Hello everyone, I've found myself in a bit of a pickle, and I'm not quite sure how to proceed, much less how to think. I've had a long, emotional relationship track record. A couple of years ago, I found myself engaged to my girlfriend of over two years, until she came out to me and told me that she was gay. I wasn't heartbroken for me so much as I was for her. She was a wreck. She hated being gay and she couldn't admit it to herself. I tried my best to support her, but things didn't work out. We had a large fight, and have since ceased all contact. Since then I've been going from girl to girl, never quite finding the same kind of love I had with her. Then, my family got some exchange students. One from China and one from Spain. We all got along amazingly, three brothers. But Raul, the Spanish one, and I began to fool around quite a lot, much to the dismay of the Chinese one. We'd grab and grope each other just to freak him out or as a laugh, and for a while, it didn't mean much of anything. Also, being from Spain, he likes kissing on cheeks a lot. Doing this often, I felt a bit strange about it, so one day, a bit drunk, I kissed him on the mouth. In my head I was trying to show him how weird it felt, and this was how my drunk mind decided to do it. Instead of things cooling down, they intensified. Our fooling around got more serious, our kissed continued, no longer on cheeks. Eventually things got a bit more sexual, and I ended up following him back to Spain for a few months. We fought hard, and often, and we ended up breaking up and I came back home. Throughout all of this, Craig, my best friend, was the only one that knew about Raul and I. And he was an invaluable help. I didn't understand what was going wrong with me. As far as I knew, I had then, and always previously had, liked girls. But obviously something was going on with Raul, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Though, that didn't stop me. He was the first person I connected with since my girlfriend, and I loved him very much. Where that love stopped, I didn't know, but I did want him in my life and seemed to feel something for him. It was very confusing, but Craig helped me every step of the way. After returning home, Raul and I "made up," sort of. He was acting a lot nicer now, and more compassionate and emotional. Emotions weren't normally his thing and him starting it after I was gone hurt, but I was glad he could open up. (Though neither of us ever opened up or talked about what went on when it did.) He started sending me heartfelt messages and poems. It was incredibly strange, coming from him. But a nice surprise. He has made comments about wanting to get back together. We've been on very good terms ever since, though I don't know the next time I'll ever get to see him. Last night, though, entered another twist. Craig, came out, crying to me, that he was gay. Feeling for him, I offered to let him stay over and he spent the night curled up in my arms talking about how he felt and secrets he never told anyone. Honestly, listening to the way he spoke and laid with me, I believe he has some feelings for me. He seemed very jealous of Raul, and hoped that what we were doing was ok, and that I wasn't cheating on Raul. I told him not to worry about it, and we feel asleep as the sun rose. All of this, compounded with the other problems in my life, is a bit overwhelming. I'm at a loss for words, actions, and thoughts. I don't know what to tell Craig, I don't know what to do with Raul, and how to feel about either of them, or men in general. Truth-be-told, I could just really, really use some insight, advice, and maybe a good slap. Thank you all for reading through this, and I look forward to any help that can be offered.
That's a bit of a predicament there. Do you like Craig at all as more than a friend or could you see it developing into anything now that you know he is gay? Would you ever be able to have something with Raul since he lives in another country? I understand he is your first "guy-love" and is probably pretty special to you, but if it's not possible for you guys to have a relationship in the near future anytime soon, then I'd leave the door open a bit and see what else is out there, not just for Craig, but other guys as well that might catch your interest.
Wow that does seem like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I'm not sure what advice would actually be helpful to you at the moment because I dont think any of you have a good grasp on situation and what everything means. There arent any signs through our journeys in life that tell us what our feelings literally mean. Feelings are feelings, whether they are toward women or men, they are no different. It seems obvious that there is something there with you and men. To what extent, only you can know. I would say for now it is safe to say that you are most likely atleast bisexual. What you will have to do is sit down and actually ask yourself, what your trully are inside. You have the answer inside, you just have to pull it out. As far as the two guys, I wouldnt advice getting back together with the guy in Spain, until you are certain of everything. Certain of who you have feelings for. Certain of who you want to be with. Ultimately, it all comes down to a lot of soul searching and a bit of decision making. The answers are always right in your face, you just have to allow yourself to see them. Overall, I hope it everything goes well.(*hug*)
I don't know what I am sexually. I think sexuality is less a number on a line between gay and straight, but a cloud of varying points. I believe I like individuals more than what they have on the outside. It's just... I feel that I'm at least partly responsible for these two coming out, and now my actions with either of them will definitely affect the other. And any inaction might push either away. I love them both dearly, though I'm not sure I can understand how much. I just don't want to lose them.
