So last Friday, I went to this party. I'm in Year 12 (16-17) and the party was mainly Year 13's (17-18). I went with two Year 13 friends and a Year 12 friend. We'll call the Year 13 friends Ella and Jake, and the Year 12 friend Bethany. The genders are accurate. I drunk a lot that night. We were all dancing a lot, too. Me and "Ella" started dancing together, and eventually, one thing lead to another, and we kissed. Slowly at first, but then we were making out full on in the middle of the dance floor. Obviously everyone saw, and I remember people cheering us on. If I hadn't been completely wasted, I'd have been very embarrassed. At the end of the night, I went to Ella's house, along with Bethany and a guy who we'll call Tim. Bethany and Tim slept in the same room together, and I'm fairly sure that she gave him a blowjob. Anyway, me and Ella slept in the same room. We slept on the same bed actually. We made out for about half an hour, until she asked me if I wanted to take this further. I was a virgin at this point, and so was she. Although drunk, I was still kind of nervous, but we did take it that step further. We had sex 3 times. Eventually we fell asleep, and the next morning I went home. I was thinking about it a lot, because it was a momentous occasion. Ella's best friend, we'll call her Lizzy, rang me to talk about it and told me not to worry and that it was no big deal to Ella and she was glad she lost it to someone she cared about it etc etc. I went to another party the night after (Saturday). At this party, I got pretty drunk again, and in my liquored state, I blurted out that I'd had sex with Ella the night before. I also made out with some girl but that didn't amount to anything. So on Monday, it was time for school. Obviously rumours spread and by the end of the day, most people knew. Me and Ella talked, and she was still oblivious to everyone being aware of what we've done. Then on Tuesday night she texted me and this was the conversation: Her: "Oi jack" Me: "Oi" Her: "dude, how the hell does Paris know we had sex?" Me: "i haven't talked to paris since like last year, but jake knows so he probably told her" Her: "awh fucking fuck fuck, how does jake know?" Me: I think I blurted it out to people at Sachas. I'm sorry, you have permission to hate me. I hate myself." Her: "dude what the hell, why would you even do that? who goes around telling everyone?" Me: I was drunk but I know that's not and excuse. I messed up and I'm really sorry. You don't have to forgive me, but I'm honestly so sorry." She didn't reply. I took the past 2 days off school, feigning illness. It's a training day tomorrow and then the weekend so I'll probably next see her on Monday. I genuinely do feel awful, I'm not one of those guys who just uses girls for sex and then brags about it to everyone and feels no shame. I don't want to be known as one of those guys. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
This is one of those situations that's going to take time to fix. She is going to hate you for a while but you have to just be honest with her and make sure she knows it's an accident and u didn't mean to.
Talk to her. In person. If you have to, text her and ask if you guys can set aside some point to meet up and talk. I can't say what will amount out of this talk, or if anything can be fixed since the damage is already done, but if you want to salvage whatever is left of your "good guy" rep to her, you should probably make some effort to address it. I know and you know that avoiding it probably indicates you're dumbfounded at what to do, but if she's unhappy with you she'll probably take it as not caring. Honesty is the best policy, even in this situation, and even if it's going to be painful.
I'm going to try this. I texted her earlier today, with no response. Hopefully we can meet up soon and rectify this.
You can't undo the damage you've done. You can try to make amends, but she's fully within her rights to never want anything to do with you again. What you should focus on is how to make sure something similar doesn't happen again. You got drunk to the point of majorly lowering your inhibitions two nights in a row. That isn't healthy, either physically or emotionally. The drinking age in the UK is 18, so it isn't legal, either. I understand that drinking is fun, but I would strongly suggest drinking more lightly in the future.
She never wanted to do anything with me again anyway. She has no interest in relationships. She just makes out with guys at parties. She only ever wants something casual, and none of her flings mean anything to her. I talked to her best friend about the incident the day after (before the 2nd party) and apparently losing her virginity meant nothing to her, but she was glad she'd done it with someone she liked. I was kind of dumbfounded when I found out that night wasn't important to her. Then again, maybe I've just watched too many romantic films. As for the warning about alcohol, don't worry. I have no drinking problem. I like to drink a lot at parties, and I have no plans to stop. Most people in my year drink, some a lot more than me. The parties are all private and nobody ever gets caught. The legal age limit isn't enforced strictly here.
So, you can't go to parites without drinking a lot? It sounds to me like you do have a drinking problem. Other people doing the same thing does not make it a good idea. It's not about getting caught or not; it's about taking responsibility for your decisions.
Those two statements aren't compatible. And no one ever thinks they have a drinking problem. Clearly, if you are drinking enough that you don't clearly remember your actions, doing it two nights in a row, and doing it regularly, like every weekend... then you do have a problem. And yes, a lot of your friends probably do also. But it seems like you aren't interested in doing anything about it so... I guess it's your choice.
I'll also say that this is probably not something you can rectify in one step, with one talk, or even by making one big announcement to friends. A reputation is built up over a long period, and it only takes only one mess-up to go back to start. Obviously, that doesn't mean it's unfixable. Just that you'll need to make sure people see that it was a one-off mess-up. Which they can only see if you follow it up with a prolonged period of not messing up. Of making a point to not react to prying questions about this (if any come). Or expressing a certain regret of how things turned out. Of having people see how you don't spend every party making out and bragging about past conquests. So the tldr version: if you want people to know "Jack is really a decent guy", you need to now spend a prolonged time BEING a decent guy. Last but not least: saying "I was drunk" does not absolve you from consequences. you might wish the fun came with no consequences, but it's just tough luck that it always does. If this is what happens when you get drunk, the one best solution is to not get drunk. Not taking that into account is like asking how to avoid speeding tickets, but insisting that the one thing you don't want to do is stop speeding.
Just to hopefully clarify this, I don't think anyone is saying you have a drinking problem to the degree of being a raging alcoholic or something. But it's more the case of "this is my action, it's causing these results, and these results aren't good". Hence, a drinking "problem", and probably something worth evaluating.
I never said that. I said I enjoy drinking a lot when I go to parties. I don't always drink that much, and I've barely ever had anything more than a glass outside parties. I don't do it every weekend. Last weekend is actually the first weekend I've ever been to 2 parties 2 nights in a row, and the last party before that was 3 weeks prior. I know that people who have a drinking problem say they don't, but honestly, I'm not even close to being an alcoholic. So I got very drunk last weekend? Doesn't every teenager at one stage? I'm not in the habit of getting completely wasted, I do know how to control myself when I'm drunk. Yes, I told a few people that I had sex with her last weekend, but I didn't tell many and it was they who passed it on, thus everyone knows now. However, I've never done anything catastrophic at a party, like lots of my peers have. Thank you for a wonderful response. You're right, it's going to take a long time. But I really want to make things better again, me and her get along so well. It would seem such a shame for our friendship to be ruined because I blurted out something stupid at a party. And I'm not using "I was drunk" as an excuse, I know it's my fault, and I'm the first to admit that, I'm just saying that I would never have told people sober. Your point is valid, but I've never done anything like this before. Like I said, it was the first time I've ever had sex, and there are many people I know who get drunk a lot more than me. I never feel the urge to have a drink or anything.
Guys, you can drink at parties without being an alcoholic. It's kinda normal in the UK, not gunna lie. I'm not encouraging drinking, but nearlly every single person I know (and I'm only the year above SohoDreamer, so people my year are only JUST turning the legal age) usually drinks every other week, and if you're going to a party, it kinda infers that you're gunna drink. If you don't drink at a party, it's usually an abnormal thing and makes people question it. Not that I'm excusing it, but I personally don't think it's a big deal, it's our youth culture of the UK. People can argue against it, and I'll happily admit and accept that it isn't healthy, but my friends and I have been drinking since 15, and none of us are alcoholics. Not even close... But to SohoDreamer, it happens. I've said many things that I've regret while being drunk, you just kinda have to wait it out. She'll dislike you for a while, possibly a long time, but hopefully it'll resolve quickly. Sorry, my advice isn't really helpful, but you've done everything you can in trying to make it right. You were honest with her, you didn't lie, and you apologised. The only thing you can do more is meet her in person and make sure she understands how apologetic you are. The balls her in her court though, and no matter how much you wish for it, you can't force her to forgive you. :l
2 things: 1) Just because it's part of normal "culture" for people do drink does not make it any more excusable. Not that drinking has to be a bad thing, but it has to be done responsibly. The same way that people who drive still need to be aware of the rules of the road since driving is serious business. 2) This is not to say that all teens who drink are alcoholics, but I will say that alcoholics are the last people to admit they have a problem. That's the nature of the addiction. tl;dr -> If you're engaging in "adult" behaviours (i.e. drinking, driving, gambling, sex, etc.), you need to be very aware of the responsibilities and consequences. There is a reason these things usually have laws associated with them, in hopes that people will be responsible enough to realize how serious some of these things will be before they get themselves into problems.
Cultural standards differ nation to nation though. I would agree with you if everything was standard, but what makes a young adult in the UK any different to a young adult in the USA? Nothing at all, except one can purchase alcohol legally at 18 and the other can't. If there was a very major correlation between drinking young and alcoholicism, then yeah, obviously doing it would be bad. But there isn't, at least to my knowledge. Plus, there's a country in Europe where the legal age to purchase alcohol is 14 (can't remember the country but remember my geography teacher telling the class haha), so again, your statement of it not being excusable is iffy no? What difference does an ocean/sea make to define cultural standards? Well there were like 3 people that band waggoned SohoDreamer and came across deeming him an alcoholic, and when he denied, it gave the impression they were like 'All alcoholics deny their addiction!' Like I said, I've been drinking since I was 15. There are some months where I'll get drunk 3 times a week because it's apparently a popular social month, and then others where nothing happens. Just this year, I went from August to November (my 18th) without drinking at all, and not once did I ever feel the need to go out and get some alcohol to sedate my 'addiction' haha , and most probably SohoDreamer is le same. What I'm saying is, you can drink and enjoy alcohol without actually being an alcoholic ye'know. But yeah, you make a fair point in regards to being aware of the nature of alcohol and how some (I would even go as far to say a very small minority) of teenagers are unaware of it.
If you read what I put, I'm not calling anyone an alcoholic. In fact, I'm defending the point that odds are none of you are. The point I am trying to make is that if you're engaging in adult activities, you need to be responsible for yourself and whoever else is involved, and using "it's a cultural standard" is a bullshit excuse for why not to. I don't care where you live, responsibility is an adult phenomenon, not a cultural one. As for US vs UK, underage drinking is still an issue regardless of where you are, because it's underage. Again, there's a reason these laws exist, and it's not just to make teenagers miserable. tl;dr --> While I'm personally against underage drinking, I realize it happens and that's fine, so long as you're being responsible, and that means understanding the consequences.
I didn't mean to imply that you're an alcoholic, what I said was that you're drinking to the point of lowering your inhibitions to the point where you do things you regret. Which is a problem. And the best way to avoid that problem is not to drink to that point.
I don't think you can compare the two. Underage drinking isn't as much of an 'issue' in Europe as it is in the US because 1. it's not seen as a big deal, and 2. laws aren't as important nor as much inforced as in the US. Most parents let their children drink from a very young age; they buy it for them when they're underaged (legal age being 16 or 18 mostly), and the police usually don't really care either. It is completely different than in the US. I think everyone needs to remember that the view that alcohol use is something serious, and that underage drinking is an issue, is on itself a cultural thing; it is a really American view. As for the original question.. there's sadly not so much that you can do anymore. What's done is done. You've apologized, that's all you can do for now. Luckily this sort of thing gets boring quickly and people will probably forget about it within a week or two. If getting drunk aways has this effect on you, though, you might wanna stop getting this hammered. Some people get agressive when they're drunk, some get tired, some get happy and energetic, and some blurt out things and then afterwards wish they hadn't.. So if this happens often, I'd suggest cutting down a bit. Don't keep feeling too bad about it, though.. Stuff like this happens to most of us at one point or another
