Just looking for some advice: I have never made the decision to come out. I've always thought it wasn't the best thing to do, because I hadn't accepted it or felt comfortable with it myself. I thought, if I told people I would be telling them essentially, "I'm unhappy with myself," and I didn't think that was helpful. I wanted to wait until I was able to understand it differently, accept it and be comfortable with it. However, after 11 years of knowing I am gay (I am turning 25 in a week) - this never happened. I pushed myself away from ppl, moved away, i changed my life, became very lonely, unconfident, and sad. Which has only caused me to be more confused, and more lost. I have dated 2 guys, without virtually anyone knowing - both which I felt wrong in 1) because I felt I really shouldn't be in a relationship when I haven't accepted myself and 2) bc i wasn't truly IN love with them (though I loved and cared about them). More recently though, I felt as though I truly found someone I was in love with. This guy, happened to be my ex's best friend - which is a whole other issue in itself. I've been getting to know this guy over the last couple of months, and have found though I am very much in love with him, it isn't mutual. The reason it isn't mutual, in my opinion, is essentially due to my inability to be me (bc of all the stress, unhappiness, confusion) because I haven't dealt with being gay. What really hit me though, was when the first guy I have truly fell in love with said he thought I was a coward for not having been able to come out yet. This really took me back, because I never thought of myself as a coward, I was just simply waiting... trying to deal with the situation the best I possibly could so it would work out. This essentially gave me the extra reason to come out - to reveal to this guy I am not a coward. My question is, should this be the extra reason needed to come out? Is it wrong to partially base your decision on coming out on something like that? If you have any additional questions, let me know.
If you strip away all of the context and asked if motivation from being called a coward was a good reason to do anything, I'd say no. It's like falling for a trap or letting your emotions take control. But I think your friend has good intentions, but chose words that were harsh. I could see it his way--if he's been through a lot of tough times in his life and found the resolve to come out, his perspective about the Closet is probably very different from yours. Anecdotal evidence (and personal evidence) has me saying that when you come out (in a supportive environment), you feel greatly empowered and much stronger. So much so that I see it possible that your friend sees people hiding their sexual orientation as cowards. This is ever more true when someone who is out of the closet becomes a public spokesperson by virtue of being out. Suddenly, the bully, violence and hate becomes a lot more relevant to people who are out because they are the visible targets to haters. That in turns makes closeted people, in this viewpoint, cowards who hide from the fear of being called out. Thus I can see where your friend is going. I think your friend wants you to be out so that you two can enjoy life more and find sources of empowerment. I think it's a neutral reason, not entirely supportive of coming out nor inhibitory because I see many facets in this discussion. My advice is to come out when you're ready. Having friends who are already out is a good starting point.
Personally, I would be very hesitant to come out because of other people if I wasn't ready to myself. But if you can put aside external pressures, and truthfully say that you are pretty much accepting of yourself and feel like it's time to open up, then having that as a further motivation is an ok thing I guess. Your main question was, And to that my answer is essentially no. Partially basing it is alright. Wholly basing it on the other hand is probably a bad idea.
