I've been reading here for a few days. Trying to find my answer. And I'm not finding it. I don't know if this is in the right section or not. I'm very attracted to men. It's ridiculous. It's so unfulfilled too that half the time I'm in some weird sexed up state and I can't do anything about it. I'm also attracted to women, but on a lesser note. I'm in a relationship (6 months, 9 days) with a woman. I'm mostly happy. As previously stated, she doesn't know. The Backstory When I was 12 maybe, I can't remember, I had my first sexual encounter. It was weird, and it was with another boy. This continued for a couple of years, whenever, under the guise of "games". We made it a game so it didn't feel weird, I guess. I didn't understand what I was doing. I didn't feel any attraction to him, I just liked what we did. When I turned 15 it all stopped with him. He was a year older than I. He just shut it down. We never talked about it. Suddenly, I felt rejected. One of the last times he ever came over (we first close friends, too, and we shared a bed whenever we stayed over at one another's home) I wanted to feel what I had felt time and time before. So after everyone went to bed, I tried to unzip his pants. He grabbed my hand and said "need some help?" I panicked. I shut my eyes and tried to make it all go away. In that moment I felt so ashamed. He said "You aren't gonna be all gay now, are you?" I shook my head, pleaded with him to not tell anyone, and slept on the floor. We quickly grew apart and now never speak. Shortly thereafter, I met a girl, that relationship wasn't sexual and didn't last long. In high school, there was one openly gay kid in our class, and one that everyone said was gay. Small town. I still hadn't really put two and two together and realized attraction to men is what makes them gay. I knew, but I hadn't made the parallels to me. I didn't relate to them. I stayed away from them. I guess that was me being so deep in the closet and denial that I couldn't have possibly made the connection. Besides, I was nothing like them. They were skinny and effeminate, I was socially awkward, had few friends, overweight, kind of a loner, and a darker person (dark personality). My circle of friends all hated the gay boy and the possibly gay boy. I again felt the feeling of being dirty, and ashamed. After high school, in my first real job, I had moved to a different city, and in my first real meeting with the outside world, I worked with and developed friendships with a diverse group of people. In that group, was an openly gay woman in a relationship, and another woman who while not expressing anything about sexuality, was very affirming and positive. I later found out she was bisexual, after I came out to her as gay. That was my first awakening, really. I'd seen gay characters on tv shows, but it was never real until I met these two people. I realized, she was attracted to women, therefore she was, so I'm attracted to men, therefore I must be gay. I freaked out. Panicked. Lost my shit. For a while. Then, I turned to the internet. I had been chatting with this guy who lived in Ohio or somewhere up there, and we could chat almost daily via webcam. I told him how I felt, what I felt, and how messed up I felt. How I felt broken. I also admitted my attraction to him, which threw him at first, but he eventually started talking to me again, rather quickly. He started to play into it. Talking like he could maybe be into men. I was just overjoyed that someone could be attracted to me, having been single for so long, and that he also was accepting of me. Mind you this was all online. One night, he...exposed himself to me. Told me he wanted me. I never heard from him again. Ashamed, abandoned, disgusting. That's what I felt. I went to a dark place, and the person who emerged wasn't the same person who went in. I moved back to the same small town a few months later. Determined that I was going to be straight. I prayed every day and every night that God would "cure" me. That he would take away these feelings. Every time I looked at gay porn, or looked at a man, I would pray for forgiveness. During that time, I debated killing myself to make it stop. I never acted on that. One day, I confided in a friend. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt like I was dying. "I'm gay, I think". "Then I have a fabulous gay friend" is what she said. That made me feel really good. I, for a brief period, didn't feel ashamed. We talked often after that for a while. After we drifted apart again (baby, husband will do to your friends). I really just was living my life. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy. I got another job, met some people, and by that time had been somewhat attracted to a few women, and declared thusly that I must be bisexual. I told another friend. She told me she was bisexual too. More good feelings. Then, I told a girl who liked me, who condemned me to hell. Total darkness washed over me again. I was 20 at this point. At 21, I started drinking, rather heavily for a while. I had accepted this defect in me (that's how it felt). But I hated it, I hated myself. I went deep on the internet, met some gay people over chat who kind of talked me off my cliff, but I kept drinking. I then decided that I wasn't attracted to women, and was gay, and I came out to my mom, and a couple of college friends. All were pretty good reactions. I came out to my cousin. Good response. I was starting to feel good. One day I woke up and was thinking about the things I want, and if being gay lined up with them. I started to panic and went back to the *be straight, Please God make me straight* thing. I told pretty much everyone I was straight, and went back in the "closet". Except for my college friends, they didn't buy it, so I just left it. I dated a woman, who went into it knowing I was attracted to men, and things felt good with her, plus I felt a sexual attraction to her that I'd never before felt about a woman before. That ended kind of roughly for me. That was 21 also. In the time between 21 and now, I've only confided in one person about my sexual uncertainty, and that went fine, but I've never really accepted it. It never goes away. I want it to go away. Some times, I wonder if I'd be better dead, if everyone would be better if I were dead. Just take a bottle of pills and slip away. 7 months ago, I met my current girlfriend. I was desperate for a chance at a so called normal life. Then I started to like her. Then I fell in love with her. Then we slept together. All the feelings of same sex attraction slipped away. Those four months were bliss. Then one day, it came back like a brick wall. Now I can't escape it. There's no way I'm gay. I look forward to sex, something I never thought I would. But there's no way I'm straight. Sometimes when I'm with her, she's all that is on my mind. Other times, I have to think of men to get through it. And that feels like it crushes my soul. Here is this beautiful women, whom I love very much, and I'm lying to her. I feel like I'm using her. I don't want to break her heart. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fucked up mess. Everything I touch, I ruin. I feel like I'm beyond all hope. My heart is breaking. I'm sorry to have posted two support things in the same week, but I just can't get this out of my mind.
Is it possible you are bi, or pansexual? If you are feeling sexual attraction to both genders, there isn't anything wrong with that. It doesn't degrade you or change who you are. You don't need to force yourself into one niche or the other. If it makes you feel any better, when I was a kid I had a similar story myself, in which my friend and I fooled around. I spent a long time being ashamed and hating myself for it, because it went against everything I was being taught by my family, even though I was already aware that I was gay by this point. For the longest time I felt like I had to shut that part of me away, just so that people would accept me, not neccessarily for who I was, but for who they expected me to be. Anyway, getting back on track, sexuality isn't black and white. Some people are darker, and some people are lighter. You said before you had positive reactions from people despite switching between your self identifications. If you are worried about what those people would think, don't. They have already accepted you! Thats such an awesome feeling. That acceptance won't go away just because you aren't sure of yourself yet. So, so many people have expressed delight in your self revelations, there is no need to let one or two negative people bring you down. And please don't feel like you are using your girlfriend. If you're in love with her, thats cool! I wish I had someone like that in my life. But it is impossible to control your thoughts, regardless of what some people believe. I'd like to hear back from you. This is a perfect place to get things off of your chest, everyone here has had similar emotional turmoil, and can offer you their own insight. Learning from others can help you learn about yourself.
I just feel like I'm wasting her time, and mine. I do love her, but I don't see where the relationship is going (this is a problem in my relationships, always). I'm so miserable with myself, how can I possibly keep a relationship going?
I can't send you pm because i am new here but i want to chat.But we have simmilar story,except i am not attracted to girls(in real life).
Hi there! Reading through your original post, I think it would be helpful if you would continue working on yourself first, to be happy with your sexual orientation. Try to listen to your inner feelings, and your attractions. Don't label yourself, if you feel that this is not really you. If you love your girlfriend, and have an attraction to her (physical/emotional), figure out with her as to where the relationship is going, and how you see yourself in this relationship. It might also help to let her know that your questioning your sexual identity. Keeping that hidden from her only adds to the stress you are experiencing, because at some level, every time you see her, or are with her, that is knocking on the door. So, I think the first thing you could do, is to sit down and talk with her. (*hug*)
I don't know if I can offer any advice myself. I relate and identify with your story on many levels. I feel attraction to both sexes, though I've never been involved with a guy. I'm 26 years old and a few months ago, I finally accepted that I'm attracted to guys. I always knew it, but finally accepted it. I've told two people, my second just recently. It's a slow process and it's going to be a slow process, I know. You just have to give it time and let it unfold in front of you. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, especially if you yourself aren't quite sure yet. If youre miserable and your relationship doesn't feel right, then ditch it. Only do what feels right. We're taught from a young age how to be and some of what we're taught isn't always correct. You have to work on rewiring yourself. Be true to what you feel. When you start being honest with yourself and others, the guilt will go away. On a separate note, I don't usually have the attention span to read long stories, but I read this whole thing. It was very well written and captivating. Good job.
What's your story? ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2012 at 10:01 PM ---------- How can I work on myself? How can I become happy with this? I really do hate labels, but that's the world we live in. I can't be me. I have to be bisexual me, or gay me, or straight me. I do love her. Things are kinda rough right now, because of my depression. I used to see this going to marriage, but now through all the funk, I can't see tomorrow. I'm afraid if I told her she'd A.) tell me to go packing which would break my heart and B.) would tell everyone because she doesn't do too well with not telling her friends things. I just can't have this get out of my control. Or at all.. :tears: ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2012 at 10:03 PM ---------- The relationship isn't making me miserable, I'm not sure where it's going but I'm not gonna just quit because of that. My attraction to men makes the relationship harder sometimes it seems. I've told people, but it wasn't satisfying, if that makes sense. Nothing feels right anymore. And I'm glad it held your attention, I'm an aspiring writer and it's good to know that I don't suck at longer spans. Thank you
Hello someonelost, First of all: (*hug*) It sounds like you've had a rough time of it, and regardless of how valuable you find the responses, I hope it at least helped you to write all of that out. Before I dive into the details, there's one thing I want to say at the outset. Regardless of how you feel about experiencing homosexual feelings, I hope you'll never feel like you need to end your life because of them. Remember: there is so so so much more to life than sex and romantic relationships. Even though your brain is a jerk to you and makes it seem otherwise, there are almost certainly people around you who would be devastated if you "just disappeared." Now, a few points: (1) Your relationship. If I understood your post correctly, it seems that the major obstacle to your happiness is that you are not always sexually attracted to your girlfriend. You feel like you are using her. Like you are lying to her. The way I see it, there are 3 adventures you could choose: (A) Maintain the status quo, i.e. staying in the relationship and keeping her in the dark about your attractions to men. Not a very viable option based on the way you are feeling now. (B) Decide that the pain of maintaining the status quo or being honest with her is greater than the pleasure you take from the relationship, and therefore break up with her. You have also indicated that you do not like this option. (C) Take a serious risk and tell her that you're not exclusively heterosexual. She will then react however she reacts. Maybe she will want to pack up and leave. That is her prerogative. Or maybe she'll squeal excitedly and want to talk hot boys. Or maybe she'll react anywhere in between. Based on what you've told us, I think the best option for you is adventure C. Adventure A guarantees unhappiness. The only thing you could hope for is that your same-sex attractions permanently evaporate, which does not seem to be happening. Adventure B might be a solid choice if you feel like you're really in too bad of a place to continue this, but I think you love this girl and actually do want to make it work if possible. Adventure C does not guarantee a cure to your problems, but gives you the possibility of finding happiness within your current relationship. On top of being the honest thing to do, it is also the thing that most easily resolves your situation. You love her. You are attracted to her. Just not all the time. She might be totally understanding of that. She might not. But she is the only who can tell you whether what you're doing now constitutes her being "used." But before you tell her, I think there's something else which needs to be done first, which brings us to point number 2: (2) Self-acceptance. It's very important not just for working through this situation, but for your own well-being that you learn to accept yourself and your sexuality for what they are. Now, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this isn't as easy as waving the Wand of Logic and saying "Abraca makemeacceptmyhomosexuality!" Be patient and kind to yourself: you are attempting to undo an idea (i.e., same-sex attraction is bad bad wrong wrong) that has been beaten into your brain for your entire life. Now, what are some, actual, concrete ways you can try to make that happen? Suggestions! I have them! (A) Don't make full acceptance your first goal. Instead, concentrate first on being ok with not being ok with your sexuality, if that makes any sense. Your negative feelings are totally legitimate: when did you sign up for increased social/legal discrimination, difficulties with partners, and the prospect of having to disclose the feelings in your pants to other people to whom you would not normally feel obliged to discuss such matters? Whenever you see an attractive guy or have to think of a male to get through sex with your girlfriend, say to yourself, "I am attracted to men. AND I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED AND DEPRESSED ABOUT IT!" Do you notice the subtle difference between that statement and the state where you're at now? The important thing is to first acknowledge that these feelings will (probably) not be going away: that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it! Make your first goal to be the full embrace of that anger and depression which comes with facing the truth. They are far more productive emotions than wishing your sexuality away or continuing to pluck along pretending they don't exist. Take a few weeks, a month or two, or some other fixed, specific period of time to feel these things to their fullest. Cry. Scream. Wallow in self-pity. Write long diatribes here about how this is the most awful thing ever. Do whatever comes naturally. (B) Once that time is up, you need to do is start actively challenging those negative thought patterns. Nothing will change if you don't make a point of actively pushing back against them. I like to think of it this way: do you get angry at yourself because you enjoy certain kinds of music? Do you become disgusted with yourself because you enjoy certain foods? Do you get depressed because different colors appeal to you more than others? Then why should you get upset with the fact that your body naturally enjoys the idea of fucking and having ~those~ feelings for both sexes? It's true that there aren't profound social consequences for enjoying certain flavors of ice cream together as there are for being attracted to bot males and females, but, for this phase of your journey, tell the outside world to screw itself: we're just talking about your own internal life. Either you have a lot of being miserable about your body's other preferences to catch up on, or you need to begin updating your understanding of this particular preference of your body. Whenever negative thoughts about your sexuality invade, you need to make a point of shooting them down. "No, Asshole Brain, you are wrong. Same-sex attraction is not disgusting, so quit drinking the Kool-Aid you were indoctrinated with." It will feel stupid and forced at first, but if you get into the habit of fighting back, I think you'll begin to see some improvement in your overall outlook. (C) Surround yourself with LGBTQ positive people. It seems like you've felt your best when you feel like people have had your back on the sexual orientation issue. Actively seek out friends who can support you. Actively cut people out of your life who will not. If how someone feels about this has the power to cause you to spiral into depression, it is a matter of your own well-being that you remove people such as the "Go-to-Hell" girl from your life. (D) Consider seeing a counselor/therapist who specializes in LGBTQ populations if you aren't already. If you're feeling enough pain to the point where you are think you are a worthless fuck-up who's ready to kill themselves, it will be extremely difficult to navigate this alone. A 3rd party can more easily recognize and challenge your brain when it's a jerk. And look, you already have one person who is sure to support you through all this! (3) Labels and telling her. I think what would be best would be for you to tell your girlfriend what you've just told us. It is a really emotional story that I think would bring you two closer together and would help her put everything in context. It might be difficult for you to imagine telling your girlfriend if you can't quite find an accurate label for your sexuality. I read something in another thread that I liked very much that I think you might find useful. Maybe say something like this to her: "[Girlfriend], I have something really important I want to talk to you about. This is something that's just between you and me, so please don't tell your friends, ok? Before I say anything else, I want to tell you that I love you so much, that I find you attractive, and that I want our life together to continue. It is because our relationship is so important to me that I think I should be fully honest about myself. The truth is, I'm attracted to men as well as women, but I'm not quite comfortable with the label 'bisexual.' Even if I can't quite put a label on my sexuality, I know this: I like you. This is kind of a long story...[in which you proceed to tell her the long story]" If you don't want to go that deep into the Feelings Forest in one sitting, just tell her about your sexuality and see how she reacts. Maybe she'll get disgusted and leave. Maybe she'll be ok with it, but totally tell all her friends. This is why it's uber uber important to tackle point 2 before you attempt point 3: these eventualities (which are absolutely possible) will be easier to handle if you (a) have an external network of support and (b) can find support within yourself. Best of luck (*hug*) Apologies for the novel. I hope you can find something useful in it.
Thanks for replying. C sounds like a good option in theory. And maybe even in reality. Facts - my step-cousin recently came out as gay, and she seemed okay with that. She has a gay guy in one of her classes who she is on a team with. We've discussed gay issues before (if you had a gay kid, gay marriage, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah) She's had gay friends. She's in college. She went to a college known locally for it's liberalism. She's a democrat. And she has pretty liberal views about sex and sexuality. But I'm so afraid that being gay friendly, and dating someone who was bisexual, would be two different things for her and she'd freak out and run away, leaving me crushed, or she'd tell people, which would be just as bad. Oh, and she knows I'm a Glee lover. I don't know if that counts for anything or not, but super straight jock-y guys don't watch Glee. In fact, I don't know any straight guys that watch Glee... I've been in a place where I accepted myself, but now I'm not there anything and I just don't know what to do. Maybe giving myself some time to just mope about it would be okay. Something. I don't know. Every part of me just hates this thing about me. I don't know anyone here yet at all, to know if they are LGBTQ friendly or not. Most of my friends were okay with it that I told, but I've moved to a different state. I'd see a LGBT counselor, but I'm kinda constantly broke. I know I should, given that I've had somewhat suicidal thoughts. Gah, I just don't know about any of this. I wish I could wake up and be totally straight. I just wanna cry.
You're totally right that there's a major difference between being LGBTQ-positive and actually dating a bisexual. Which is why it's all the more important that you eventually tell her about it. But before you do that, it's super important to develop an external network of support so that you have a world that will survive if your girlfriend does decide she's not cool with dating a bisexual or breaks up with you for any other reason. By all means throw yourself a pity party, but just make sure it's a party with a set start and end point. The money issue is rough. Do you have enough income to spare even $5.00 or $10.00 per month? I've worked for a medical practice before, and they were totally cool with patients paying their bills in small monthly payments like that. That's not to say that everyone will be able to accommodate you, but look into some therapists, explain your economic situation before you actually see them, and ask if you could make payments in small installments like that. If you don't even have that much to spare, is there anyone you could ask for some financial help? I think you really, really, really need to make this a priority if you have considered suicide over these issues. We're of course here to support you any way we can, but we are, after all, Just Some People on the Internet and don't have the training or experience to help you fully move through this. I feel you on the move too: it's rough not knowing that many people. I imagine it would be really stressful for you to go to LGBTQ events/venues if there are any nearby, so don't focus specifically on seeking out LGBTQ-friendly people first, just look for more friends. Find ways to make your interests social. Join a team of some kind. See if a community center offers classes in something that interests you. Join a book club. Look to see if there are support groups for people with mental illnesses anywhere nearby. Going to bars/events is one thing, but it really helps if what you're doing involves interacting with other people who already share a common interest with you. If you find some people you like, then you can put out the feelers about their opinions on LGBTQ issues.
Hello OP! Happy day after Thanksgiving! I read your story... it must have been frustrating being in and out of the closet. You stated that your family was okay the first time you came out, so I'm sure they will support you regardless of your sexual orientation. I'm not you, but if I were in your position... and my family knew I was gay and was fine with it... I would go out to the world and find happiness. I still will find my happiness one day, not yet though because unfortunately my parents don't know im gay, I'm confined to 4 walls for now. Don't let people decide for you... if being with a man makes you happy, then live it up! Don't give a girl false hope and expect to magically become straight some day... we've all seen the stories 40+ yr old men type up on here... bout their kids and wives and divorce. You're young, and at the right time to decide what you want for yourself. And it's a big plus that the people you care about don't care about your sexuality. Here's a cliche Dr. Seuss quote to lift your spirit!-- “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
If I was asking for money, they would wanna know what I wanted it for. I'm starting back to college in January, hopefully that helps, some. Maybe at college they'll have a counselor or something? ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2012 at 10:33 PM ---------- I didn't come out to my whole family though. There are those in my family who I know would not take it well, and I happen to be living with them at the moment. I want to be happy in my relationship, but I'm not even happy with myself. Hmph. I also have no intentions of getting married anytime soon. I'm not remotely ready for that. Or kids. No to kids. I like that quote. *steals for my signature*.
Hey someonelost, Your story sounds like a near carbon-copy of mine. I also have dark places; I've been in love with women that don't fulfill my heart and soul; I hit the bottle harder than hell after turning 21, and ended up in rehab twice (35 months sober now); I've nearly killed myself four or five times (alcohol, painkillers, car accident, etc); I've been outcasted by most of my high school friends; I suffer from anxiety and depression; I justify and legitimize my internal bullshit to no end; I hide myself from everyone; I had some childhood friend who always wanted to play games that I did not understand. But, the thing that separates me from the ill-fated, is that I'm a survivor. I have a sense of morality and justice that keeps me in check; although, there have been times that would prove the contrary. I'm not perfect. I'm glad. When I'm stuck in a rut, I have a tendency to crawl inside and isolate, but I have - in the past 3 years - learned to ask for help when needed. I applaud anyone on this site for being a member of this community. It was difficult to register because I knew it would mean certain confrontation to my biggest fears. You're here to strengthen and better your life. The road may be long, but just challenge it one day at a time. Those small changes add up, and before long, you will be looking down your path from the top, like many of the challenges you've already faced. Keep your chin up, and when you're in a shitty, dark mood, find the source of fear that is causing it. Fear will always be the root of your problems. It really pisses me off how fear based on irrational logic causes me to become so off-balanced. Like, it really pisses me off, because it's NOT real!
I just don't feel like there's a way out of this mess intact. If I just came blazing out of the closet, I'd lose 1/2 of my family probably. I'm currently dependent upon my family. I find myself wanting to drink more. And I'm just really worried that if I come out, my relationship will blow up. I'm not totally happy in the relationship, but she knows everything (except that I'm bisexual) and we are trying to improve things. To make matters worse, she says things like she's in this forever, and she won't give up, and that makes me really nervous because I don't know if I see this going forever. Everything feels so dark.
There's always a way, it's just not always evident. I find myself doing the same thing, predicting the future outcomes of events that are really not under my control. I keep myself locked in subconsciously by doing this. I don't know what stage number I'm on (honestly don't know what the stages of coming out are), but I'm on the number that is just before telling key individuals. Sometimes I slide back down into the "I'm not really as gay as I think I am" stage, and it's something that can be helped by a psychologist. (((Well, I fired my psychologist bc she told me I was spending too much time with my family.))) Are you planning on solving all of your problems tomorrow? Probably not. But, what can you do tomorrow to constructively improve your mood and situation? Sometimes, when I have a lot happening in my head, I write everything down in my black book (it's basically an inconsistent diary), and I feel better, lighter. Today I made myself feel better by contacting a close friend whom I recently came out to for advice. He's in a steady relationship with a man, and is a great source of support. It made my day better and brighter. I told him how I'm feeling and asked what to do in order to get out of this closeted rut. He texted some advice in return, and wants to continue the conversation in a couple weeks when I visit. I didn't change, or fix anything, but I gave myself some forward momentum mentally and spiritually. Tomorrow I may come out to my best friend/roommate, because he means so much to me and I don't want this barrier between us anymore. This would be considered a big step for a day-to-day progression in my happiness. Most days are just small steps, but some days are huge steps. It's on the huge steps that I realize my fears are charlatans attempting to control my life, and I feel accomplished and more fearless those days. Don't worry about the huge days, those come intermittently are normally never planned. Start by making tomorrow a small-step day, and the next, and so on. Tomorrow, or tonight, write a letter to yourself detailing the future you feel would make you (not everyone else) the happiest. Imagine while writing, everyone is supportive and proud for you. Don't think about others disapproval, that doesn't matter. This letter to yourself should not include worry. Write free of worry. Try this small step, and see how you feel afterwards. If I don't tell my best friend tomorrow about my sexuality, I might feel upset a little, but that will be okay. Tomorrow's small step for me will be researching statistics on same-sex couples raising a child. While riting this post, I got an idea to log my small/huge steps to reflect on, so try that too. Write that letter!!
