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incompatible orientation - can we be friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ettina, Nov 23, 2012.

  1. Ettina

    Regular Member

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    I have a question for gay/lesbian or asexual members here.

    How do you handle someone of the opposite gender coming onto you? Particularly if you might be interested in befriending them, but don't want them expecting or hoping for something more? Is it possible to just be friends with someone who's attracted to you? Or is it going to lead to frustration and hurt, as they keep trying and you rejecting them?

    And how do you know whether you two can be friends, or whether they'll keep pushing for more?
     
  2. well in my experience its those of the same gender who are attracted to me that cause the most bother lol.

    a girl who was my friend told me she liked me and i was like no sorry i dont think of you like that. she said alright, but over time she kept pushing and pushing and wouldnt take no as an answer. some girls just think just because im a lesbian im attracted to them because they are a woman also..... lol. im still friends but its sometimes difficult.

    ive had guys say they like me and me telling them that it really wont work and then we are only ever friends, we hang out one to one very occasionally. even if those guys are still interested in me they never make it known, they accept who i am is who i am they dont push it at all. once or twice if they are drunk they might make one or two flirty comments, but they are drunk so i just brush it off. it doesnt bother me.

    it can work, but it all depends on who the person is i assume. you can try and be friends but if they keep pushing then tell them youll have to stop being their friend.
     
  3. musikk021

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    I'll answer your question by first sharing my little anecdote.

    In my junior year of high school, there was a guy in my history class who liked me. He was new to the school, and I had never met him before. Back then in high school was when teachers assigned seats to us, and I ended up sitting right behind him. He'd always turn around every chance he got to talk to me and be flirty with me. As he kept trying to talk to me, he asked for my number, added me on myspace (yes, when myspace was still in haha), and just talked to me all the time. He'd call me, text me, message me as soon as I signed on myspace, etc. He asked me to the movies and even asked if my parents would like him if they met him. At school, sometimes if our teacher wasn't in the classroom and we were waiting outside for class to begin, he'd always give me a hug before class. Then after class, he'd walk with me for a while before going to his next class. Then over winter break, he texted me one day asking if I liked anyone. He didn't know that I'm gay and was in love with a girl, so I just said no. Then he kept asking if I wanted a boyfriend, and everytime I said no, he kept asking why. I just said, "Because I don't." Then he asked me if I wanted to guess who he had a crush on. I just said I didn't know and he kept asking me to guess. Finally, he told me he liked me. Then things got awkward from then on.

    When we came back to school after winter break, I felt so weird around him. He'd still hug me and talk to me, but obviously, there was an awkwardness there. He still tried to ask me to the movies, and I just kept putting it off. After a while, we talked less and less. Then the school year ended and he moved back to LA.

    So, for me, I didn't handle the situation very well at all. I've never had a guy tell me they like me before, and seeing as that I was gay in the closet, I couldn't give him a rational explanation as to why I wouldn't go out with him. I was just evasive, and I wasn't as nice about it as I should/could have been. He was a really, really nice guy and super sweet, and I really liked being friends with him. But since he took the chance of telling me he liked me and I didn't reciprocate, then things got weird. This is something that I still look back on today and feel regretful about. It's not that I regret rejecting him but that I regret how I handled it. I wish I would've been kinder and that I could've tried to stay friends with him. I was just so shocked and taken aback that I didn't know what else to do but avoid him.

    Is it possible to be friends with someone who's attracted to you? Yes...if they hide their feelings and you never know about it. But they just end up getting hurt secretly. Just as I had been in love with my straight best friend since 8th grade until now, we've been friends all these years, but she'll never know how much agony I'm in over her. If they decide to tell you and you don't reciprocate, then I think it's unlikely that you can just be friends without any awkward tension there.
     
    #3 musikk021, Nov 23, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2012