I would gladly have sex just to keep my boyfriend, even if I prefer women

Just to clear up any confusion, I live with my ex boyfriend. I work two jobs and he is in school full time and we cant afford to live apart this semester because the government didnt give him enough money to get through the semester.

My ex boyfriend knows that I can only orgasm and enjoy sex if I think about other women while we are having sex. At first he didnt mind it but now he says it hurts him that I cant think about him. He basically said there is no way we can ever be together again.

If I could have it my way, I think I would try harder to just have sex with him to fulfill his needs, so he would be calmer and stuff (these days hes constantly angry and yelling) That way as long as I put it as a priority to have sex with him we could stay together.

But he refuses it now because he is more convinced Im gay than I am, I think.

 

I would advise against having sex with him because the feelings aren't true. But there are some things that are not quite clear to me. I know you two are living together, but in what way do you want to keep him (keep him as a boyfriend, keep him in the house so that he's not homeless)? If you mean that you want to keep him as a boyfriend, then I also advise against that. He knows that the feelings are not true, and you should not try to force him to think otherwise. Second, I was confused about whether you want to "keep" him as in physically keep him around the house, and that having sex would be a way to calm him down. I would just leave him alone (sexually) and try to be his friend and understand his feelings. He's probably feeling a lot of betrayal and anguish.

 

I just meant to keep our relationship going, I guess I meant to "keep things the way they were". And I DO understand his feelings. Im completely racked with guilt and depression 24-7 over this. If I think about how much Ive hurt him I want to kill myself.

I would do ANYTHING just to go back in time and back in the closet, or even better, back in time to before we were going out.

Its just I have no friends and no family, Im so alone. I guess thats all I deserve for lying, even though I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I WAS GAY MYSELF.

I feel like a piece of trash that gets tossed from place to place. I dont understand what I do to make people hate me so much.

 

cant you move in with a friend or even your parents/family?

sleeping with him doesnt sound like a good thing to do as you dont seem into it. both people should benefit not just one. im gunna sound harsh him not getting enough money, isnt your problem. if the place is in your name then he should move out, if the place is in his name then you should.... living with someone is one thing but sleeping with them out of guilt is another. if he is voilent/angry then you should leave thats not the best situation to live in.

 

Yeah I definitely want to move out, its just the situation is very complicated, I relied on him for a while when I was unemployed, so this is payback. My 2 jobs are also very part time and unreliable and I'd have to sit down and crunch numbers to figure out if I could afford rent on another place.

I have severe anxiety issues which require me to have more privacy sometimes than the average person, so living in cramped quarters with roommates is out. Obviously I will most likely need roommates in order to be able to afford anything but Im gonna have to pick and choose well to avoid my anxiety triggers.

I have no family (estranged from everyone due to them denying some very intense and prolonged abuse from my dad that lasted my whole childhood). I also have no friends that I am close to enough that I could rely on.

Im planning to try and go back to school starting in January, then can move out in February using a student loan. A job with enough hours is disgustingly unavailable, I tried for a couple of years to find one, so this honestly seems like a good option even though Im in debt.

On an unrelated note Im up in the middle of the night with a massive earache from a cold Ive been battling. My problem solving ablities arent exactly up to speed when Im sick and in pain

 

There is a woman out there for you. It's not right to have sex with someone for an ulterior motive, never was. It's not fair to you, nor to your ex boyfriend. Can't imagine how gross it is having sex with someone who doesn't turn you on a bit. You must have the stomach of a courtesan.

Could you not live together without having sex? If you don't have sex, he turns violent, but if you have sex and he knows you don't think of him, he gets hurt. I don't get it. I thought you're only doing sex to keep him calm, why does it have to involve feelings? Can't he be tamed by meaningless sex?

 

We've actually only had sex once since I came out in July, for several months I was saying it wasnt right anymore and he was trying to iniitiate. Something scared me and made me want to go back in the closet.

@Monmon if you think that's gross, you should have seen some my exes. This guy actually IS really good looking. I honestly have no idea how I had sex with some of my exes.

I guess somewhere along the way I learned to have sex with guys to get them to pay attention to and like me, which is totally unfair I know. But somehow I learned this.

To me too, it doesnt feel "meaningless". Before I came out, it basically felt like I was doing him a favor, and I really care about him so I dont mind doing favors for him.

Somehow I believed this is what all women felt for their boyfriends/husbands. Then again, Ive hardly had any close female friends to compare experiences with. My best female friend growing up is bisexual, and another best female friend I used to hang out with I had a massive crush on and tried to make out with all the time.:icon_redf Most of my closer friends have been straight men.

I realize how ridiculous this belief about sex is now, but I honestly thought (before I came out) that my behavior was normal.

 

Ya thanks Katelynn, I have to admit I do sometimes feel like his mother. He isnt very good with money and often "asks my permission" before he buys stuff. Its always me thats controlling our spending and finances and making sure we are responsible and have enough money to pay our bills, which gets absolutely exhausting. He is the one who gets new clothes and the nice phone etc, (either he buys it or gets gifts from his parents). My entire wardrobe is basically his leftover clothing that doesnt fit him anymore .

On the flip side, he is good with doing laundry. He never cleans the apartment, but he also used to cook dinner for both of us a lot. Since I came out though he's stopped cooking dinner as much, because he says he resents me too much. Since I come home late from work its quite frustrating to be home at midnight and have to have scrambled eggs or tuna for dinner (especially when he says he will make dinner and then doesnt), but I guess I was spoiled before.

Sometimes I get so mad I start hitting myself and calling myself names. If I do this in front of him he lunges at me and if I dont run out of the apartment and into the hallway he will pin my arms down and twist them or pin me down and put his fist in my face. Hes never actually hit me but this scares me to death. Does this count as abuse? Because I am self-harming and he claims he is holding me down to "protect me from myself", but he is very rough and it hurts when he does this.

I do really care about him, but he says every time he looks at me it is painful now, which makes me feel guilty for existing.

 

Even after I wrote the post above, I dont know how much of our problems are my fault and how much are his. I do sometimes "shut down" for a few days from stress and stop eating or being productive (besides working). I guess maybe thats being irresponsible? I dont know.

 

@Ettina thanks for your concern. I need to hear it from someone else, no matter how much I stick up for other women I cant see when Im in a bad situation myself. I guess I am repeating (on a much milder scale) my relationships with my parents.

I cant afford counseling. If I am back in school I can get free counseling, but thats if I get back in in time. I am on a six month waitlist for free counseling at a Womens Centre. The counselor seemed kind of weird there though (when I came in for an assesment), I tried to bring up being gay with her and she kind of acted like I wasnt telling the truth. She gave me a very weird vibe.

 

Ive asked my ex about the pinning down and twisting my arms (when hes calmer) and he says " I dunno I just snap".

Ive suggested that it might count as abuse to him and he says "oh yeah, well why dont you turn me into the police then" in a really defiant way. Its very weird. Or he gets all remorseful and says "Sorry, I should just kill myself" which of course I dont want him to do, so I end up comforting him.

 

*bump*

Im in so much pain. I slept on the couch last night. Hes acting like nothing is happening, bouncing around all happy, while I lie there like a corpse. Im sick (bad cold) and hes not asking me how Im feeling or anything. Ive given up trying to tell him my thoughts or how I feel. I cant believe someone who claims to be my best friend can just turn around and treat me like this.

I tried to bring up him threatening me (when he chased me out of the apartment) 2 nights ago and he just said "I dont know, only you can make me act like that". Its so unfair that he doesnt have to have any insight or self awareness, just threaten people whenever he gets uncomfortable and people think I AM the unreasonable one.

I just feel like my entire reality is turned upside down and I was put on this earth as a toy for people to play around with and then push aside when theyre tired of it.

What is wrong with me that people can treat me like this? What am I doing wrong?