is... Im useless anyway.. just a lonely piece of sh*t emo fa**ot & I hope I die soon.. I deserve to die & go to hell.. Soon as hes fully "done" with me via some sort of proof or reaction or even if it takes too long.. I won't be around for much longer.. hope my heart stops in my sleep, nothing of value was lost.. when I die no one will even care let alone, KNOW...

There is nothing more humans can say or do to me.. all been done, & im on my last days.. magic wands don't exist, miracles don't exist, nothing exists cause I don't exist.. hopeless garbage..

 

Between the first & second paragraph there was another small paragraph & a link thats already been typed by me over a month ago.. marking the day I gave up.. & explaining "a lot".. course it was moderated & I don't even have the energy to attempt to paste the content of the link in here (its huge + will need a million edits to satisfy mods) so if you "care" to see it ask in a PM or something...

 

@Filip But thats you.. you're not the one that was clearly born with failed DNA & probably whatever else is wrong with me, just cause you survived "depression" or whatever you call it, doesn't mean I will or can or that I even have the same thing.. You think always being braced is "bad"? Try not being braced & still having the constant same result, since you used an aircraft reference.. theres a brace position before crash landing for a reason & it can & has saved lives. When the inevitable is here which in the case of this example is a crash landing, all you can do is brace.. if anything it reduces the torture even by <0.5%..

Its not a matter of "if" for anything of me.. its "when" things go wrong.. except I don't have "greener pastures", I never did.. the fact that you can even talk like that shows the large difference between your current or past situation & the situation/torture I was born in.. BORN IN, this is all I know its not like I was better at ANY given time to even have a reference to compare to with myself..

Being trapped in my room is the only place I can be.. I can hardly walk at times, I can hardly breathe at times, im about to explode & its questionable that I already have.. just coming up to the second & last time that'll finish me off. I hate sports & they involve humans around me.. there is no where for me to go as I said, NO WHERE.. I can't even work anymore. There is nothing to "reconnect" me with the world.. cause I never had a connection in the first place.. this is the most common point where im never believed which only builds on it more & ya...



@pinklov3ly Ya..? Its not "hard" its "impossible" & don't tell me nothing is impossible that statement is old & generic & also builds on me more.. & im not "choosing" to do none of this to myself in response to your "what you're doing to yourself is unhealthy".. I deserve sh*t, I deserve to be beyond abused, abandoned, tortured, walked on, & utterly destroyed clearly since thats all I ever had & beyond.. what my vocabulary can even describe. Nothings wonderful about me.. my hair is ugly, my face is ugly & im unattractive.. unless someone is thinking with their di*k like everyone does anyway & not their heart, but thats cause humans don't have a heart.. I can't give up hope, when I never had any or been shown what hope is..

Its beyond my family not accepting me.. everything with them is already OVER I know absolutely nothing about them, zero.. not even my own ethnicity.. it was all over with them the first & last time I saw them, lasted 1 week.. I think "positive" what happens? You know the answer.. the same sh*t or I wouldn't of been this destroyed & about to walk off a bridge. I don't even really know what this "positive" & "negative" means anyway all I know is "one way" of thinking whatever you would classify that into in human terms.. think "positive" what do I get just the same torture & a crush that less than notices me.. & I still give him a good morning almost every day.. till he gets rid of me or I drop dead.

Simple to say "go out & meet someone".. I been through & been through as in some sort of communication ranging from 3 words on a screen to attempted meet or meeting 2 times, something, with.. get ready for this. Every single person in my city on all the major dating sites/iPhone apps combined.. yes you read that right. Im less than a piece of sh*t to humanity & everyone knows it.. no wonder my pathetic hopeless heart is about to fail.. everything is a "dream" to me, even a hand to hold as I play PS2 with someone is a dream.. & even that, ill never have.. let alone like the image on the upper right on the main emptyclosets.com page.. every time I look at it.. about to put a knife in me.. I don't have a life ahead of me, I never had a life period..

---------- Post added 20th Nov 2012 at 10:45 PM ----------

Well here is the content from the link I said earlier.. removed yet the other links that were in it filtered ugly words.. filtered names of dating sites/apps.. should be fine for mods better be... want to see those links removed below then PM or something (theres a lot in them). Again yes all typed by me, hardly scratches the surface, STILL.. was typed on Oct 8, 2012 & is quite... dated now.. as it doesn't include the very last person to try for.. Colt.. but was described already above..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well why am I even typing this.. I don't know.. I guess after all 2.2 decades straight of utter torture & beyond what I can even find a word to describe right now is the reason. Which is faced with a roadblock already.. if I'm even believed. Its probably pointless to try make these statements "clear" but they're getting said anyway.. (you may catch on as to WHY, later in this)


-> Nothing about this or me, is "exaggurated"..
-> "Examples" used aren't just made up, they are REAL examples, that have been done to me countless times & still done till this day
-> No I'm not "playing with you", every single thing is real & isn't just "the past", its the present as well.. this is all truth as mind boggling as it is to any typical human being..
-> There is more.. much more.. more than much more, to comprehend how much more there is try comprehending the size of the universe like I exampled for you below..



I had to play certain songs quite loud in the headphones, on repeat, just to be able to have this tiny fraction be able to come out.. such as:

-The Catalyst by Linkin Park
-Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
-What I've Done by Linkin Park
-Castle of Glass by Linkin Park
-Let Down by Dead By Sunrise
-Let Go by Red
-Let it Burn by Red
-Take by Breath Away by Berlin
-I like It by Enrique Iglesias (in loving memory of MM as you will see below, its his #1 song)
-Never Too Far From Home which is a Pokemon soundtrack

Go on try & attack me using the types of music I like now.. its already been done. For those that may even like this type of music, look at the lyrics & you'll see why these songs are golden for me.


Where do I begin, or how.. with 100% of a "life" being nothing but all this its hard to say there was or to pick a beginning.. The worst day in history when an unimaginable "crime" was committed called a crime against humanity, the day I was born in Q3 of 1990. Why do I call it that? Cause of the value I never had, the treatment I constantly receive from humans, all of them, every, single, one. From the moment of birth till this second, its like Im an alien & don't belong on this planet.. well I don't period. Even though this is indended to attempt to at least reach the 10% mark of "everything" with me, it probably won't, try 4%. The scale, the magnitude of the damage that never stops is beyond comprehension, let me help you..

The speed of light is 186,000 miles PER SECOND, thats 669,600,000 miles per hour, of the fastest movement possible in the universe. Now it takes traveling at that speed, for 8 entire minutes, to reach our sun. Our Milky Way Galaxy is about 100,000 light years across, it would take moving at the speed of light, all 669,600,000 miles per hour, for 100 THOUSAND YEARS to cross just our galaxy. Is that too much distance for you to comprehend? I'm not done yet, the approx size of the universe is 14 BILLION light years across.. you get it now don't you? Moving at the speed of light for 14, BILLION, years, to reach "the edge of space", & thats if we could pause it's expansion. Almost no one can comprehend that large of a distance, fully comprehending the damage done to me.. dwarfs that example above, dwarfs it.

What may appear to any "normal" person as insignificant "parts of life, deal with it" moments could be when they're isoloated, & happening to a general human. But when everything that can happen WILL & DOES happen, since forever, on purpose all be humans.. then the path is instantly set with the doors locked, to be obliterated in slow.. slow torture. Now that I said that you're probably thinking how I'm "choosing this & choosing that", "life is what you make of it" & all that sh*t, or simply laughing at it which is also fine. After all, I don't exist, just whats left of a wrecked soul spending most of his last hope trying to spill onto text that no one will read, let alone fully read & let alone on top of that, care.. & last but not least.. PROVE they "care". There is nothing new that you or any human can say or do to me, "its all been done/said before" & the more you say you're different, the more you are the same as the rest, the more you insist & insist & yet keep insisting, to try & weaken my "defenses" means the more you are THE SAME as the rest. My accuracy rate with that so far? 100%. Left to freeze to death, left to bleed to death in school, beaten on (well beyond the classic "bullying, its normal deal with it" fu*king SH*T!), abandoned, slowly starving, lied to, lead on, never loved ever by anyone & when I say "never" & "anyone", I FU*KING MEAN NEVER & ANYONE! Includes the two that gave birth to me & the family I never had, now resuming the list.. pointed at, laughed at, embarrassed in every way, hated, wished to die by cancer & other means by people & much more I can't even think of anymore, the list is endless. In every way imaginable AND, unimagineable. You can't say or do anything to me that hasn't been done already & I mean it..

I don't know what a "family", or "friends" are let alone mean.. maybe a vague idea but thats it. I try to think of those two words (along with many others the list is endless) & tears just flow.. I saw the rest of my family aside from my parents that are no different than the rest, in 1999 for the first & last time.. not by choice as you are probably screaming in your head thinking I'm "doing this" to myself or some fu*king garbage, wrong. They hated my guts on sight & didn't care about me, I didn't exist to them & nothing changed their minds, ever.. just a 9 yr old tortured child wanting to see his & learn what a family is.. further stepped & trampled on by his supposedly "own kind".. My parents knew, & acted like nothing wrong happened.. even crying on the Greyhound bus back, meant nothing to them. Just generic replies like "oh its not that bad, you're still on the same planet as them, grow out of it" & the like.. A 9 YR OLD SON BEING STEPPED ON BY HIS OWN "FAMILY"..... to be slapped in the face & heart again & again by his own parents about it like anything else said to them.. Little did they know about what they were contributing to.. inside of their own son as he gets devoured by a.. "thing" created by humans, more much more than a black hole. Whenever I try to think of "friends" I imagine other caring souls, hearts, together.. & for some reason the image of school especially hot high school guys always together. Together for any & everything everywhere, in school, out of, on the bus, sleeping over.. like in the movies but real. Something I never had or will, I was always the big sh*t in school.. humans even went out of their way to ensure I stay trapped in turmoil & then some.. & I have physical proof & scars for just how bad it got, I was hunted & abused like a wild animal with a disease. Not to mention all the times they would intentionally pretend to be a "friend" & start liking me, inviting me to the "popular guys' lunch table" etc, just to heavily embarrass me as much as possible for the times I fell for it. Ranging from locking me outside in -30c & getting the entire class to laugh as I freeze, to randomly creating fake statements about me & yelling them to eachother & laughing at me at the lunch table I was "invited" at, to shaking the climbing rope ladder thing in gym class to try make me fall when I was near the top, fallen the wrong way I could of been killed.. course all this is behind the teachers' back & the times it wasn't, they try to tone it down to make it look like they're all joking with me, they were not. To basicly make me look like "the boy that cried wolf". School in it's own is nearly endless too but it just can't all come out with words on a screen sorry.. it requires a heart beside me holding a hand to have any chance, what I'll never have.. In the end, what was done to me kept getting worse & worse, grades were never high & eventually didn't stay over 50% long enough so yes as you probably guessed long ago, I didn't graduate. Literially tortured out of school, it wouldn't of made any difference if I did drop out, could of saved myself just that little bit of extra damage if I did.. but then the parents & their threats.. If you think "thats it??" for school then think again, you'll quickly realize in person if you so ask, that hardly touched the surface & thats just with the school part nothing before or after so don't try to use that as your reason to contribute to torture & blow me off.. as I said, all been said & done before. Regardless of failing to get a fu*king piece of paper humans call a diploma, which ISN'T EVERYTHING, I apparently am very intelligent & above average. Every single person that manages to survive long enough to actually prove themself & meet, says it every single time. I comprehend many things that some stuck up, "taking everything for granted party whore university kid" ever does & THAT HAS BEEN SAID TO ME ORIGNALLY, not from me. No one guessed or believed me when I said I only have grade 11, I guess thats the only good thing about not believing a single letter I say.. To end the part about school.. a certain someone that pretended to be a "friend" for 7 years, exploiting me after exploit, purposely broke the only vehicle I'll touch let alone own in my life.. How do you even still be around him? Hes in the same fu*king house as me.. why are you there? WHERE ELSE WILL I LIVE? All I can say to that seperate story on its own here is that its, "in person only"..

I'll predict you, prove you wrong, & in the end.. further prove myself what I already know, that I'm less than a piece of fu*king sh*t. You been warned.. do not lie to me, do not "stall" a meetup or a reply, odd meetup locations/directions (& I KNOW Winnipeg its my city so don't try that on me), with how much suffering & scars my mind/soul has, its no wonder they're this sharp.. & I'm not saying I'm the smartest like Einstein so save it, like chemistry, I hardly know anything of it.. & sure my spelling/grammar in this.. mini explaination of torture.. isn't 100%. For "daily common sense".. actually treat me like an actual human being & it'll be fine but thats never happened so..! I could give someone a large 500 word text reply about whatever, usually about what the person means to me & how a person is a person & deserves to be treated like one & 99% of the time I'd just get a "K", some other single word response, or 3 periods "...", or of course.. absolutely nothing. Always I'm the hardest hello & easiest goodbye.

There is several dates (as of periods in time) burned into me forever.. but the two most strong ones in order if I had to pick, is 9/14/2011 & 12/6/2011 with 8/8/2012 pulling a close third. Number 1.. 9/14/2011 you'll hear it a lot.. if I ever had a remote chance in any way, shape or form, it all ended then. Aug 27 2011 ~ Sept 14 2011.. on the garbage site that is M****** there was someone there.. I just unlocked my pictures to him as I've just about given up on being the first one to say anything to a human anymore.. all it does is result in what I already know, that I'm trash.. after some replies & getting to the part of proof & meeting, he said "I'm sort of seeing someone, but we'll still meet", right there I might as well start trying to brace to be hopeless again.. he did meet, at the specified place, on time on 8/27/2011, still bracing inside.. as after at the time 21 years straight of torture, the proof of my valueless existence is coming.. That day ended with him taking me to a restaurant for the first time (for me to go to one with someone), he had hundreds of $ of giftcards to use on them which was Boston Pizza, & especially that very location of it will haunt me forever & is part of the "in person only" part of me so it won't be said here.. he dated me.. on the spot.. (why I'm just a nobody anyway..) after that I said he can come back to my place if he wanted to (still
remembering what he said about seeing someone, waiting for the hopeless to hit any moment now) & he said yes, he also remembered where I am & how to get to me after just one time showing him.. without GPS. When we started to lay down & do something like putting our arms around eachother.. he found out the guy he was "sort of seeing" was the same guy that treated me like the usual sh*t & blew me off weeks ago before even meeting. He said the day before he met me (his initials is MM, I refuse to say his name here), MM went to his apartment like he was told to & wait for the guy to get home, MM never got a reply back ever since & completely dropped him since then since he found out.. & that guy deserved it for treating another person like that. Since that first day till 9/14/2011 I can't say much about with words on a screen.. like I said.. If I ever had any remote chance to stand up for the first time, it was now with MM.. but. "That thing" humans created inside of me to ensure torture finally managed to do it's thing on.. 9/14/2011.. during the usual Dairy Queen since he likes their ice cream, soon as we sat down.. MM said "I have good news & bad news".. & since that moment till this day I still don't fully remember what happened besides instant tears for hours & really, forever on top of the already overflowing bathtub.. I instantly knew what was about to happen, don't ask me how I know I just know, I have senses.. just like straight out of the Hollywood movies, he's going to move away. 5 seconds later, "I got the job I really want, but its in Regina", I.... *insert next 10 paragraphs here* I.. no words can describe, only in person.. that was the last time I saw him.. forever.. He said they, the company that hired him wanted him to stay on the coming Monday, Monday was 9/19/2011.. my fu*king worthless birthday.. which since then & especially that one, is even more torturous & worthless if it was possible to become anymore so. The very next day.. 9/15/2011 I was going to bring (back) up something he asked a few days earlier.. on the 15th he wasn't here... the last things ever said was uttering a hopeless "I love you" &.. he said it back. Gone.. just gone now.. if there was any chance... gone.. since then the "backup brakes" on the runaway train have burnt off.. & they were already, not doing anything what so ever to slow it. "That thing" humans created to further destroy me.. reminding me that I don't exist.. on his birthday 4/30/2012 something else happened via Facebook & 2 other "middle men" that I can't even say here(which then opens the door to the entire Facebook wave of torture FROM those 2 "middle men" to incomprehensible levels" I.. can't even describe it but I have proof..) I.. I can't say anything else about MM here besides.. I pray for him.. every night, as I silently burst into even more tears typing this. I love you.. even if you don't & I know he doesn't.. Oh & he didn't pressure, hint at or even ask about sex or below the belt or even slowly move hands down there, NOTHING. None of that "how big are you? Why don't you want sex? How long till you would want sex?" etc sh*t, if anyone could be perfect about that, it was also him.. just saying. I love you... MM...

The second & last date I can say here is 12/6/2011. I will try to keep this one short as most of it is "in person only".. The first time he spoke to me on P** was much earlier even before MM above, but he was in Steinbach.. & failing to respect my profile which clearly said how you MUST be near my location aka IN Winnipeg.. as if you're not the usual method of blow off will be "I always have to come to you bla bla" &.. blown off with the finger pointed at me.. he insisted (remember what I said at the start about insisting?) on how he comes to the city almost every day which I heard before.. it ended with me saying what I usually have to say now to humans, "prove yourself & what you say then" which is always replied to with a "how?".. almost a red flag right there, how ELSE would you PROVE YOURSELF to someone thats so scarred hes nearly dead?! YOU MEET THE PERSON!! That never happened for a long time, months as he went silent out of no where like one of the most common "methods" humans use on me.. Months later he came back to me saying how "I" blew him off & garbage, once I showed him proof of what was really said he gave in & said it was his fault & he wasn't "thinking straight" (how many have said that now..?) & what not, I just silently went with it. Skipping ahead a little.. After a mere 2 weeks after meeting
& the usual claiming & even temporary acting like he (initals DH) cares, saying how much "I really like you" etc it nearly.. well it DOES, happen.. again.. What happens again? Repeat of MM leaving.. yes you read that right, when you don't exist since birth, its blow after blow never any heal time & by blow after blow I mean up to 12, TWELVE blow offs in a 24hr period which is a record. After DH saying how hes moving to the city once his mother & step father finalize, on the day hes supposed to finally move ("it should be in a couple days" turned into MONTHS quickly) he says he got a response letter from Canada's Got Talent saying he didn't make auditions, he apparently seems to change the entire thing & want to move to.. yes Regina.. out of all places. The same city as MM just so I rot that much more, & they don't know eachother either.. after collapsing over HUNDREDS of texts that can't be said here, in person only shown at request, it suddenly at first appearance to any "normal" human, to me it was a warning to brace even harder, to fix itself.. On the day he was supposed to leave a text came from him saying "I'm not leaving, I can't. I was too selfish to see what I had here right in front of me, you." It'll probably anger you to know I didn't fully believe that, plus I was still trying to register what I just read but I have my senses.. & to this date their accuracy is, 100%. He did stay, I saw (as in physically, no dates) him again, I burst in tears almost instantly.. but now after only 1 week.. "it" had to come any moment now & it did.. if you were seeing the evidence in my phone right now (in person only, I am too damaged to say it here), is the latter 2/3 of the entire history for DH.. a week later what he did now, dwarfed the first tragedy involving him.. since he canceled his "run away" to Regina (or did he..) again on the day hes supposed to move into Winnipeg, a text comes from him after I follow up on a reply as he started being suspicious with the way he was replying & durations between replies, he simply says "I witnessed a murder". I don't exactly remember what I said without going back to find it in the history which I won't just for this.. cause if someone "cares" about literially saving someone.. they'll actually meet & only then is it possible for them to again "care" enough to want to get the full details on "everything".. I say it went both ways, half didn't believe fu*king sh*t about it, & the other half was shaking as it was also possible it did happen.. my hopelessness spreading onto others to try harm them now.. He said how he & his sister & mother & step father were all in a police station for protection until they get transported to the Witness Protection Program @ an unknown location later that evening. After some days nothing changes, if its even real I'm at least pleased they're safe.. Starting now it starts moving downhill what a surprise.. a few days after hes supposedly in the WPP & previously saying the officer would have to hold his phone for safety reasons, I phone it & turn off my caller ID, he answered.. as stuttery as my words were from the half of me believing this sh*t I don't remember what I said to him, but he was very shocked to know it was me & not realizing it at the time, I actually tricked him into saying he answered cause it said "Blocked Caller" on his Blackberry but that didn't register with me till months later after its all exploded.. Remembered some of what I said I asked why he still had his phone he said he can use it but has to watch what he says & that its monitored by the police, okay fine.. that was the first part of my investigation. Now when a different guy goes on showing me by his choice not my request, who he spoke with on P**, he reaches the profile of DH supposedly in WPP.. he shows me how hes been hitting on him (the other guy, which is someone else entirely & of course blew me off & walked on me later like the rest) & the dates don't add up. Dates of messages sent are much past when hes not supposed to be on a computer on a dating site when you're under the WPP.. the next day that other guy then sends a disturbing screenshot, & I still have all this to this day, of DH wanting to meet with him at any time he wants. At that moment it was already over but I tried to not believe it, trying to hope maybe hes saying that stuff cause an officer is telling him to or his profile was being used by an officer.. nope. As the other guy thought he looked ugly & didn't like him, he demanded DH to tell me the truth which was.. a "prank".. that entire event was a prank to someone who claimed to like me more than anything else.. I.. *inset 8 paragraphs here*.. on 12/6/2011 my phone vibrated & it was DH, calling to apologize for what he did.. saying "I know it went on way too long & way too far.. but.." then I interrupted him at the "but", my soul was screaming & shaking.. he said he did it cause & I quote, "cause my friends told me to"!! I said do you always do what your "friends" tell you to, especially to someone like me (torture at that time which is nothing compared to now, which he knew of etc)? He replied.. "well they're my friends & I knew them since I was a kid", do not remember what my soul & mind said to him after that but it didn't last long, I ended up telling him off & hanging up in the most tears second to 9/14/2011.. The rest after this point is "in person only".. & yes that was bigger & longer than I wanted it to be..

Its mind boggling how huge this is already.. & all it is was a light scratch on school, the #1 9/14/2011 event & #2 12/6/2011 event, 3 things.. out of.. ∞ & I'm serious about that ∞. Don't think this is only about those but I know you will most likely want to use that false perception to attack me with.. those are just the two strongest dates burned into me forever & thats if I HAD to pick.. really all of them are equal, there is no "better torture" than just, torture. But think, assume, & point fingers as you wish.. that alone only helps contribute to building it even more.. & you know it. If & thats a huge "if", you have SUBSTANCE & a HEART, your senses will be directing you already & what do I mean by "directing you"? You probably know what I mean if you think about it, I'll leave that one up to you.. I even have another much smaller tiny failure of an "explaination" that I have stored, that gets said at the appropriate timing hense the way it starts, whats the point retyping it here when I can just show you.. So yes its pre-typed & copy/pasted now, & its ACCURATE, depending how you & I started "talking" you may of heard this already, but only this:

===========================================================================================================================================================

""see u dont know.. beyond comprehension.. its not some "single life".. i have & had NOTHING since birth.. NO ONE to ever simply play n64 or something with, no one to sit & have a pizza with or drinks or sleep over with or even be shown what this "hugs" & "cuddles" are.. no friends no family, never loved before, not out, NO ONE to open out TO, no one to give a or Xmas present to & i would starve myself of quarter decent food even more to be able to afford even a flower for another living person cause they are a person.. NO ONE to do anything with, go anywhere with, laugh with whatever laughing really is.. no proof by ANYONE that they can do what they fu*king SAY or that they care.. even lay down & watch a movie with.. & BEYOND much more... again NO ONE in ANY WAY for ANYTHING since i was born... FLAT NOTHING to beyond comprehension.. every square inch of this planet is a threat & only exists to TEAR ONE APART, slowly & painfully like if 10 lions attacked & chewed on u but didnt kill u right away.. whats left of my heart even skips beats..the "u must have or had someone that.. etc.." doesnt apply it NEVER did.. at. all. just a piece of garbage to every human on this planet, every as in EVERY NO EXCEPTIONS includes the family that blew me off as a 9yr old child 5 days seeing them first & last...no one knows what kind of TORTURE humans can do to another trying to be living thing.. self raised/raised by PEOPLE all by what they did & do to a soul that just wanted to be like any other... even in one single way... that cried & rotted to be with his family even after they saw me as a dead rat on the road.. same result no matter what this soul tried to do always kicked & then kicked again before it could ever learn to half way stand up.. then trampled like if u wondered into a elephant stampede then left there bleeding(& yes i been literialy left to bleed to death by humans), suffering & trying to call for.. someone, something anything.. thats never there to hear u...""

& the other part of it for good measure..:

""suffering.. its incomprehensible what humans.. people can do to one "cause they can".. ive been less than a "human being" since the day i was born by every single soul on this planet, hopeless torture to incomprehensible levels on all levels.. that is not an exaggeration but im never believed anyway its just a "joke" to everyone & they all contribute to it more as im just a blowoff.. dont even know what words like "friends, family, hugs, cuddle" & more even mean.. no one has ever meant anything towards me & mean ANY & EVERYthing.. completely substanceless with meaningless words & no actions no proof of themself.. u probably wont give a slight sh*t so ill stop now.. its impossible to comprehend the never ending torture i get for decades especially with words on a screen..""

===========================================================================================================================================================


It just gets worse & no one realizes what they're doing by saying garbage like this, & much more,

-"be the change you want to see"
-"debbie downer"
-"pity party"
-"negative negative you're too negative!"
-"you call this torture?"
-"I have no family too.. & only 1 real friend"
-"not falling for your trap"
-"you just want to play the blame game"
-"drama queen"

What the fu*k do you think that will & does do to someone who was born blindfolded, with arms & legs chained together & being beaten around..? Sorry I guess my vocabulary isn't big enough to find a descriptive word to describe myself or should I say whats left of it.. or maybe that just cause I'm the single beyond comprehensible one that is virutally undescribeable. Pointing a finger & calling someone something similar to the above quoted statements only makes him worse.. like a threatened abused cat, they take in all that energy, magnify it, & throw it right back at you! Hes beyond wrecked & tortured & hanging onto theoretical "life" by a thread and.. no help..? Course not just more treatment that yet again intensifies it.. then more, & more & you humans wonder what happened to me... humans ARE, what happened to me.. If that isn't bad enough its even worse when I get those that say something like,

-"well if I didn't care I wouldn't be still talking to you would I?"
-"I'm interested in you"
-"of course I would want to meetup you really need it"
-"well I'm different & I can say you just need to find better people to be around"

& much more of course, really now?! When NO ONE means ANYTHING of what they said like the examples above, just a silent block usually ON meetup day, or a sudden change of mind overnight with something like "well if you were a little less negative" etc or & quite possibly the most common, "I'm busy how about in X days or weeks".. then they'll say it again the last example I'm busy, then again, then again for eternity if I don't tell him off. His response? "well people get busy we have lives" & the like, trying to sugar coat it.. if you're "so busy" why are you on G*****/P**/M******/S**** MORE than I am huh?! Or the cancellation of a meetup excuse with "well sorry my friends/family want me to go to X town for the weekend" etc, when the person sits online on lets say G*****, for the entire duration they mentioned, still showing 7 miles distance.. I GUESS YOU SHOULD FU*KING LOG OFF AT LEAST IF YOU'RE TRYING TO "OUTWIT" ME..?! Even turning off distance don't work cause you're profile is still positioned in distance order, I'll look at the profile to the left & right of you, boom I know your distance again. Or just don't lie in the first place? Its not like I'm "stalking" or something its a basic app feature thats helping me confirm your cover up story.. & yes the "stalker stalker! wtf!?" method was used against me too. Another good G***** method is that I now favorite everyone with an active chat, VERY EASY to see if/when they block whenever they "see fit". I'm on to you.. sorry I keep remembering more & more as I go on. A more recent action G***** a**holes seem to be doing now with me is silently blocking me when I'm offline & get this, then UNBLOCKING me, just to clear the chat history like I wouldn't notice. Why would someone honest, truthful, with a heart & substance do that? They don't. Which is the second reason for my "favorites method" it catches that & the block WILL break off the favorite, they're profile will be back in distance order below, with history cleared. Usually then I would either A) shove it right down they're throat on the spot or B) attempt to contiune on making them think I didn't realize, to gather more proof (screenshots) THEN, shove it down their throat, fu*king a**holes!! Can't forget about the random "going silent" for weeks/months on end then talking to me again acting like we never talked before. No one believes what is done to me in any way shape or form.. & I suppose my pictures don't help all humans (gay/bi) see is a guy with anywhere between a decently hot body to super hot body that is just... wrecked as far as not knowing what "hugs/cuddles" are, well its truth you fu*king heartless whatever they are! They will believe me after screenshots, & some actually do believe it after much stuff gets spilled.. they are literially speechless at the end usually ending with "I don't know what to say you're right all my somewhat called problems are fixed now after I read that, I would be dead if that was my life treatment or I don't know how I could help.. that is beyond comprehension indeed but I got most of it". Then vanish away via blocking me or ignoring & further contributing to it like the rest in the end anyway.. THAT SURELY HELPED! See.. the usual.. couldn't "care" enough to show me what these "hugs/cuddles" are..? Guess its hard to do that to someone that doesn't exist which is what you're PROVING to me more & more after every blow off.. Theres more, much more than all this.. like that one that spent almost $1000 on me cause hes rich, still to blow me off.. & now for the few times he tried to talk to me again, attempts to use that time he spent all that money on me against me, endless literially endless. Right now this is about 3% of "everything", tomorrow it'll be 2.5% of everything as it is ongoing since birth.. Everything said here & everything NOT SAID here. The same guy that spent that money on me even said & I quote, reading it off my phone right now,

"Yes your way too intelligent to see past this. But your also too intelligent to let anyone close and be your friend"

That arose near the final "end" with him aka blow off, after he ignored me by reading my message & not responding for a meetup later in the day he wanted SO BAD. He was in the middle of his plea apology after he was called out on what he did, FOR THE 6TH TIME! Actually I had to force that apology from him too!!

Did I not say anything about the somewhat called "psychiatrist"? Guess that should be thrown in since this too is truth.. 2 visits.. the second one was cut short after about 5 minutes. What I was bracing for happened, I wasn't even believed.. the "psychiatrist" was literially speechless & even openly admitted the way he cures others' "issues" would only build on whats done to me & that anti-depressants would do absolutely nothing, was the only thing he was right about.. but once this gets said to anyone usually after they say "See an expert", *blocked* or similar, I'm really not believed but what am I supposed to say..? Its the hopeless truth.. even my own doctor doesn't believe me & just says "its your personality I can't do anything" helpful indeed... It probably is too late now beyond.. ruined. No matter what I do for any human, treat them as best as possible even if they already dumped everything on me that I'm a piece of sh*t that I know already, no living creature deserves to even breathe on this.. just me, clearly. I always wish every person before the block if possible so it's the last thing they see from me, that they are "happy", treated as a person & matter to at least one other out there.. sadly every single one that contributed to reducing me to this, is going to realize it later exactly what they've done.. how do I know? Cause its already started.. yes its already started.. how do I know that? Think about it for a while.. While on this part about the psychiatrist that made me worse, there was a guy on G***** that said he was into psychology, you would think someone thats studying psychology would be about about my "best bet" to be understood & not mistreated especially before even seeing me.. but you can't see who doesn't fu*king exist right? In the end, not, & I knew it, how? Cause its BEYOND COMPREHENSION, he was so bad at it trying to hurt me more to the max, I went back & took some proof of the history before he hides it (& he did! via the block/unlock method said above) & gave it to the heartless, substanceless human he is.. If you so "care" to see the part where he blew me off then ask for it as I still have it as I said I'm loaded with proof now as I'm never believed.. fu*k I'm still not even believed with it. ONLY in person the chances for that rise.. (& still blown off which contributes). Well here it is, links in order, images in order the same way you read words on paper plus they're numbered at the bottom left of each image. He was sent the same copy, & to this day.. hes still on G***** too, I'm just "waiting for it now".. when he'll eventually speak to me again trying to apologize (remember when I said they all eventually realize exactly what they did/contributed to towards me?)..

[first link here]

[second link here]

Again.. this is already beyond comprehension & I'm even trying to rush as I type cause really.. I don't exist whats the point, no one is there, I'm a nobody & when I look at whatever dating app again I'll probably be opening it up to more human treatment if not blocks, & DON'T YOU FU*KING GOD DAMN THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT DATING APPS! CAUSE ITS THOSE *AND* EVERYTHING ELSE BEFORE & AFTER. Only DH (guy from 12/6/2011 mentioned above) managed to some how take it to a whole new level with using murder as a "joke" to blow off & torture me.. & it was since him where I said theres nothing new humans could do to me "its all been said & done".. that still holds true to this second. But no matter what I say or try to explain.. humans will always find a way to try make their point valid.. the most common response to this entire thing assuming its fully read FIRST, will be the generic "hahaha what a joke, you call that torture? well you can't just go around blaming" etc.. call it what you want if that makes you feel better you contributed to wrecking whatever I am.. then do it. If I'm even "wanted" it'll just be for sex/below the belt.. to attempt to "use" me even further.. like the rest. Sure looks are great & hot, when I'm turned on I'm not turned on to have sex or a BJ or oral/anal.. no one looks for a person with their heart.. probably cause well THEY DON'T HAVE ONE?! But with their eyes instead.. I attempted this before in mid Dec 2011 right after another event occured, that one was to Craigslist yes Craigslist, think what you want about that. At the time they apparently had a 40,000 character limit & I exceeded it by over 6500, after 6 hours of straight typing through the entire night, I ended up screenshotting it & storing it as images & send out that way. I had to post a neutered version of it on Craigslist ending it with something like "those who "care" or just want to laugh more respond to the ad & you'll get the rest in email via images". It was massive.. & says less than this (as its merged now with this, alone it actually would be a bit bigger) but in different words with more dates throughout the years mentioned & that is.. right below this with these links going downwards in order since you care so much after reading 30,000+ characters to read another 40,000+ worth of a.. "beyond ruined whiney looser".

[first link here]

[second link here]

[third link here]

[forth link here]

[fifth link here]

[sixth link here]


Don't mind the non 100% spelling & grammar.. I'll even try to fix it & update this in the way of adding MORE, for the sake of your reading.. "pleasure".. cause I'm a nobody just a slave at best. Never existed.. never loved.. never mattered.. valueless.. familyless.. friendless.. struggle for even decent food.. my birth was a crime against humanity.. no chance.. no hope.. 2.2 decades in a row of crying as silently as possible, shaking.. sweating everything.. yes even throwing up sometimes. Looking over all this.. I realize how much I left out.. just to "finish" it already.. no one will care anyway I'm an alien run for the hills already... If there is a "golden question" something along the lines of "why are you treated like this?" The answer is..

I
DON'T
KNOW

"Cause humans can".

I was born into this. If I could leave Earth to make it a happier place for you humans I would.. I don't belong here & I'm sorry.. As usual now I brace for more.. treatment, blowoffs & proof of what I already know.. THAT I DON'T EXIST & SHOULD DIE IN SOMETHING WORSE THAN A FIRE!! After 2.2 decades.. this is the beyond shattered remains of me.. I know how terrible this whole spillage was its flawed & missing so much its almost, actually I think it is.. now too much for describe not in person.. all this could be seen, heard & felt by the other actual caring human that will save me that doesn't exist, in about 1-2 hours.. Anyway I hope you all thrive off this.. people. Have me, what left of it. Born trapped in a lion's den with 50 of them in it, this is all I know, all I felt, all I seen, all I tasted, all I sensed, all I smelt, all I breathed... For a little something I'm tight lipped about period & said nothing of in any of this, I can see auras. Now pretend you didn't read that last sentence.

Torture, suffering, abused, threatened, scarred. Forever. I am not able to be "analyzed" or "understood" through a screen anyway.. despite all this, the defensive "temper", introvertness, & trauma.. if someone is "truely touched" thinking I'm the one they're so attracted to (everythings been done/said to me before remember) cause of this incomprehensible suffering, you'll prove it in person.. or you'll be the next one to try use "I only meet those who I understand" method to blow me off.. you don't understand someone or in my case, something, without.... nevermind.. bye now..

 

I have no reason to be in this world in the first place.. you want me to stay for what..? To have just that much more incomprehensible torture done to me..? Someone had to be the last one to try for.. before whats left of my defective heart & soul is finished.. & its him which of course would be a crush to me just cause.. Any time now im bound to get the silent delete on Steam or Skype.. or finally a reply to me, spilling how worthless I am & how he never liked me etc any moment now.. Then, thats it. Gave up, less than hopeless, don't exist to the same level as if my atoms were never created in this universe..

 

Any & everything that can be done has been.. why do you think there is utterly nothing left of me & im about to die? Have the best rechargeable battery on the planet it will still eventually no longer hold a charge no matter what you do.. I can't attend nothing I can hardly attend Superstore to get the tiny amount of food I can afford let alone the bus to bring it back.. not to mention any support group/meetings/get togethers.. Going to anything like that is just begging for instant suicide.. or if you don't believe me find some magic way to pressure me into it & only THEN, humans will know when it happens.. Thinking about even giving my crush an empty text that has nothing but the link to this thread.. to see what he means to this piece of sh*t like it'll do anything anyway...

My reason to be born was & is.... *insert whatever here*.. not even the two that created me gave any damn about their own offspring thats dying.. since I was born & they know it yes. Worthless garbage... belong in a morgue so I can actually experience "rest" for the first time..

 

No one quite.. like this failure right here.. all it takes is a tiny little difference & its hugely different in the end.

 

@MichaelD Hardly anything.. I just sit there & here in my room crying & doing nothing.. twitching.. going crazy.. loosing it.. waiting for a magic text to appear from him they'll never come..

@Mirko Fine im not a failure.. im beyond that beyond what words can describe.. WHat have I "tried"..? You asked..

-Caring & loving a person, fail
-Being there for someone, fail
-Holding my my poor job, fail
-Having someone to play games with, fail
-Thinking "positive", fail
-Pretending to be "happy", fail
-Pretending I even know how to "talk", fail
-Helping another in whatever way cause I can, fail
-Taking whatever "advise" one insists is correct, fail
-Being the one to "go to someone first" (FU*K IM IN THAT NOW, MY CRUSH!), fail!
-Offering any/everything to someone to help them, fail
-"Getting help" from a doctor, fail
-"Getting help" from a psychiatrist, fail
-The whole "forgive/forget" thing, fail
-Pretending I don't care, fail
-Smiling, fail
-Having anywhere to go just to "get out", fail
-Learning things like what "hugs/cuddles" are, fail
-Having "hope", fail
-Having a family, fail
-Simply not failing in any.. way.. possible, fail

More.. much more I can't even think of or find words for to descrigebe let alone even able to type cause braced, worked up, shaking cause the end is here ill never see anyone again ill never matter since I never did, ill never know what "hugs/cuddles" are, ill never have a family, ill never have decent food, ill never be loved let alone be liked, ill never know what "friends" are, ill never be able to sleep decently, ill never exist in the slightest way, ill never be able to leave my room, ill never know what its like to not be suffering to death, ill never know what "hope" is, ill never not be a piece of sh*t, ill never hold a hand that isnt my own, ill never have a birthday that means anything, ill never have a holidays or xmas that means anything but the most torturous period of the year, ill never have a heart that can not stop skipping beats until it can't beat anymore.. ill...

 

Unanswerable.. cause theres no one beside me & no one would do that anyway & there will never be anyone there as there never was.. That question just can't compute inside me.. its worse than dividing by zero.

 

Wave a magic wand.. which doesn't exist.. cause I don't exist. Only one way to prove anything to me anymore & it is obvious what it is.. also obvious it'll never happen before im in a grave yard..