I'm 20 years old and very confused about my sexual orentation. I love women and I am always checking females out. I also know I want to get married to a women one day. But when I am watching porn and I am masturbating I sometimes fantasize about sucking a penis(im not a porn addict whose life is porn 24/7... just the average guy) but as soon as I ejaculate I feel disgusted with myself for thinking that. I have had a gay experience before and have always regretted it. Me and another man exchanged bjs when I was 16 he was probably 28, as soon as I ejaculated I was sick to my stomach for doing it and I always have been disgusted in the fact I did that. Im not homophobic I think everyone deserves the same rights, just hate myself for that 1 time thing. I will never see a guy on the street and think about having sex with him but when I am aroused during a porn video I will get so aroused where I will post a men seeking men ad on craigslist and as soon as I ejaculate I delete the post and ask myself wtf am I thinking. I never think about men when with a women, only when I am watching porn. I have turned to watch gay porn but always get unaroused and then go back to straight porn. I have been having these thoughts since puberty..which led to my 1 time fling. I have asked this to forums before and if it is a gay forum they say go give gay sex another try and when it is a "straight" forum they say Im straight and should focus on sleeping with more women. I want to understand why this happens
Maybe it's just a fantasy for you. It may be nothing serious. Or maybe you're deep down interested in having sex with another guy, just to have the experience. I do not think you are gay though. You don't have these thoughts outside of pornos.
In my opinion it sounds like you are a little homophobic (unconsciously at least) otherwise you wouldnt feel disgusted after. Also I would recommend you think whether you know you want to marry a woman or you think you should marry a woman. I used to think that because thats just the way I thought it worked. Being attracted to guys didnt matter- you end up with a woman. After a LOT of thinking I realized that it was just the media that did that and deep down I would be happy, actually happier with a guy. Are you sexually attracted to females? ( Be honest with that answer, asking yourself whether you prefer to watch gay or straight porn, whether or not you want to have sex with females, get aroused by them,etc) But from what you told I think you might be bi Dont rush trying to figure it all out either- just be true to yourself!
