Self Acceptance

You and me both, I even had a girlfriend for over a year. I know my family would try to accept me, albeit confused, but I just can't help but feel embarrassed that I will never be in the societal norm, I guess. Heck, not even any of my online friends know that i'm gay. The most I ever said was asexual, which is only half in truth. After meeting a very close lesbian friend, I can safely say that i'm not really any longer ashamed of my sexuality.

I'm sure if you stick with being out you'll eventually come to realize that it isn't as big of a deal as you think. As for you feeling like you're a freak, well that will also melt away with time. One problem I can see is that you're comparing yourself to all gays/lesbians as if they all appear to have mutual traits amongst themselves, but that isn't true. Every gay is radically different, like all other people, especially in tastes. Some enjoy a flamboyant lifestyle, whereas others like to keep it low. Some like sports; some like fashion. You're probably sub-consciously looking for someone that shares your interests and if you remain vigilant and show off more confidence, you'll probably find someone that you can confide in, which will certainly make you feel more secure.

Being ashamed of your sexuality makes about as much sense as being ashamed of your nationality, honestly.

 

Hmm, I never had the same level of feelings you did when I was figuring out precisely what my sexuality was, as I have pretty much always felt some level of physical attraction for guys. However, the thought of having a "boyfriend" always weirded me out. I think the reason for this is usually either of (or both) two reasons:

A) You grew up in a negative environment that ingrained the idea in your mind that homosexual relations are disgusting. Despite intellectually getting past that, you still have the underlying conditioning to get over.

B) Popular culture tends to portray a really two-dimensional caricature of gay relationships; gay relationships are all very different from couple to couple, but your average gay couple tends to lack the whole dominant-submissive roles (or at least the roles are more fluid than heterosexual relationships), due to the fact that you're both of the same gender. Pop culture however likes to depict gay relationships as having a masculine male and a feminine male (masculine being dominate, feminine being submissive), and usually one partner will be uber-masculine, the other ultra-feminine ("OH MAH GAWD GIRL THOSE SHOES ARE FABULOUUUUUUS!").

I think that this image is part of which makes it difficult for guys in particular to transition from identifying as straight, to gay (or bi), as it invokes feelings that you must play a weaker role in a relationship, to be submissive. This isn't actually the case, and I think you'll find that relationships with other guys tends to be very balanced; without cut-in-stone dominant-submissive roles.

So as for your feelings, I suspect that the shame you feel comes from a combination of what you were taught lingering in the back of your mind, and a feeling that by being gay you are somehow less masculine (one doesn't have to be extremely masculine to feel threatened by a perceived loss of masculinity), which is of course not true.

Another thing I feel may be affecting your feelings of homosexuality is that perhaps you haven't really thought about the love component of gay relationships. Everyone always focuses on the sexual side of gay relationships (even those with good intentions looking to promote acceptance), so perhaps you haven't seen the benefit of all the fuss about sexuality. As I mentioned earlier, I have always known of my sexual attraction to guys (as well as girls, I'm bi), that's just never been a question for me. I always supported gay marriage, but never imagined myself marrying a man. About a year ago, I read a book (actually two series of books, The Farseer Trilogy and the Tawney Man Trilogy) which for the first time exposed me to "real" homosexuality, a character who had none of the typical stereotypes, but most of all, too his feelings (it helps that the characters in those books are amazingly written). In short, he has a bond with the main character which is very close both ways, but for this secondary character is also attraction (the primary is straight). I don't know how to explain it, but the story of these two characters, and the pure love that the secondary felt for the main character (without any sexual overtones) just made something "click" in my head. Suddenly I saw relationships with the same sex in an entirely different light; I realized that I never considered that I could not only desire another guy, but that I could fall in love with one too.

That was the first part of my transition from being mostly straight to being bisexual, the second and conclusive part came when I actually fell in love with a guy for the first time, which was only 3 or so months ago (I've come a long way since then). I'm younger than you, still in high school (finishing final year though). At the beginning of this year, I came to school and nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that I noticed this guy sitting across from me in one of my classes. I don't know what caught my eye, as it wasn't any kind of sexual attraction, and I knew nothing about him that would interest me, but for whatever reason I just had this burning curiosity for him. Anyways, so I eventually struck up a conversation (still having no feelings for him other than platonic curiosity) and it turns out we share a lot in common. More than anyone I've ever known. I soon learned that he was bisexual, and after that things snowballed. Anyways, to make a long story short my platonic interest quickly turned into this passionate attraction to him. It's not even really sexual (though I do find him attractive), but I just feel this powerful connection to him. We share interests, and we're very similar intellectually. This is actually still ongoing, though it's winding down now as I suspect that he doesn't feel the same for me as I for him. Still, whatever happens I'll remember the feelings I felt, because they are unparalleled by anything else. I love every aspect of him, not just physically, but his personality, his art, everything. That is by definition, love.

That's the key to all of this perhaps, that you feel dirty talking about homosexuality as if it's something less pure than heterosexuality, and it's not your fault. Heck, I grew up in a very progressive family who taught me that there was nothing wrong with being homosexual, yet I still picked up that odd way of focusing only on the sexual side of being gay. You've got to realize that being gay is not just about having sex with guys, but more importantly about actually being able to love a guy. You need to actually fall in love to come to grips with that concept, and unfortunately it's difficult to do so for us, being a minority. You've got to keep your mind open, and circulate around the community more. You have an advantage being publicly out, as that will encourage other gay people around you to tell you as well. Once you meet that someone, I can assure you that all of those doubts you feel will be swept away.