Hello everyone, About 2 years ago I met this guy in college, and we winded up being sexual with each other. At the time, we were "Straight" and we figured it was just a phase. We even agreed that we would find a girl. As time went on we both began to gain feelings for each other. So we decided to have an open relationship. We did this because we did not want to completely close off females. However, instead of meeting another girl, he met another male! TWO. Now it may sound weird, but I am mot upset with this at all. As long as he tells me everything thats going on and he doesn't gain feelings I'm okay with it. But now it's Been two years (he met the guys about 3 months ago) and we are still in a closed relationship. Our relationship is perfect, and I'm not just saying that. We truly have a deep pure love for each other.... But here's the kicker. He says he loves me so much, but then he says he wants to be with a girl. He doesn't want to be with a male. He even told me "if I wanted a boyfriend you would be he perfect boyfriend" and he also said "if I decide to be gay you are the first pick" . This hurts my feelings soooo much. I can't bare the thought of loving someone and can't be with them. And he loves me back! What do I do? Shouldn't try to love on? Should I wait and remain a secret? I need some serious advice. I am 21 and he is 20. We are both in college and are roommates.
It's wierd that he says he loves you, but then he says he wants to be with a girl. And what's more confusing is that you have a physical relationship. Maybe he's afraid of what people would say and think he everyone knew you two were together. And I understand your hurt feelings. I would feel the same way. I would even feel a little betrayed. I think you need to have an open, honest conversation with him to see what both of you really want.
It sounds like he could be a bit scared and in denial of this part of himself since you guys are pretty serious now and have been together for 2 years. I highly doubt he is completely straight since someone that was would not have a relationship with a guy for this long or even really consider it. Have you sat down and talked to him about the situation and how much you care for him?
I agree with talking to him, cause it does sound like he's in denial...with luck he'll come around Try talking about how being bi/gay isn't a bad thing at all
Yes I have talked to him, and he is convinced that he would find a girl, and all this would be a thing of the past. I'm scared to let go because then he probably would never tell me if he wants to come out if I stop. But at the same time how long do i hold on to this? I love him a lot! He is actually, my first love, and first relationship. I'm his 2nd love.
I do think he has an attraction for girls, but because he's had sex with a total of 3 guys (counting me) and not one interaction (physical or emotional) with a female it confuses me. I think we both are attracted to girls a little, but we love each other more than we are attracted to girls.
Has he told you why he wants to be in a relationship with a girl? Is he afraid of being bisexual/gay? Is he afraid of what people will think and that he'll be judged?
Yes he told me he wants to be in a relationship with a girl, while lying next to me. I don't think he is afraid, and he is not usually the type of person to care what people think. I think to him, he isn't gay. I think he feels like it's just a phase. :bang:
Okay guys. As I've said before we are both in college. He was supposed to go straight home after work, instead of staying an extra day to spend with me. His mother wanted him home asap because she needed help with something. However, after work he came and surprised me and slept with me! He worked me up by kissing me and we just went to sleep in each others arms. Then he left at about 5am so he could get home to help her. I asked why did he stay with me so I could , make sure I don't over analyze it, and he told me he came back to spend time with me.(!) What does this mean?:bang:
he seems to love you but perhaps doesn't want to - after all, it's easier to be with a girl, in society, you don't get shouted at, threatened etc so that might be it. have you asked him why?
Yes i have asked him why, and he doesnt give a real answer, he says something like "i just want to be with a girl, thats what i want. being with a girl is better"
I think he wants to be with a girl because it will be easier to fit into society. And he wouldn't have to come out if he was with a girl.
No one can know for sure except him. But my sense is, he's most likely gay, but having difficulties accepting it. I had a good friend who was 19-20 at the time, claimed to be straight, and absolutely everyone who met him was totally convinced he was gay. Yet for whatever reason, he needed to hold onto the "straight" façade. It took him about 7 years to accept himself. If your friend has had sex with 3 guys and no girls... expresses his love for you... but says he wants a girl, I think he's more dealing with wishful thinking and isn't ready to let go of living an "ordinary" life. And unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do about that. You could try, gently, having a conversation and asking him, openly and honestly, if he ever masturbates thinking about girls, or if he watches lesbian porn and finds it hot. He may or may not be able to answer those honestly, because he might not even be accepting it within himself. But it sounds like he's fairly open and comfortable, so perhaps that will at least help him think a bit. You might also suggest EC to him. He's welcomed to speak with one of our advisors and we could help him figure things out more clearly. But the only solution is honest conversation, and giving him time to figure out where things are. If I were to wager, I'd bet on his being gay and in denial. But it's entirely possible that he really is bisexual or even straight but very open about his sexuality.
if i were you i'd not be satisfied with that anwser; i'd ask him why a girl is better, why does he want that, really, that something is better doesn't really explain anything, unless you also say why it's better.
I'm not really satisfied with that answer, but I really do not know how to ask him without him giving me a vague answer. I don't know how to get down to the deep core behind his reasoning. What questions do I ask? How do I start the conversation?
Oh, there is an extensive way, but the answers are the most direct one. Basically you need to create a whole lot of Yes/No questions. That way he will be very objective. Ask him everything you need with those questions, and hopefully he sticks with the Yes/No things.
I don't think it's very common, but I think what Chip was suggesting was that he is straight (i.e. he truly is attracted to women sexually) but he is so comfortable and open in his relations with others that he can also be physical with guys. It would take a lot of confidence and openness to have 3 relationships with men while truly straight - but it's possible. Really - this is up to you. You can't control him or anything he does, but you can control you. If this situation has become unacceptable to you, then you need to tell him. If you're no longer satisfied with this arrangement, and would rather have a boyfriend who actually acknowledges that he's your boyfriend, then it's time to move on. The alternative is to simply wait and hope that he comes around and accepts himself as being gay. He certainly sounds gay to me.
