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Running out of time

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by musikk021, Nov 23, 2012.

  1. musikk021

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    There's this girl who I've had classes with for 4 semesters in a row (unplanned). We never talked to each other for the first two, sat next to each other and talked a little in the third and acknowledged that we knew each other from our other classes, and now in the fourth semester, we sit next to each other and I've gotten to really like her over the course of the term. We really only talk about school, classes, and our major (we're both English majors), but from our conversations and what I do know about her, I really like her. She's so cute, kind, smart, and just a good girl. She's quiet and shy, like me, and I feel like we have a lot of compatible characteristics. She makes me so nervous, and I'm just stupid and can't get myself to start conversations with her about things outside of school. I'm too afraid to even add her on facebook.

    Now I'm down to the last three weeks of school, and I've been so sad thinking that I may never see her again after this. I'll bet she's straight, and even if she miraculously isn't, she's way out of my league and she could never like me. I just can't help but feel like it's somehow meant to be that we keep getting classes together. There's over 60 different courses to choose from in our major with different teachers at different times, but somehow, we end up in the same classes 4 semesters in a row. That's gotta mean something!

    I'm at a loss as to what I can do about this! :icon_sad: There's nothing I can say to her. All I can do is hope that we get a class together for a 5th semester in a row. I'm so saddened by the thought of never seeing her again, but at the same time, if I do have another class with her, it'll only perpetuate my feelings and make me hurt even more when I continue falling for her. But I'm running out of time with 3 weeks left of this semester, and I don't know what I can do. Any advice please? :icon_redf
     
  2. Amicus

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    I think it would be worth your while to try asking her to hang out outside of class. I'm sure you've thought of doing this many times: it's just a matter of actually saying it. It's as simple as asking her to do something you were already planning on doing. Maybe something like this:

    "Hey [Classmate], I'm going to get [food/beverage] at [food/beverage place on or near campus] after class. Want to come with me?"

    "How is your final paper going? I was going to start writing mine in the library later today if you'd like to commiserate with me."

    I know I'm somewhat trivializing it when I say it's simple. I'm really shy too, so I know that it will feel terrifying and awkward for you, but either way you win. If she says yes, then you get to hang out with her! And get to know her better! And then gauge whether your other feelings for her are realistic. If she says no, then that's a bummer and will feel painful, but you'll be able to begin the process of moving on if that's the case.

    Who knows: if she's shy too, she might want to do the same thing, but be afraid to. If that's so, she'll thank her lucky stars that you took the initiative to push things forward!

    When in doubt, it's usually better to do something and find yourself saying, "Well that didn't work out as planned..." vs. not doing anything and constantly thinking to yourself "What if...?".
     
  3. musikk021

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    Thanks for your answer, Amicus. You're right. I'm always imagining what would happen if I had the guts to ask her to do this or that outside of class. Hell, I'll even settle for being able to open my mouth to ask her about any topic besides school. She's always listening to her ipod (as am I), and I've always wanted to just ask, "What kind of music do you like?" Or even things as simple as: what tv shows do you watch? what do you do on the weekends? what's your favorite book? It's soooo simple, yet I can't seem to do it. I just feel like I'd be a creeper if I kept asking her random questions out of nowhere. I don't want to be a bother. What if she doesn't want to talk to me?

    Even if I did have the nerve to ask her to grab a bite after class, it wouldn't work out with her schedule. On the days that we have class together, she has several other classes immediately after it. She's also not on campus two days out of the week since she doesn't have classes on those days.

    I feel like it's a hopeless situation, but I haven't had anyone make me feel like this in a long time and I don't want to just walk away at the end of the semester.
     
  4. Shyguy5

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    I say you should try to befriend her. I've posted a similar situation on EC.

    This whole semester I was feeling the same way you are feeling. My guy likes the same things I do and I alos suspected that he was gay. For the first few weeks in the semester, we sat next to each other and would say hi to me but I was to shy to continue conversions.

    After the first month, the seat next to me was always taken and he had to sit somewhere else. I thought "now how can I talk to him now?" Guess what I did, I found him on facebook ( I was a little nervous because we didn't have mutual friends) and he accepted my request. I got over my nerves because he knows what I look like and he was always friendly. Life in the classroom didn't change because I was still shy until one day I walk up to him after class and had a nice chat ( i was still nervous but got over it).

    We chat a few times on facebook and outside of class (got to know each other a bit). The other day on fb chat i asked if he was ok with knowing that I was gay and he said yeah and that he has a best friend that's gay. I'm also in my last few weeks of the semester and don't know if I'll ever see him again.

    People say that I'm extremely shy, I thought that my shyness would hold me back and I kept thinking that if I don't talk to this guy now I'll always regret. I dont know whether hes gay or not but i took a chance and now slowing building a friendship. Sorry for my long story, I know when I posted on here I wanted to know if someone went thorugh this situation. I hope I helped just a little.
     
    #4 Shyguy5, Nov 23, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2012
  5. musikk021

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    Thanks for sharing your story! It's good to know that someone else understands where I'm coming from, and I'm glad that you worked up the courage to add him on facebook and to talk to him. I just feel like it's too late now at this point that I'm at. There's 3 weeks left...whereas I should've started to befriend her at the beginning of the school year. And I've already known her for 4 semesters: that's 2 years! I just never thought of her or saw her this way until this semester, and now I feel so bad that I took for granted the other 3.

    I know that if I add her on facebook, she would accept. That's not an issue; it's a given. People always accept. I just don't want to seem stalkerish that I looked her up haha. I'm extremely shy and on top of that, I have social anxiety. Social situations in general make me nervous...let alone one with a cute girl that I like. I sit next to her every class, and we always say hi and then bye when we leave. In between that, I get too nervous to say or ask her anything. It's probably for the best anyways...I don't have a chance with her. I'm in over my head.
     
  6. Shyguy5

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    I'm glad I can lend a hand. You're pracitically feeling how I felt earlier this sesemster. Since you two both say hi and bye, you should add her on facebook w/ a message and talk to her in person (it doesn't matter which order since you're both acquainted). This way you keep contact while building a base for a friendship without being stalkerish.

    I remember when I messages this guy (now new friend) We talked about the mid term for class the next day. After that, we talked about video games, celebrities, and a gay frat. The next day, I was a little sad because he usually comes to class late and I wanted him to sit next to me but he rushed to the nearest sit he could find. I ended up finishing my test early and sat in the student commons area. Like you, I got a little disappointed in myself because I thought my days of befriending him were numbered (8weeks left in the semester at the time).

    To my surprise, my new friend walk up to me and we talked briefly about how we did on the test. I was taken by surprise since I'm shy I have to prepare before I talk to people I don't know well (yeah I'm weird). So I didn't really ask how he did on the test and then he left because from what he told me he doesn't have time after class (I think he got a job half way in the semester).

    Even now I still have to work on my shyness when we say hi and bye but when I talk to him for a few seconds I get comfortable. I plan on talking to him on Tuesday, the first time Ill see him since coming out to him and him accepting me. I know it's hard to fight off your shyness but no one else but you can (I'm doing presentation on shyness and my new friend is in that class plus I might reference him in it). After a few days of chatting either on fb or in person, you can ask to try and keep in touch instead of being just another classmate. I also felt like I was out of my league, this guy is in shape and charismatic (looks like darren criss) but I found out that he use to be overweight as a kid like I was (still in the process of losing weight). This made me see him as a real person i can relate/talk to and not some 2 dimensional crush with no flaws.

    Anyway, we shy people just have to work a little bit harder than most. Dont give up and Good luck:thumbsup:
     
    #6 Shyguy5, Nov 23, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2012
  7. Shyguy5

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    Here's a short film that I found relatable and it also helped me in the situation you're in

    On the Bus - YouTube
     
  8. Rinamir Mortem

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    I would definitely advise befriending her via facebook, considering the time you have left (although don't let that stop you trying). Facebook, and the internet in general, can be a good place for people who are shy, including myself to find a voice and you might find yourself opening up more to her through this and then questions like music taste or hanging out might come more naturally. For all intents and purposes, she might even initiate a friendship easier that way too. Also, Facebook would give you a connection to her beyond your classes and beyond school when you leave.

    I did the same with another person I liked not long ago as a mere "sod it" and "take the risk or regret it" reaction. We weren't in the same course at Uni (he was in the LGBT I chair) but with Facebook I could contact him. Unfortunately, around there was when I learnt he had a boyfriend so my hopes crashed quicker than the hindenburg. But we still chat every now and then and I am glad I befriended him because if I hadn't I could still be ignorantly swooning over a lost cause.

    Ultimately, don't rely on fate to put you in the same classes again and realise that there are other methods to keep you in touch with her. I wish I could give you some pearl of wisdom about getting over your shyness lightning fast but unfortunately, the only way is to erode your barriers like water does a rock.

    Also, I noticed you said you didn't want to be a bother, something I completely relate to you with. So many times I have contemplated sending messages or texts to those I liked or were with just as a mere trivial "hey, how are things" but didn't because I didn't want to bother, or I felt almost guilty having wasted their time replying to it. But this can cripple you as it has me because we over analyse what we are going to say. Of course, it stops us saying things completely pointless or out of the blue that we would regret but a simple question like "what's your taste in music", while seemingly pointless, trivial and even irritating, is just simple small talk and might lead to other topics of conversation.

    You already seem to have a friendship anyway that has lasted about half a year judging by your posts so small talk like that should be a relatively small barrier considering you have made a friendship without it. Take it from me, if you have a goal in mind go for it, you might feel better having said what you wanted to say rather than doubting yourself over it. And if you get very little out of it don't see it as a failure, it is far from it, because you have done something you couldn't before and this is a positive thing :grin: I really do wish you the best of luck (*hug*)

    EDIT:

    Also, sorry for the tome of a reply :confused:
     
  9. musikk021

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    Thanks for sharing that! It's very relatable and very true as well. I guess we can never really know what someone else thinks of us unless they say it. But at the same time, how often do things like that work out? How often does it happen that the person we like actually secretly likes us too? I mean, who am I to think that someone would feel about me the way I feel about them, you know? But anyways, thanks for sharing the video! It makes me think...

    ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2012 at 10:17 PM ----------

    Thanks for your reply! No need to apologize for a lengthy one; I appreciate those the most! (*hug*)

    I know that Facebook would be my best bet, and it would take but the quick push of a button to connect with her on it. In a way though, I'm also scared that if I add her on facebook but still don't get to talking to her that it would only make me feel worse...to be able to see her profile all the time but still be so disconnected. In your case, at least you know that the guy you liked is gay. Even though he's with someone else, I think it's so much better that he's at least gay. I would rather like someone who's gay but in a relationship than to futilely like someone who's straight. But we can't help who we like, right?

    I'm glad you picked up on what I said about not wanting to be a bother. This is a real problem I haveā€”one that really holds me back from forming close friendships. I'm a very caring and thoughtful person, and I always have my friends and loved ones in mind. I often would like to just send them a quick text message to say hey or ask how they're doing or to just tell them I miss them, but I feel like I'd be annoying them or that I'd be weird for doing that. I don't want to make people feel obligated to reply to me. Sometimes people reply to people just because it'd be mean not to, while they really would rather not talk to that person. I don't want to be that annoying person (even though I know I'm not annoying). I always figure that if they wanted to talk to me, they would text me first. The few friends who I do keep in touch with always have to text me first. One of them gives me a hard time about never taking the initiative.

    In the same sense, I often wonder whether this girl in my class just sits next to me because she doesn't want to be mean and sit elsewhere or if she really wants to sit there. Even something like this I overanalyze and assume the worst.

    Even though I've had classes with her so many times and have spent this semester talking to her, I wouldn't count it as a friendship. It's more of an acquaintance, as much as I hate that it's only that. I can't get myself to ask her the random questions that I mentioned before. What makes it harder is that she's always listening to her ipod before class starts. I've noticed this about her in all 4 semesters I've known her. She always has her headphones in...as do I. To let her know that I'm open to talking, I often take out my headphones and put away my ipod when I sit down next to her. But if she still has hers in, it makes it more awkward to talk to her that way. Sometimes, before class, she's reading a book for her other class. Again, that makes me not want to bother her.

    Now it's my turn to apologize for the long-winded reply :confused: Sorry...I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks for reading and replying!