GAH. I need help guys. I'm gonna try and tl;dr this situation as much as possible. I have 3 housemates. The 2 guys are R and P, and the girl is J. Last week, P confided in me and told me he had feelings for J. We've been talking about it a bit and he's kind of concluded he wants to just let his feelings sit for a bit and he'll decide on what to do later, perhaps after the Christmas holidays. P hasn't told anyone else, but has considered telling R. Today, like 30 minutes ago, R just confided in me and he also has feelings for J. Now, he's just recently gotten out of a relationship, so part of it (and he knows) is longing to be close to someone... but he's pretty adamant in the idea that you shouldn't date people you live with. Now, I stand by that same idea: I think that living with people you're dating is bad news. I also think that all 3 of them would probably attest to that same idea. Naturally to preserve my living space, I kind of want to push anyone I can in that direction, but without making it obvious. I feel like (but am not sure) that P and R would be willing to tell each other their problems anyways, regardless if they knew it would be about the same person. Would it be unethical to get them together and have them reveal to each other (or I'll reveal) that they both like J and that either of them dating her is probably a bad idea? Obviously I want to do what's in the best interest of the whole household, but I'm not sure what that is. And how do I go about fishing for opinions without tipping anyone else off?
Sorry guys, I hate to bump a thread (my own at that), but I really need to bounce ideas off of someone. Normally the people I'd talk with are P, or R, or even J... so I'm at a loss at what to do. :/
I think you should tell each of them seperately to tell the other, and then you can sit back and let them do all the talking
Sit down with them and say something like - "I know you both have feelings for J, and I don't think either of you should act on it. She can't date both of you so one of you would be miserable, and you shouldn't date someone your living with anyway"
Tough one. This always seems to happen when you're the trustworthy confessor one in a group of friends, it seems xD I'm not sure I'm in favour of sitting them down together and then making a big reveal to both at the same time. There's situations where you can (even need) to do that, but then you're basically talking about "intervention" level stuff. Not saying it couldn't help, but in my experience, people get antsy if they ask your advice and you then take matters in your own hands. I guess the best thing is for both individually to confess their crush on J, prepare them for disappointment, and let her shoot them down gracefully (do you have any idea about her feelings on the matter?). Talk to them more afterwards and try to motivate them to go out and meet other people. Also, if they both have been rejected, it gets somewhat easier to point them in each other's direction ("Well, being gay and all, I have very little experience with straight crushes. Maybe [the other guy] would be good to talk to?"). Only do that after they both have been rejected, though. Otherwise they might get into competitive mode (where they might end up worrying "what if she DOES pick the other one?") That's just my overly cautious 2 cents, though. how much do you think they want to vent, and how much do you think they want you to actively help out, when they talk to you?
Maybe I'll just let it sit and hopefully they'll both die out... I know what a good idea on what everyone needs to understand is in order to reach the end goal, but I have no idea how to implement it. But man is it eating me up. It's been a long time since I've felt quite this helpless.
Did anyone care to get J's point of view in all this? Who she likes? Would she like any of them? You seem to think that she would agree to go out to whoever asks first.
Well, here's some updates: - R still doesn't want to date J because he thinks it's a bad idea. He's concluded that the best way to get over her is by convincing himself (true or otherwise) that she actually is interested in P. - P says it hasn't been bothering him as much lately, though I don't know if that means he's gotten over feeling guilty for having those feelings, or he's gotten past those feelings altogether. - No idea on what J thinks. As far as I'm concerned, nobody's said anything to her about it. I personally believe she would agree that dating people you live with is bad news, especially if she knew that both were interested in her. - I think due to jealousy (of some sort), now when we're all hanging out, I'm making an effort to be happier/jokier with J, strictly because R and P are doing the same and then I'm feeling really third-wheel-y. And I feel like a dick because of it. --- New plan of action: pull J aside, explain to her what's going on (in confidentiality), and perhaps see what she thinks of all this? And if she happens to not be interested in either of them, then I can honestly relay that information to them to help them get over her. The only conclusive thing I've come up with for this whole scenario is that telling all 3 of them is a terrible idea. :bang:
