Heyy therrrr - first post; dig it. Ok, so I've only recently come fully to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I've known for a while that I like guys but avoided confronting myself about it up until about two months ago when I was swept up unexpectedly by a sort of wave of self-acceptance (lucky me). After years of denial and repression, acknowledging the whole sexual side is still new and a bit weird, but on the whole I'm pretty happy and not feeling much inward shame anymore. Outwardly is a bit of a different story, but I can't see that being resolved until I start opening up to other people about it. So I'm at a place now where I feel like I'm as ready as I need to be in order to start coming out to some close friends, but the problem is I just cant physically bring myself to do it. Two weekends ago I tried coming out to a close friend (female), who's very liberal, but as soon as I tried to prep myself to broach the subject I completely seized up. I delayed doing it the whole night I was with her, and when it finally came to the point where I had to say to myself ok, be brave, do it now, I was completely overcome by nerves. She even threw me a lifeline and made a joke about a friend of hers I could get together with - it would have been so easy to throw in an 'actually, I'm not really into girls', but I just couldn't make myself do it. In the end I left without so much as a hint, cried halfway home in the car and subsequently fell into a week-long rut of self-confidence. Putting aside the fact that she probably wouldn't appreciate being texted at 5 in the morning, I could easily send her a message right now confessing all without a moment's hesitation, but I feel like telling her in person is the right thing to do. Especially as she'll be the first person I come out to. I really would like to do it face-to-face, but it's just so hard! That being as it is, I want to make sure 100% that I go through with it the next time I see her. She's super busy at the moment and I don't know when I'll next get a chance to talk to her alone. I really need to take this step to keep pushing myself toward greater self-acceptance, as well as to actually kick start the whole process of coming out, and I'm far too restless to wait any longer. I've been in the closet long enough now - I want to come OUT! SO! Does anyone have any practical advice/techniques to help psych/loosen myself up? I know everyone says not to do it under the influence, but as she'll probably be delighted more than anything to find out that I'm gay, I think it might be easier to do it over a casual drink. Not getting blind drunk or anything obviously, just enough to let my inhibitions slide a little. Thoughts? Personal stories?
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! First off, congratulations on accepting and coming out to yourself! Glad to read that you are content with your sexual orientation. Letting go, and being able to talk about your sexual orientation is hard, especially if you are trying to come out for the first time. You are trying to overcome your own internal homophobia and fears of what will happen once I come out? (*hug*) It's normal and okay if you have several goes at it before you are able to say something or start the 'conversation.' If you wanted to you could just pick up her joke, getting together with a friend of hers, and use it to say "actually, I'm not really into girls." Sometimes, defining your sexual orientation without naming it, can make it easier on you. Before you try coming out to her again, maybe stand in front of a mirror, and just say out loud to yourself: 'today I want to come out to [Name]', and try to gauge how you feel. If you feel it would be too hard coming out in person, maybe write a little note, take her aside and give her the note. That said, don't try to place additional pressures on yourself by attaching a time line, or go into this with 'the next time I see her this will happen.' That could very well, just increase your nervousness and also your disappointment should it not happen. Try to take it as it comes. When you feel ready, create the opportunity and talk with her.
I feel like im at the same place as you, i feel ready to come out but whenever i try and tell someone, my throat closes up and i just fall into a pit of self loathing for failing to do it. I've managed to tell a few people and each time has been because of far too many drinks, so i wouldn't recommend doing it with alcohol. Each time i have managed to tell someone i felt a massive sense of regret, like i'd done something incredibly stupid. Combine that with a hangover and its not a pleasant feeling. I also feel like people deserve to know face to face, i dont mean to put down on people that use notes and letters, it just feels impersonal to me. I cant say i have any advice past no alcohol, but i do wish you all the luck. I'm sure your friend will be great about it, you just need to have a little faith and push yourself to tell her.
I've come out to quite a few people before on several occasions, and every time I've done it I felt lonely and terrible about myself for days afterwards. I remember the night before I first told anyone I was so pumped about making a huge advancement in my life. I can't help but think I was so naive back then. When you do tell your friend, please remember that there is always the possibility that she reacts negatively. Of course, you know her better than I do, but nobody can ever know for sure how someone will react to that news. It's why some of my coming out experiences ended so badly. If you ever get anxious, remind yourself of why you're doing this and think of the life you can live now that you know this part of you. Also, you might feel like crap after you come out. If you do, remember that success was in the act of you coming out, so push on and be strong! That fear, nerves, and anxiety is normal, and in fact it's great--it lets you know you're onto something big in your life. Good luck on your coming out, and I hope it goes over well!
