I’m going through a really rough time at the moment. Until recently, I was part of a group of friends. Admittedly, I have always ‘needed’ a group of friends, because growing up, I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. My parents wanted the best for me and they always encouraged me to attend extra-curricular classes where my friend’s parents were older and always used to hang out with each other. My parents never made an effort with other parents and I felt like I always had to make an extra effort to fit in and please people. They expected me to be naughty (having been born to young parents) and I always had to prove myself otherwise. As a result, I became a people pleaser and always put other people before myself. Fast forward to recent times…recently, my friend started acting strange towards me. She flirted and played on my emotions, saying that she had various abortions and that she was traumatised. Being a good friend I looked after her and text her regularly to see if she needed help. Things got worse and she started to flirt with me, winking and saying that she couldn’t live without me and that I was the funniest woman ever, complementing me and making me feel amazing about myself. I started to think I was gay because I started to develop feelings towards her but I did not feel sexually attracted to her. I felt increasingly guilty for having these feelings and I couldn’t discuss them with my fiancé. I ended up getting really confused and one night I started to kiss her. She just sat there and when I asked if she had been flirting she started laughing and said that she didn’t feel that way towards me at all. I was distraught because I thought I loved her (I did, but not in a sexual way) and rushed home to see my fiancé. I told him everything and he was very supportive. I phoned the woman to explain my feelings but she just laughed hysterically when I told her how I felt and how I felt like I was going to lose my fiancé and all my friends in one day. I also told my other friends that I had developed feelings for her, but I didn’t know what they meant and that she had been flirting with me. But the woman had got in there first and they started suggesting that it was all in my head because when you fancy someone, you start thinking that they flirt with you because you’re looking for those behaviours. She had made me out to be a lesbian, cheating, lying, crazy-making woman to all my friends. As a consequence, they’ve all been keeping their distance and what’s worse, the woman has been playing the victim by saying that she felt violated that I kissed her and that she felt vulnerable that I had kissed her. For around a month, I had wanted to seek revenge on her but I figured out that this is what she wanted, no matter if it was positive attention (the texts, phone calls to see if she was OK) or negative attention (revenge, hating etc) that was all she wanted. I discovered that she must have been hurt in her life (and she had been – by her ex boyfriend) and that she needed the attention because she felt unloved and insignificant in her life. I have forgiven her for this reason, I know she didn’t do it to hurt me and to be honest, I feel sorry for her (not in a mean way). I do not hate her, I don’t hate anyone, I feel love for everyone and if they’re nasty, then there must be a reason for this nastiness. Nevertheless, she still invites me out to places to celebrate and I am unsure about what to do. I don’t want to say no because I want to stay friends with the other friends that I have, but I also don’t want to say, yes because I can’t be friends with her. She wont let anyone close and to be friends with her is difficult and energy draining. There is no relationship because she won’t give anything away and therefore there is no trust, no nothing. So what do I do? Do I go and celebrate with her or just not go?
This woman sounds like she has some real issues, and she needs to work through them before she is able to be a decent friend to anyone. I applaud your willingness to forgive her, but I have to say she sounds potentially toxic to me. I personally would have a much harder time being kind toward someone who had played with my emotions that way, and exposed me to such unnecessary and unkind drama. It's great that you are so compassionate toward her, but I fear it won't end well for you if you continue to spend time with her, and let her have the chance to wreak havoc in your life again. Is only seeing her as part of a group an option? I just feel like it would be reckless to spend time with her alone, and be always waiting for whatever bit of warped mischief she decides to get up to next.
I agree, I don't particularly want to spend time with her because she's very draining. It's all about her and what she's been up to. I know she is sick and she has, as you say, real issues and that's why I can forgive her. To be around her is another matter. I just fear that my friends will think less of me because in their minds I messed with her head trying to make her into a lesbian. Your thoughts?
