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I wish I was a top

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bmcclai1, Nov 22, 2012.

  1. bmcclai1

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    I wish I was a top so bad but I know I probably wont like it. I wish I could stop being a bottom and be a top. I dont know how to explain it but I just wish I wasnt a bottom anymore. I wish I had the desire and urge to be a top.
     
  2. BudderMC

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    I don't understand; there has to be a reason why you want to be a top if you don't like it or feel like it.

    What happened?
     
  3. DarkClarity

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    "I wish I had the desire and urge to be a top."

    If I'm correct, you want to be a top yet you don't get turned on by the idea of being a top? Have I got that wrong?
     
  4. bmcclai1

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    I just feel like being a top would be more masculine. I know that isnt true. I know that the mannliest men can be a bottom but it is just those stupid stereotypes. I want to be a guy, which I obviously am but being a bottom makes me feel very feminine and girly. I dont know why I feel that way. I just came out about a month and a half ago so I am still not used to the gay lifestyle and I am still trying to find who I am as a person and stuff. I just want to be happy with who I am and not have to worry about the stereotypes. Another stereotype that bothers me is, every gay relationship there is the person who is the "man" and the person who is a "girl" and to me I feel like the "girl" because not only of the bottom thing but because well I am dating a guy so obviously if he is a guy I guess that means I am the girl. I fucking hate society. They have made me so confused with who I am with all the stereotypes. Before I came out I knew I was gay but I would never worry about stupid shit like this. Even when I would fool around with people in secret.
     
  5. TheFirstStep

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    I can completely understand your worries. I mean, I consider myself a masculine guy, and I admit that some gay stereotypes are easy to accept as a fact.

    I have had thoughts about bottoming, but I can never quite get myself to be comfortable with the idea of being a bottom. Im completely open to flip-floping between the two in order to get an idea of what I like. But until then, im willing to stay with where im comfortable. Regardless of whether or not im following the stereotype.

    my advice to you is to just do as you feel comfortable, and to keep an open mind. and tonignor the stereotypes. I've already shocked my friends by coming out as gay, and they all said the same thing. "you don't look... Talk...". Proving to me that stereotypes aren't always true.

    I am still deeply buried in the closet, im only out to three of my best friends at the time of this post, but I can tell you, these are things that I think about all the time.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    You probably just need more time to get used to all this and to get comfortable with yourself. This sounds like a self confidence thing really.

    It also depends on who you end up dating. My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, and I don't think at any time did either of us ever feel like 'the girl' in the relationship.

    Sexually, we're both 'versatile' in that we both top and bottom - depending on our moods. (Although to be honest, it's almost like we take turns...) That has worked for us.

    In terms of household responabilities, we split them all up. He does most of the grocery shoppiong and cooking, but I do most of the laundry, ironing and cleaning. (He might argue about the cleaning part!) I am responsible for most of the car maintenance stuff, but he does a lot of our banking and paying of the bills. I like to plan our holidays and nights out, but he is the tech guy in the house. It's a real balance, and it always has been. It's just the kind of people we are. So it will depend on the kind of person you are, and who you end up dating.

    And with respect to society, nobody, ever, has asked the two of us who is the girl in the relationship. Nobody. People don't care, and if they care they're tactful enough not to ask. It really isn't any of their business anyway - even if there was an answer.
     
  7. Lance

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    There is no "girl" in a male-male relationship. And I hate that some gay people feel they should follow a heterosexual model for a relationship. It's just 2 normal guys doing regular, everyday things. There is no female role or male role. And being a bottom does not make you girly at all and I'm sure whoever you are with is not seeing you as a female during the act either.
     
  8. Gen

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    Disclaimer: I would like to first say that any foul language that I use when I speak on my thoughts/opinions are only there because I am being completely honest with what were my initial reactions, so dont judge me for them :wink:.

    You know, on a logical level, given my personality and the personality that I am often more attracted too, it is more likely that with my future relationships many would see me more as the weaker/more womanly role. Even if only because the men I am attracted to are almost always more masculine than me to some extent. I often see many gay men struggle with this feeling of being seen as less of a man, or in the "female role", because of this or that. However, when I first had this issues/situation brought up to me, my initial reaction was.........well...

    Why the fuck should I care?

    Again, excuse my blatantcy, but you are a man because your special parts dangle, not because you can name everyone on your local football team. Who cares where you rank by societies standards? It only changes something about you if you let it. Imagine the amount of time in our lifes, the amount of thinking possiblity, wasted on the opinions of others.

    Honestly, I couldnt care less, and you shouldnt either. The boyfriend/husband and I will both be men because we both have dangly parts. I'll probably be a little be more feminine, he will probably be a little bit more masculine. I am not into toping at all, so he will essentially always be in that role. They could deem me as the female role, they could call me a fucking unicorn if it makes them feel fuzzy inside. Regardless, I am going to be content with myself and the man I love, and I couldnt give any less of two shits what they thought of our relationship.
     
  9. Colin S

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    You genuinely believe in that 'who is the girl' nonsense? Seriously, you are both male, there is no metaphorical female in a gay relationship, just as there are no metaphorical men in a lesbian one, bottoming doesn't make you a girl, having a vag makes you a girl.
     
  10. TheFirstStep

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    Its true. There is no 'girl' in a gay relationship. You are both men.

    ITs just that our straight counterparts feel the need to label us with their heterosexual labels.

    And sometimes we choose to use these labels to better describe our 'roles' (for lack of a better word) in a relationship. When in fact, we are just that... Two Men in a relationship, no girl, no heterosexual labels. Just that.

    I like to think of it as the use of a simile. Its their way(and sometimes ours I have to admit) to understand us from their perspective.
     
  11. jvn95

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    Hey there (again).

    I can understand where you come from almost completely.

    I wish I had the urge to penetrate, and be a top. It's really strange, it's like saying "I don't like football, but I wish I had the urge to like it."

    You know where this stems from,
    stereotypes and self esteem.

    I wish I had the urge to because being "the bottom" means being penetrated, and it also means metaphorically giving up power and "being the woman". Which lead to a couple of issues me and you discussed before.

    Being the top or the bottom does not mean anything about you who are as a whole, nor does it mean you are "the woman" in the relationship.

    It's easier said than done right? I have alot of power, control, and dominance issues I have to work out with myself, so this is why I think I have a problem with being bottom.

    Does this sound like this could be the case for you as well?
     
  12. PinkTractor

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    "The weaker/more womanly role"...

    "It means metaphorically giving up power and being the woman"...

    Um, guys? If you were a female member of this site.....and you read quotes like those...do you think you might feel that being a woman in general is being equated with being weak and powerless compared to men?
    Maybe it's just me, but I really don't find that assertion to be either accurate or comfortable. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, but please don't apply those tired old stereotypes to women in general. It's just not very nice. Thanks.
     
  13. Akatosh

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    I worry about this as well. I am still holding my v-card, but I know what I like. My fear is that I'll get into a relationship and become exclusively top/bottom; rather, I'd like it to be mixed, random and chaotic. Maybe not so much chaotic, but definitely not the same thing everytime.
     
  14. FashionDisaster

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    Reading some of these post made me want to point something out.

    There is a strong link between misogyny and homophobia.

    Being a gay man, especially one who bottoms, is seen as making someone less of a man and more of a woman. Calling someone a girl, a pussy, or anything related to being a woman is an insult. Conversely, calling someone a man or anything considered masculine tends to be seen as a complement. Being a woman is only considered negative and insulting because people consider women to be inferior to men. Its the same reason that so many guys will get upset if they feel you are questioning their masculinity.

    Being a woman, or acting feminine, doesn't make anyone inferior though. I honestly believe that women are completely equal to men, and I'm not insulted with being compared to a woman. True, women tend to be physically weaker than men, but in our modern society that doesn't matter. Would it have made any difference in the election if Romney had been able to bench 50 lbs more than Obama?

    Understand, I'm not calling anyone here a misogynist or saying that there is a "female" person within same sex male relationships. I do think that it might be very helpful though, for someone to look into their thoughts and feelings, especially normally subconscious ones, about why being compared to a woman makes them uncomfortable. You know what gender you are, so why should you care about what others think? Especially if they are the sort of person who thinks that it is somehow wrong or lessening to be a woman.
     
  15. jvn95

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    ^^^ Indeed
     
  16. myheartincheck

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    Well I guess I'd be considered "the man" then since in my mind I'm generally dominant... but that isn't really associated with being a bad thing usually... Still I'm a WOMAN and I like being a woman... and a dominant woman at that lol (in my mind anyway... haven't had a chance to put my fantasies into practice...)

    I know I'm not a man so I can't fully understand but:
    Men, don't feel like you're any less of a man just because you like to be submissive in bed and I won't feel like I'm any less of a woman if I wanna be the dominant partner in a same sex relationship. :slight_smile:
     
  17. Motov

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    Just be comfortable about your true self and don't worry what others think. I'm not into anal sex period, In this world it is presumed either you top or bottom, as if there was no other choice. I don't do ass. I won't do ass, I don't like ass, and that is ok with me.
    You don't like the "Nelly" image of a bottom, that's fine to,... there is nothing wrong with a masculine bottom. You sound like you need to prove this to others, you only need to know yourself what you are. Just be who you are and no one else.
    If other people cannot accept it, It's their loss, Do not change into someone you are not, or you will be miserable living a lie.
    That's my advice to you. There are many "misfits" out there,.... you are not alone.
    I hope you find someone who will respect you for who you are.
     
  18. Pat

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    Well, things are only as clear cut as you make them. I consider myself to be on Top, less confusing when I'm the one seeking. That's because my main thoughts are based around, well.. fucking a guy. But, I also have times where I would like to receive. But that's only in rare, rare cases where I actually really like the guy and I deem him to be more "masculine" than I am. So, for relationship purposes, I would like to be versatile. I've had great experiences with both. The real issue going on with you is not about sex though, it's more about your identity as a man. I think you would be comfortable being a bottom if your top would include you in things that you consider to be masculine. Don't get so caught up on labels. I told a guy recently, who's clearly a bottom/twink type that yeah, he's going to remain a bottom haha, but it doesn't have to mean that he's inferior to me. A man won't tell you this, but in a straight relationship, when it comes to matters of the heart, the man looks to his woman for guidance. not saying you would be my woman, but that you add a different kind of value that can be as equal as you make it. If there's no desire to be a top, this is really irrelevant to what's going on with you. If you want to pursue more masculine activities, just start out trying to build friendships or learn a new sport.
     
  19. inlove21

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    You don't have to listen to the stereotypes of gay relationships. You do not have to conform to what society says you have to be. You are already going against the grain just by being a gay male. Meaning you can make up ypuw own rules. In my relationship I mostly bottom, but I still feel just as masculine. Sometimes even more masculine. What happens in the bedroom between you and your lover is private between you two. No one even has to know that you are a bottom.

    Also maybe you should bring it up to your partner about topping him. Make up your own rules and continue being yourself. Dost worry about what people think.
     
  20. Gen

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    Oh no, I'm sorry. Weaker in comparison to him, not weaker in gender worth.

    I would like to believe that no one on here was speaking about women literally, rather the ideal of the "female role" in a relationship. While on a legal level women are considered equal, the idea that women take on a lesser, more submissive role in relationships/marriage is still extremely at large in society. And whether we want to believe we follow any of it, it is plastered everwhere in society, to the point that we dont even recognize it anymore.

    So I believe the men in this thread were being offended by the stereotype of the female role, not women themselves. I already voiced my opinion on how I dont understand why this is such an issue in the LGBT community and men in general.