Right so I'm posting this in a very tired and annoyed state. I may regret posting this tomorrow as I don't tend to discuss everything on my mind but in the heat of the moment I feel that I can be most honest as I'm still angry about this. So as always my dad went out to get drunk today. I work 9-5 Monday-Friday and when I got home today I was really tired, so decided to get an early night and went to bed at 9.30. So as I'm drifting off to sleep I heard my dad getting home, arguing with my mum about money (as always) then eventually coming upstairs and coming into my room. As always when my dad is drunk, I pretended to be asleep, but it didn't stop him talking to me and eventually turning my light on so I could no longer pretend to be asleep. So eventually I have to stop pretending to be asleep and ask what he wants. Without apologising for waking me up, he starts telling his usual stories about the people he's encountered in the pub and how he's so wasted from all the alcohol and drugs he's taken, as if I'm going to be so impressed and be like "Wow, you're such a role model." Eventually he get's onto the usual subject, "So, you've got lots of room in that double bed, why is there no girl there?" I use my usual response, which has become second nature to me... "I don't have a girlfriend dad, I'm not bothered that I don't have a girlfriend, so why should you be?" Being his usual self, my lovely dad replies "Not bothered? Well I am! It's not right for a 23 year old to have never had a girlfriend!! Are you a queer!? Just tell me!! I'm ashamed of you already so just tell me!!" I was soooooo tempted to just spit it out and tell him that I'm gay. But as I'm up for work at 6.30 and was very comfortable in bed until I was interrupted by my "very mature" 50-year-old dad, I lied as usual. I came so close to just shouting it out though. But I know if I did he would have caused a huge scene and almost definitely told me how I'm disowned and no son of his, etc. Of course I've heard how worthless I am before without me even telling him that I'm gay. I am the son who actually has a job and lends him money on a regular basis (which I don't usually get back) which he spends on alcohol and god-knows what else. Yet I am still seen as a failure in his eyes, which completely annoys me! I would love nothing more than to have some words of encouragement, or just a normal dad. Believe me, anyone reading this has no idea how weird and dysfunctional my family are... So at this moment in time I can't stop shaking with anger... I have had enough of him constantly telling me how worthless I am! And I need to move away from here as soon as possible, I just can't take this crap anymore. I have a very busy day at work tomorrow and already know that I won't be able to concentrate, as it will now take me a long time to get asleep due to my mind playing overtime! I just felt like I needed to vent my anger, as this usually makes me feel better. I am aware that there are people in the world worse off than me and the last thing I want is to appear as if I am feeling sorry for myself, as I am not that type of person. I just wish I had a different life somewhere far away from this family. Thanks for reading, and sorry if I'm coming across as feeling sorry for myself, because I'm really not!
Awww, sounds tough... you did a good thing not coming out in an argument- would have not been a good thing to do. I do think you should start thinking about coming out though (unless your financially dependent on them and think they won't support you). And you have every right to vent and to be angry! (don't apologize) Best of luck
Hi, I've read some of your previous posts about your dad. I know how hard it must've been not screaming out "I'm gay" during the argument. I think it's for the best that you didn't. I don't really have much advice on how to deal with him, but I can offer you a hug (*hug*) I think moving out would be the best idea here. You mention that you have a job. Have you checked if you can afford to get a place of your own? Or is there something else that keeps you from moving out?
I've been having a similar problem, recently. I went to visit my mother in rehab last weekend and somehow we got to the topic of gays. She started ranting about how disgusting lesbians are. And my dad just dislikes anyone who isn't straight. I've been arguing with him about the subject ever since he found out I'm in the GSA at my school. Don't apologize about ranting, you have every right to!
I agree you should not feel sorry whatsoever for ranting and you don't come across as feeling sorry for yourself. It's good to let your anger out and venting lets you do so constructively. Just from this post alone, it sounds like your father is very emotionally abusive and you should definitely work towards getting out of there if you aren't already and if it's possible at all. Despite all the anger that you aren't letting what he is saying get to you, 'cause you are not worthless. I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I really do hope things get better for you ASAP. (*hug*)
Well, if he can move out, then I'd recommend a rental for the first few months. A few savings later and he'll be able to buy a shining new house for him.
He's thinking of moving out in January or so. Ugh what a horrible thing you went through! Don't you have a lock or anything? I feel so annoyed just reading your story. Your dad is a monster. I'm so happy that you managed to stay calm and didn't come out in a flash of anger. For me, I would have shouted at him for barging into my room like that if I was sleeping. How dare he?! or maybe I would have got out of bed and shoved him out of the room. Not long till you move out! Just try to stay strong man (*hug*)
I feel for you. Don't feel bad about needing to vent your anger. You are not worthless. Your dad is a bully and verbally abusive. Stay focused on getting the heck out of there.
You are a very strong person. I think you are being a real man by helping him financially even though he treats you that way. You are the real man. I have a feeling he probably already knows though, and wants you to just come out and say it. I wouldn't do it in an arguement . And he may be mad, however I know with time he'll be more comfortable with it. (He doesn't have a choice). I think he already knows because he asks you about girlfriend when he is drunk, meaning when he is sober he questions your sexuality. It'll probably be rough telling him, but I would time it right and tell him about your sexuality.
Kind of really surprised no one has bothered to mention it but although it's clear you're holding yourself pretty well, have you ever thought about going to Al-Anon or a similar group in the UK? I mean having people to talk to like yourself (even if none of them are gay) could still help. The only other step I can think of is talking to your mother and see if there's any way to get him into rehab. Alcoholism is an illness and needs to be taken seriously, and right now just giving him money when you know he'll just use it for booze does not help him and will never help him get sober.
You deserve to feel sorry for yourself in some respect, so don't dwell on that. Of course other people have it worse off, and this is an easy way to devalidate your feelings, but you still are going through a rough time regardless, so wanting some sympathy and support is perfectly natural, and the best option for you. Try to take the garbage you are going through as a way of just making you a better person. It makes you more experienced with serious matters, and helps you see things world differently, that a lot of privileged people will never understand.
Wow, I'm surprised with the amount of responses I've got for this thread. I was going to respond individually but I think that may take a while so I'll just do one long reply... I can't afford to get a place on my own but have been looking at flat sharing with random people which I would be able to afford. As Lad123 said I'm looking to move in January but as of yet I haven't found anything so that may be difficult. I am terrible at finding places to live! Ashley, your parents sound very similar to mine! They are really narrow minded and don't tend to like anyone who's different. Lad123, I don't have a lock unfortunately. I think even if I did he would just knock until I answered just to annoy me! The annoying thing is that I've actually got on well with him this evening. He hasn't had a drink today and can't usually remember anything when he's drunk. I've been sitting with him chatting and getting on fine with him. He's not bad all the time, it just tends to be when he's drunk or in one of his moods. inlove21, I think you've made a very good point. I am always thinking that he probably knows I'm gay, due to the lack of girlfriends I've had over the years. I just can't bring myself to actually say it though, because I know he will completely freak out about his only son being gay. And the only reason I help him financially is because I can't tolerate his complaining if I don't help him. He whines about most things. Revan, there is no chance my dad would admit he has a problem, let alone go to rehab. He doesn't drink every day, it's usually just the weekend and occasionally on a weekday. If I didn't give him money he would still find a way to go out drinking. For some reason he has lots of friends, and they will pay for him to go out drinking if he is desperate. WooEEE, I guess you're right, I'm not usually one for telling everyone about my feelings, as I don't like to sound like I'm living a terrible life when others are far worse off than me, so using this forum has been a new experience for me. I hope my upbringing has made me a better person. I have worked since I turned 16 and have always paid my own way in life, never asking anyone for anything. I wouldn't have it any other way though. Everyone else who's responded, thanks a lot for your kind words, hugs, etc. It also makes me feel better when people say nice things, as it's a rarity that I receive any praise .
^ You should feel better about it. Being privileged doesn't make you a worse person, just sometimes they tend to see the world in a more positive view; which is fine. But knowing that not everything is great is essential as well, it helps you expect what is necessary, and not things that are just for comforts. Sure you could feel bad for kids in the Middle East, certain South American countries, African countries, and Asian countries, that are homosexual, and believe me their problems are far worse than the majority of peoples on this forums, but that shouldn't devalidate your feelings. I struggled, and still struggle with feeling like a whiner. I really don't feel I have the right to complain when I live in Canada; and in the Toronto area, which basically is one of the greatest places for a gay person to live. I have every opportunity to move to the city or a more built up area and live a decent life, so I really don't feel I have the right to complain. But I do also no like city life in any shape or form; I hate traffic, I hate noise, I don't like not having privacy; I blast music and would not enjoy complaints you get in the suburbs or the city I can basically have my music heard for like a kilometre away and have no one else hear it. I like slow paced roads, friendly small stores and shops; I like that my gas station attendant knows me by name and always talks to me. It is little things like that that I wouldn't trade for being free in the city; which I know sounds ridiculous. But even then, I have to find room for me to be able to validate my complaints, as I am starting to realize that the fact I don't "fit" in in the city, and I do fit in more rural settings that even my complaints have their merits. It is not simple as moving into the city, just like for you it is not as simple as moving away from home and leaving your family. Not everyone is ok with that, and holds bitter attitudes, I can tell you don't. Otherwise you would have left a long time ago. I am not saying you environment is healthy, but you obviously have your reasons for staying, and you have your reasons for complaining. As long as you realize they are just complaints, and things that can be changed and aren't really anything that is beyond your control, they should be less annoying, and more of "to do" tasks. Like possibly coming out to your father, and seeing if you can get a place on your own sometime. It doesn't have to happen know, but at least knowing you have control over both those situations should bring you comfort. I live with extremely supportive parents; theyre the only ones that know I am gay, so I cannot 100% relate. My dads Mom was an alcoholic, and my Mom's mom died from being an Alcoholic, so my parents have told me enough stories to know where you are coming from. I think the fact they grew up at Jane and Finch; a poorer neighbourhood in Toronto, and that they had alcoholic parents, and lived in a racially diverse neighbourhood, allowed them to be extremely good people, so homophobia was never an option for you. Your dad most likely did not have an upbringing similar, so it is harder for him to be open. My Dad's friends all are black, and he is white as fuck, and for a kid like that growing up in the 70's to basically only be friends with black people was unheard of. Canadians aren't racist, but people stuck to their own "kind" back then, but my father and mother had an opportunity to live a life similar to the 90's; racism is basically dead in Canada. So their views are very modern for their age, my Dad is almost racist towards other white "Canadian Hosers" as he calls them. My Dad's sister is a lesbian too, so that wasn't hard, and my Mom's cousin is gay, so again both have experience. They are less homophobic than I am, which is why it is hard for me to explain to them why I was suicidal...etc, because they grew up in and lived in Toronto until they had me, when they moved to the country and about 3 decades socially. My parents have always supported and loved me, maybe too much, which is why I don't find their support as crucial as outsides support; I am terrified of telling anyone that isn't blood about myself and care far more about other peoples opinions than my own families which is whacked. But yea, everyone has their problems. Try to take the good from what you got, because my parents had similar situations to you and are both the most honest hard working kind people I know.
