This is going to be long...I apologize in advance...and may have objectionable themes. This is building off a post I put in the anonymous forum the other day. I've recently developed a huge, physically based crush on this girl at my campus which has thrown me for a loop because, while I kind of understood that I was attracted to some women it wasn't in the big, tingly way I was typically attracted to men. When I have been attracted to women in the past it's been in more of an emotional, soft sort of way. I accepted that as just part of my personality, like the fact that when I fantasize I often put myself in the male role, or when i write sex scenes in fiction I'm just as likely to write it from a male POV as a female. When I watch porn I tend to focus equally on both genders though really good lesbian (ie: not 99% of what's out there) is amazing....but can't say I'm opposed to gay porn either. I just figured it was a quirk, after being quite homophobic in my high school/early twenties I became much more accepting and was just like. well, whatever. I always say gender as a bit of a continuum (though when I was younger I used to say I was a total hetero without a hint of same-sex attraction even though I knew it wasn't true) so i just accepted that I was a bit less than straight. I guess I could live with being sometimes attracted to women because I was also more attracted to men. But in the last few years my attraction for men has kind of dulled and I've been pretty asexual (not involved in dating or sex). So this overwhelming feeling of attraction for this girl has me pretty unsettled. I guess it feels like one thing to crush on girls in film or singers etc.or in passing when I at a pub or something but another thing to have a fullblown crush on a living, breathing woman that I see on a regular basis. So now I don't know what to think. -I'm really only physically attracted to butch women and many look like men anyway, especially considering the fact that I'm attracted to girly looking men anyway so maybe it's just a type rather than an orientation issue. -After some harassing by friends I went out on a couple dates with men in the last couple years, they kissed me and my skin just kind of crawled but they weren't really my type (very manly men). -(abuse warning), the thing is that a couple years back I also did some therapy and disclosed the sexual abuse I'd suffered as a child (by men). So now I'm thinking maybe that is messing with me. I never did any work around it, just disclosed the story and kind of moved on. Could that be why my attraction to men is so low right now? -A big part of me just wants to go and do it so I can get it out of my system once and for all. -But then I'm like, maybe I just want nurturing right now and since I haven't got that in the past from men maybe my brain is telling me to try women. I know some of that was probably offensive to read but I just wanted to be truthful even though my mind is being so freaking discriminatory at present.
Hi there! I didn't find your post at all offensive, just a heartfelt exploration of your feelings. I have seen offensive posts on this forum before, but they are typically not prefaced by an apology or disclaimer. So, I will give you my thoughts on your story, but they may not be ordered as I tend to write in stream-of-consciousness most of the time. There are two separate aspects of your psyche that you seem to be addressing here, even though you presented them as the same. What I am referring to is "Gender Orientation" and "Sexual Orientation". Based on what you said about viewing yourself from/ writing from the "male role" there is a slight possibility of genderfluidity here, but I doubt that is the case. However there are plenty of Transgender/Genderqueer members of EC that are better at addressing that than I am. Let me back up a bit. Gender Orientation and Sexual Orientation are two very different things. The latter being who you want to be with physically (sexual), emotionally (romantic), or both. The former deals with what gender you most identify yourself being as a person. Both of these are a spectrum, there are many shades of gray, and polarization, especially in terms of sexual orientation, is usually more fluid in women than in men. Granted, I am one of those guys that gets to straddle the middle of the Kinsey scale myself, but I enjoy being an outlier! From what I can tell from your post, it sounds like you are rather Bisexual. When you refer to being in "the man's role" are you referring to dominant rather than submissive? Because that has little to do with gender and more to do with personality type. However, the cultural bullshit of "gender roles" is very pervasive and tends to frame men as dominant and women as submissive. However, if you actually imagine yourself as a man, then I am off on the wrong tangent so forgive me please. Even though I am a guy, a lot of your story echoes for me. I remember my first major physical crush on a guy, and it was both intoxicating and devastating. He never new, and I was far too closeted at the time to tell him... Even though I still think that his barn door swings both ways. I was very homophobic as well, denial ran strong in my heart, and I hated myself more often than not for being unable to control who I was. Here's why I think you are Bi though: You see, even though we tend to straddle the middle digits of the Kinsey Scale (Alfred Kinsey's scale of sexual orientation) we don't often stay completely centered. Attraction tends to oscillate between one or the other. The dominant attraction usually corresponds to whoever you are dating or whoever you have a crush on at the time, in your case this girl you see on campus. This is exactly what mine does, it took me awhile to recognize the patterns of it though. Another piece of evidence I see is that you are attracted to more feminine men and more butch women. When you are bisexual, speaking from my perspective again, it is almost like you are attracted to a third set of characteristics, a third gender almost. I prefer my girls to be tomboyish, and I prefer my boys to not be overly masculine so I understand that. Bisexual attraction is not very well understood, especially since it is only fairly recently being acknowledged as a "legitimate" orientation alongside hetero and homo sexuality. It's not one or the other, it's something else. First off, I am very admiring of the courage it took to share that with your therapist and also with those of us here at EC. I am so sorry that it happened to you; I still can't believe that other humans can be such monsters. Yes, it does have to potential to complicate things, but if abuse is at the root of an aversion to one gender or the other, it tends to be longer term. My cousin for instance was horribly abused as a child and is the only "out" homosexual in my extended family. I don't know where she lies on the Kinsey Scale, I never asked, but I do know that she despises men as a result of what was done to her. It doesn't sound like you hate men (which is good, some of us are alright), but it is good that you are exploring this with a professional. So, long story short, I believe you are bisexual and are in a more female-dominant oscillation in your attraction right now. My advice, accept it and have fun. If your heart tells you to be with a woman, perhaps it is time to explore that avenue. Life is beautiful, and it is tragic that we have so few years to fully live it! There are some hurdles you may face if you come out as Bi; just fair warning. People may assume you are only doing it for attention. This isn't true, there are straight girls I know that make out with other girls because guys think it's hot, but you seriously do not even remotely sound like one of them. People may think that you are "loose" and "incapable of fidelity". This is ridiculous if you are a cheater, you are a cheater. This transcends gender and orientation, being Bi means you are attracted to both, not that you want to screw everything that moves. Lastly, people may think that you are gay and partially in denial, not wanting to eschew "straight privilege". This is also wrong, some people in the past have come out as Bi despite being fully gay because it was a softer option, but if you are Bi, you are Bi. Either way you slice it, you're Queer, and if you're Queer you don't get straight privilege. Sorry to be a downer, but I just wanted to mention that. So, in conclusion, I wish you the best of luck! I hope my post answered some of your questions, and I am so happy that you chose to share with us. Welcome to EC, and keep us posted! Queerly Yours, The Seeker
Thank you so much Seeker Your reply helped settle a few things in my mind. As for the thing placing myself in the male role. It's not in a gender role way (wanting to be dominant because I'm a pretty shy and submissive person in general). It's more like my attention is draw by the pleasure that a woman is experiencing and wanting to be in the role of delivering that (though, to be fair, I also like doing the thought of doing the same for men just not in the last few years). Though, that being said, I was pretty tomboyish growing up and everyone assumed I was gay but I became more feminine later and I never wanted to change my gender. I just accepted being less feminine. Anyway, I made an appt to talk with a friend of mine tomorrow evening. While she is straight herself, she also has close transgendered and queer friends so I figure that I can kind of talk to her about my feelings and she might be able to point me in the right direction (b/c I know no LGBTQ people unless you count classmates or ppl on facebook that I haven't seen face to face in like 15 years). Again, I want to thank you for writing such a lovely and detailed reply. As you can tell I like to talk and I'm glad it wasn't that overwhelming
