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How soon to bring up 'intent' of rel'ship?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by confuscious, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. confuscious

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    So i just met a guy the other day - and we really hit it off.
    Will be meeting him again for coffee soon, and want to know should i bring up my intent with the relationship so soon?

    Or should i wait it out a bit more?
    Dont want to mess this up.
     
  2. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    There's no shame in bringing up your desires early, so you can bring them up at the end of your meet-up when you meet for coffee. The key is to choose how you do it. Saying, "I really like you and would like to be in a relationship with you if you'd like to be in one with me," is asking a lot of someone, regardless of how well you know them. I recommend bringing it up the way the last guy I dated brought it up: he asked me if I liked the activity he had in mind ("Do you like apple picking?"), and when I said I did, that's when he dropped the "d" word ("How'd you like to go on a date to this orchard up in (whatever city it was)?").

    In general, start by asking him if he likes doing X activity at X location (or just ask him if he likes going to X location), and if he does, ask him if he'd like to go on a date at X location. By using the word "date", you're making your intentions knows, but it's not as contractual of a request as asking him to be in a relationship with you is.
     
  3. caramba2654

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    Your intentions? Like, you want to date that guy? It depends on you. And just as Owen said, mind the way you tell him. If you feel like you can do it now, then do it. But if, at any point, something happens that you think would make some other things go wrong, then you should wait a little bit. It's a wide variable, and you just need to be sure that everything is going to be okay if you do what you're planning to do.
     
    #3 caramba2654, Nov 24, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2012
  4. confuscious

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    yup

    EDIT: and thanks Owen! Sounds great.
    problem is im newly out/coming out.... so is it awkward to bring up that and make sure things are cool there?
     
  5. wandering i

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    If you can mention it casually without forcing him to commit to something, I think it's fine to bring it up early. "It's been a while since I've gone out with a guy," (or something like that) is one way to bring to topic to that of romance/dating. You could mention a previous boyfriend or give him compliments to drop the hint that you're interested in him as more than a friend. You can gauge his reaction- if he seems uncomfortable or steers away from that kind of talk, he may not be interested in more than friendship. Try just getting to know him better and let him in on more information about yourself. Then, if the opportunity to ask him out comes up and it seems like he's receptive to dating, go for it. If you can't read him after a while of knowing each other and hanging out, that's when I would directly confess and ask for his reply.
     
  6. Ichi42go

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    I'd say considering how new this sounds, you may just want to make it clear you want to see him again, but maybe not use the word "date". Some people consider "dating" to be a very loaded word. Even if the situation is, in fact, a date in both of your minds, it might be a little early to bring it all to the surface in one conversation.

    Just try to get to know him better. Because if he has different "intents" than you, those often become clear earlier than later. That being said, if he brings it up, feel free to role with the conversation, or if it seems appropriate, bring it up yourself. But bringing it up out of nowhere might send a few wrong signals.
     
  7. Owen

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    I don't think so, though I'm not exactly sure what you mean by making sure "things are cool out there".