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do you think i should ask my mom if she ever suspected my dad sexually abused me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tapsilog2012, Nov 25, 2012.

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  1. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    I have recovered memories of sexual abuse at the hands of my father when I was very young, about 3 or 4 years old. Before anyone jumps in and says "recovered memories dont exist" I have seen 3 different counselors about this, done tons of research, and all evidence points towards it really happening.

    I am estranged from my mother for other reasons, dont want to get into detail but basically she is extremely manipulative and invalidating.

    I was wondering if anyone thinks its a good idea for me to email her and ask her if she ever suspected the sexual abuse? She has hinted at things in the past that make me think maybe she knew about it. She most likely will deny it anyways but if there is a slim chance she will at least believe me it would mean the world to me.

    Also, if I do ask her, how should I word the email? She lives across the country and calling long distance is out of the question for me.
     
    #1 tapsilog2012, Nov 25, 2012
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    The whole issue of recovered memories is controversial. While I do believe, based on the evidence, that it is possible to repress memories of abuse, and to recover them... one has to have a really, really skilled therapist to avoid inadvertently creating memories during the process of attempting to retrieve them.

    In general, it would not be a great idea to ask your mom out of the blue. If she is manipulative and invalidating, it's unlikely she'd admit even if she did know, because it would make her look like an irresponsible mother.

    But realistically, this would be something you should be discussing with the therapist helping you with the memories, as the issue is so complex and nuanced that you need someone who understands the whole picture well.
     
    #2 Chip, Nov 26, 2012
  3. TheLonelyOne

    TheLonelyOne Guest

    I wonder is I ever was molested. I have really weird sexual gang ups and I view sex as a bad thing and feel guilty. I wonder if I blocked it. I think since ur relationship is already estranged it wouldn't hurt to bring it up.
     
    #3 TheLonelyOne, Nov 26, 2012
  4. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    *possible trigger*

    @Chip what if the memories are recovered on your own during meditation and then discussed with a therapist? Why would I be imagining my dad groping me "down there" every time I clear my mind and feeling the groping? Because thats what keeps happening to me. And Im extremely resistant to believing its real too. But its been haunting me for months.

    There is also other evidence, as in the first time I wanted to have sex he tried to call me and tell me to wait until I was older "because sex feels better to older women"....going into an inappropriate conversation.

    I also had ecoli once which triggered a psychosis (at 18). During the hospitalization I believed he had molested me. Granted I was whacked out of my mind at the time, but he reacted with an utter panic that seemed kind of disproportionate. He is a psychiatrist and tried to treat me himself, interfering with my meds, yelling at the doctors who were treating me, continuing to try to convince my mom to keep me heavily medicated even when I left the hospital (luckily they had split and I wasnt living with him anymore).

    The last time I saw him, at my brothers wedding, he kept running away from me as though he was terrified of me.

    Honestly, do you still think there isnt ANYTHING to these memories?

    And I cant afford counseling all the time, so even though its weird to be posting all this on a forum I quite frankly dont care anymore.
     
    #4 tapsilog2012, Nov 26, 2012
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    I wasn't trying to imply your memories weren't accurate or true, just suggesting you be cautious. Memories that come up during meditation or dreams *can* have truth to them, but they can also be constructed or a combination of truth and fantasy.

    That's why I suggest therapy.

    I can see that his response *could* be triggered by your remembering things he did... but playing devil's advocate, if he's completely innocent, he could also be deathly afraid of those sort of accusations, as, being a psychiatrist, they could destroy his career.

    I'm in no way trying to discount your experience, only to advise you to proceed with caution. And my best advice is to find a way to get therapy. In many areas, you can find a therapist intern that will work with you at no or very low cost. Depending on where you are in Canada, I might have some resources that could help.

    But going into this without professional support would not be a wise move, in my opinion.
     
    #5 Chip, Nov 26, 2012
  6. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    What if all 3 of the counselors I have seen have treated it as though it is a real event, even though I keep insisting I dont want to "make things up?" Should I keep searching until I find a therapist who doesn't believe me?
     
    #6 tapsilog2012, Nov 26, 2012
  7. yes

    yes
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    i think if you were to ask her it'd be better to do it face to face, as, if she's lying you might be able to tell from her facial expression, tone of voice etc.
    if you can't visit her cause she's far away, i'm not sure if it's worth it, as it'd be quite weird for her to tell the truth - there's very little for her to gain in telling you and if she's cruel she probably won't care that you want to know...
    also about the memories, if you aren't already doing this, write about it, draw etc, your feelings and thoughts, that's a good way of dealing with it if you can't get into therapy/therapy's not working
    best of luck!
     
    #7 yes, Nov 26, 2012
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