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Here's why I need support....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nolarn2bcop, Nov 20, 2012.

  1. nolarn2bcop

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I'm really struggling right now. Haven't been in a relationship for a long time. I've been in love with a friend, my next door neighbor for over a year. She lives on the other side of my wall in a double. I told her how I felt about her last year and it hurt our friendship. We are since back friends and closer than we've ever been. I felt hurt for a long time and I told her back in February of this year that I no longer had feelings for her anymore. Now it appears that she has feelings for me. I have been tormented all year with this. She keeps getting close to me and then getting scared and running away.

    I got tired of it and started trying to avoid her as much as possible. Something happened in late September and she made a 360 degree turn. We have been spending so much time together and really enjoying each other and getting to know each other on a level that we never have before. She is 23 years older than me and amazing. She is beautiful, smart, sophisticated and we are so alike. She is everything I've always wanted. She has identified as straight her whole life but isn't interested in men and hasn't dated them in a long time. People try and set her up and she refuses. She gets frustrated because her mom seems to pressure her about it and she said that isn't what she wants and that's not going to change.

    When we spend time together we end up touching a lot. She stands really close to me. We hug a lot and when we do it's a full contact full body hug. She'll sit really close to me on the couch watching tv and I've had my arm around her before in doing so. We bring each other coffee in the morning and we just take care of each other in general. When kissed on the cheek the other day when we hugged and it was electric. She has made some comments to me that are indicating that she may be in the process of coming out. That process was hard enough for me in my late 20s but it has to be 50 times harder at her age-63.

    I have issues with abandonment from prior relationships and I always panic that she's going to run from me again. I feel like tug o war on my heart. It's so hard for me to smile and be confident when I feel like crying because I'm afraid. I'm trying so hard to be patient with her possible feeling overwhelmed about what's going on. I'm trying to imagine how she feels and keep that in mind. It's just so hard because I'm a highly sensitive person and highly empathic and she is too. I love her so much and all I want to do is take care of her for the rest of her life.
     
  2. Jim1454

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    What a lovely and heart warming, while at the same time heart breaking post.

    If only life were easier - and we knew what others were thinking.

    I know it's scary, but it might be time to have a conversation with her again about what you think is going on, and what she thinks is going on, and what you'd both like to see going on. It's really the only way to really resolve this.

    Good luck!
     
  3. nolarn2bcop

    Regular Member

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    Thanks for the response. I just sent her off for Thanksgiving. She'll be about an hour and a half away. We had lunch together before she left. We kissed on the cheek again before she pulled away. Unfortunately I can't talk with her yet. I had to leave the ball in her court. The talk has to be initiated by her. She requires "baby steps". She had a huge talk with her mother last weekend and she told me she let out some things that needed to come out but she couldn't talk about it with me yet. She's made some comments to be this week that make me believe she's trying to tell me something and out of the blue she told me she's ready to cut her hair off really short. That's the first thing I did when I came out, to help me identify as lesbian.

    I have to hold back and be patient with her and move at her pace so she doesn't get scared but it took all that was in me not to tell her I loved her today. I want nothing more than to take care of her for the rest of her life.