Hi all. So, i joined here because i'm really lonely and i'm not satisfied about my life at all and i just wanted to see if there is anyone who is having the same problems like me. I will write my story of my miserable life. From the beginning to the end. First i just want to apologize for my English because it's not my first language and i'm not good in writing but ill try because i want to share my story with all of you. Firstly, I'm 17 year old guy, gay and in the closet. I actually don't know when i started to like other guys, but i think that I know it for my whole life. For a long time i wasn't cool about it, i was trying to become straight, dating girls etc. That actually worked, i mean, all my friends and other people i know thought i was completely straight, I actually don't have the 'feminine' side, i mean, I don't behave like most of gay guys, waving like crazy, or walk different, or just behaving like that (no offense to anyone) so i was really confident that i would imagine myself with a girl in a future. Well, that didn't work as i expected. I started to get really depressing and it was actually really bad experience. After that period of time i stopped dating girls and started to hang out with my friends more. But that AGAIN lead to a depression and i actually dropped out off school because i was hating myself, and i wasn't thinking about anything except my 'problem'. That was making me crazy. After i failed with school i transfered into another one and i actually started to like it, i met a lot of friends, BUT i fell in love with my best friend from my class and he was straight but i liked him a lot. That lasted for 2 years and he was my first crush, but he was straight (or just buried in the closet, like me). After that situation i was in a depression, and i cried every night. So i just couldn't having all this problems in my heart so i admitted my girl friend that I'm gay. She took it OK. She was really surprised and couldn't believe it but she accepted me. But that actually didn't make any difference. I was still feeling really bad. Somehow after 2-3 months depression went away, but again after some time, it got back. My dad is sober for one and a half year. I am really glad for that, it changed my life and whole family was happy. At that time i actually thought to tell my dad that I'm gay but i heard conversation with my sister (she is 22 and supports gay community, but she has a boyfriend who does not) and my dad about homosexuality and gay parade. They started arguing and it actually lasted for a good half hour. The last thing i heard is my sister asking my dad "what would you do if your son is gay" and he said "i would probably kill him" (he is really religious). I stood in front of my doors for like 15min just staring at the wall and thinking. I was really dissapointed but i was expecting that. I don't know how my mom would react, but i don't want to stress her because she almost had a heart attack because of my school. I feel really bad for her because she went through everything (my dad alchololic, my sister having big problems with her health, and me dropping out of school). I just don't have strenght to tell her. But i really don't know how would she react. She never talked about homosexuality. And then there is my sister, best sister in the world. I don't know what i would do without her. She was always on my side and always taking care of me when my mum would go on a business trip (when my dad was alchololic). I'm actually seriously thinking to tell her but i'm afraid that she will tell everything to her boyfriend. And i just want to tell that i live in a really little city (50.000 people) and i actually couldn't find any other gay guy. I mean they are probably locked in the closet like i am because if you walk on the street and being openly gay you will probably get home with broken ribs... EDIT: I hope you will understood my english
First of all, it's great that you took the time to come here and tell your story. Nothing helps more than talking things out with people that understand what you're going through. I came out this year to a few close friends at first and later pretty much everyone I talk to on a regular basis (and a few family members). I asked every single person if they thought I was gay and everyone said they didn't see it coming at all. I thought too when I saw other gay people that I wasn't like that and these feelings were just a phase and I'd be able to go on and live an 'average' straight life like everyone else. Needless to say, I was wrong about that too. The first step is admitting it to yourself and you've done that - then telling someone. Even talking about it with one friend like you did is a step in the right direction. I can't really give much advice on coming out to parents - I'm only out to my mom and she seems rather indifferent to it (but not really accepting nor hating of it). If your sister is really supportive of gay people and the gay community, then she might be a good first person to tell. If you're honest and sincere with her, I doubt she would go off and tell her boyfriend or anyone else unless you were ready. I'm in a place where there's not a lot of openly gay people either, but it's slowly getting better and more diverse. I think as time goes on people will become more comfortable with it and people's values will change just like groups that were discriminated against in the past (I hope). There's no real 'right' time to come out, it's a process and the only person that can really determine when or how you should do it is yourself... whenever you feel ready and think the time is right. Welcome to EC and all the best in whatever coming out path you choose. You're not alone with this! (*hug*)
Thank you so much for your support! I think that i will come out when i can support myself, and not living with my parents, because there will be a big chance for my dad to kick me out from home. So i just need to keep everything inside for at least 3-4 years and not tell anyone :/ I actually thought that it will be easier to hide my sexuality, but it's not. It's actually really painfull expirience and it's effecting on my life, my school, friends and all important stuff. Well, i know that all of my friend (except some guy friends) will be totally supportive but i would hate to hear what other people are saying about me. And the bad thing is that i actually care about comments from people that i actually don't know or know each other a liitle bit. I actually have a crush on another friend. He is the same age as me, he loves sport, looks cute. We know each other for maybe 3 years and we just started to hang out more this year and we would go out every day and talk on facebook. I noticed that he is really close to me. He says to me that he loves me (as a friend ofc), he sends me kisses, likes to kiss me in the cheeks and other stuff... When we hang out he is little immature and he likes to place his hand on my crotch and then he looks at me and starts laughing. He likes to have his legs over mine and sometimes he put his hand over me. I mean, that's really gay. But when we are not alone he behaves totally different. I mean, he still sometimes grabs my crotch and starts to sensually touch my leg and looks at me and smiles. But he really behaves straight, he really likes sport (soccer and tennis), he sometimes talks about girls, or says something like "i would like to fuck her" but just that, he never talked about girls like he would like to go in a relationship and he has a really deep voice. I think that he was with a girl maybe 2 times, and that was when he was drunk and it was just for a one day, he only had one crush and that was all.. The reason i talk about this is because the more i hang out with him the more i think he is gay. Yesterday my friends and he came to my apartment to hang out and everything was great. We were having fun and after midnight he said he was sleepy and everyone went to bed except me... I was on a couch sitting and he called me from his room to tell me to come in his bed, i was surprised because it was a bed for one, not a king size bed. We weren't alone, in other bed there was 2 girl friends sleeping. After i lay down he actually hugged me and we slept maybe 30min and woke up. Then he started to behave immature. He started to sing to me, like some love song, yelling, and he started to kiss me all over the face, and humping me, which was actually funny. After that everyone wanted to go home because they were tired, but the problem was that he was the only one without a ride home. He said he will go with taxi but i asked him if he wants to sleep here because taxi is pretty expensive. He was thinking for a minute and then said yes and started smiling. He asked me if we would sleep together in one bed and i said "no problem" and he was just looking at me and smiling. And then everyone else start to laugh and saying we would have a hot night or something like that.. And he was still just smiling and didn't say anything. But he remembered that he needs to go with his dad early in the morning to help him with something and went with a taxi home. He promised me he would sleepover next weekend. )) So yes... I'm now waiting for next saturday. I think we will go out today also, just to light a cigarette and talk a little. So, what do you think guys? Do i have a chance? Is he gay? Or just having fun? I will keep you posted ) EDIT: I never thought that it will be so nice to tell other people about my problems.. I actually feel like a new man
i am pretty confident that this guy maybe gay. There are guys that do joke around like that but I don't think a straight guy would take it this far if he was completely straight. I kind of wish I was in your situation when I was your age. I dreamed of that so many times.
Since you're both teenage guys, it's hard to tell whether or not he's into guys. Odds are (or the safest assumption, at least) is that he's just being immature and doing the thing a lot of teenage guys do - try and make things as awkward as possible for "fun". Just because he wasn't vehemently opposed to the idea of sleeping over doesn't make him gay either, just comfortable with his sexuality (whatever that is). The only advice anyone here can really tell you is to ask him. I know you're not out, but you can still ask him if he's into guys based on his actions, even if it is a little bit rude. But it's better than assuming he's gay while you're closeted and trying to make any moves.
If he is really gay he wouldn't want to say that. None of us "gay in the closet" guys in my city would wanted to be known as a gay person. :dry: I think that next weekend i will get him drunk and maybe he would be more comfortable as me when I'm drunk... I wouldn't tell him that I'm gay because i don't know how he would react. I remember one thing he said. Something about group sex with one girl and two guys. He said it is disgusting and can't having sex when is one guy touching him with his balls. :icon_bigg Well, everything is great until you find out that he is straight. I hope this one is not.. :lol: But he has a lot of male friends, and he does this things only with me.. With others is just talking about sport and thats all.. It's really not common that male friends are so close to each other in my country/city. We don't have sleepovers (only girls). We don't sleep in the same bed and we surely don't kiss and hug each other. The last thing i want to do is ask him. And I'm apsolutely sure he would say no and act weird in front of me. And we don't have much time to be alone so i can ask him in private. In my country is better to be gay in the closet, 40 years old, have 2-3 children and being unhappy and believe that you are sick and you need help. Thats the case in my country :icon_sad:
It is possible that he could be gay but it's not really possible to tell for sure aside from him saying it. I would guess he may be but i doubt he's ok with it or has even totally realized it yet. He probly likes flirting or playin around with you but may not have thought about it deeper than that. I would not ask him yet just give things time and let them play out and enjoy the ride. There is no rush to push things right now. Now that being said you could just take your chances like i would and ask him or make a move but don't unless you're prepared for possible rejection.
The thing to remember about cultural standards is they influence and define a lot of things, but not everything. If he feels comfortable enough with you to do those things, then he will. It's also possibly a case that he feels he shouldn't due to cultural standards, but since the person it affects (you) let it slide the first couple of times, he now understands it as acceptable. Though nobody knows what's going on inside his head, so it's all speculation. The point is, you and I can both come up with reasonings why he did/didn't do certain things... but it doesn't make it any more accurate unless he says them. You can't talk to him or call him or something and ask to meet in private, to go for a walk maybe? I don't know where you live, but from my knowledge of the world it's unlikely that you could never get a chance to see him alone. Let's flip perspectives for a second and look at things from his shoes. For the sake of this argument, let's assume he is into guys. If you aren't willing to come out to him, what makes you think he's going to want to come out to you? You're going to leave yourself sitting and wondering whether or not he really is into guys for a long time, even longer if you're from somewhere where being gay is really frowned upon. From where you live, I don't know if coming out is a good idea or not, but I wouldn't hold the hope that he'll come out to you if you don't say anything - that's wishful thinking.
Yeah... I will wait until I'm sure about everything... I talked with him 30min ago and he told me he can't wait to come again and he suggested to hang out in my place on friday. I said sure. Next weekend we are going to get drunk with my friends so thats the perfect oportunity to do something. I know him when is drunk, he is always with me, hugging me, holding my hand etc. and that's in public, in front of disco. But now we are at my place and maybe he will be more comfortable.. Actually when we woke up yesterday his arms were around me and his leg was between mine legs... Oh man.. I was so happy when i woke up... You are right... And i completely understand you. But it's really nice that someone is carrying about you a little more. I never felt like this ever. I always hear how someone is in love, and they have girlfriends/boyfriends and a never knew how does it feel.... Well.. If this goes on like now.. I will surely do something... As i said. Next weekend he and my friends are coming to my apartment and we are going to drink and i hope so that he will be more comfortable in this surrounding where there is no strange people. I mean.. I'm satisfied with what we have now. But if something happens, i would be happy...
