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Venting

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bassbolt, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. Bassbolt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2011
    Messages:
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    Location:
    wexford, ireland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've been questioning my gender for almost a year. At first I felt it was just curiosity that would leave eventually. It didn't. The more I look in the mirror the more masculine I wish I look. I know my friends wouldn't take me seriously. There's only one who I'm positive would refer to me by male pronouns even if I wasn't around. Just the other day my school's parent teacher meeting was on and it made me really uncomfortable to think about the fact that my teachers were referring to me as "she" and "her" to my mother. You're not typically around when people are speaking about you in the third person, y'know? And that's bothering me. I don't know.

    For months I've been feeling suicidal at times and the fact that I chickened out every time I went to slit my throat only made me feel worse. I guess I'm improving. The fact that I'm considering the possibility of being alive to finish school is already an improvement. The thing is, I have trouble speaking. I'm okay with speaking to people who have been patient enough to get to know me but I've never initiated any of the conversations that led to me becoming friends with people. I've nearly always been introduced to my friends by other friends. The thought of having to speak german or irish in my final exams makes me light-headed, and on the occasions where the teachers pick me to practice, I stutter, all of my blood rushes straight to my head, I start shaking and I feel as if I'm going to cry or pass out. On the actual day of the exams I may not be so bad, but when practicing, it happens in front of the rest of the class. They all watch me. They all listen to me. I'm the center of attention. And I hate that. I try to avoid unnecessary attention at all costs and when I can't, I stop functioning. I don't know what's wrong with me.


    Yeah. That's pretty much it. I just needed to get that out of my system.
     
  2. lexi

    lexi Guest

    Dont hurt yourself (*hug*) it sounds like you're really stressed and could use some relaxing time.. And venting is good, this is a good place to do that :slight_smile:
    (sorry im not so great at advise giving yet)
     
  3. Pyrotactick

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2012
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    Location:
    California (never come here)
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm not transgender, but I'd love to be a woman for a change(I'm very feminine sometime)). You can always make that clear that you wish to be refered to as "he". One of my friends was a FtM and I called him "him" all the time knowing he told me to do so. Don't get mad, just make it clear, if people persist, then you may get a little annoyed.

    Aah, don't worry about those silly tests! There are worse things to kill yourself over! Also, slitting and choking isn't a really fun way to go out (I've done my share and it hurts more than helps). My brother has the same problem as you. What he does is he meditates to this recording that tells you "you are in control" and what not. Sure you might be a bit skeptical, but it helps. I'd recommend it. It's also nothing yoga like and very absurd. You simply have to lie down, turn of the lights, relax, and listen to his/her voice. Also, you say it's during practice when you start to swell up. Well think of this: It's just practice! Make a mistake and mess up, just try again. What I do when I present is I just talk as if I'm talking to myself, the crowd isn't important. You just have to remember what your saying and do it. You can look over people's head, that helps. Most importantly, take your time. Another thing is to get acqueinted with your audience, are you friends or know some of the people in your class? Like do you talk to them sometimes or can you get help from them if you just need it? Now that's a rant on my behalf.

    Good luck and best of wishes!
     
  4. FashionDisaster

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2012
    Messages:
    81
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    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    I use to have a lot of anxiety when I spoke in front of people, but eventually I figured out a trick that worked really well for me. I created a fake version of myself in my mind. It is basically acting as someone with the same name, looks, and almost the same personality as me but isn't me. Before I speak in front of people I tend to imagine putting on a mask that represents being this persona. It may sound odd, but it makes me feel more confident because that way people aren't actually looking at me. They are looking and judging the act that I want them to see.

    As for the suicidal thoughts, that used to be me when I was about your age. I use to keep a razor blade under my bed and occasionally take it out to try to slit my wrist but never could. Now, I'm extremely grateful that I never went through with it. Things were hard for quite awhile, but accepting myself and coming out really helped. If you think your friend who would use male pronouns would understand and keep a secret, maybe you could tell them about your gender issues. It would give you someone to talk to and hang out with where you could feel like you were being yourself.

    Perhaps you could tell your parents a little bit about how you feel. You don't need to mention anything to do with gender, but just enough to get them to let you talk to a therapist. You might even be able to do some research and find one in your area that is able to help with gender issues as well. I don't know how it is where you are, but in the U.S. you need to see a therapist before you can begin transitioning; that is if you think you might want to transition one day.

    I hope some of this helps.