About 8 months ago, I finally decided to join here at EC, and post about my thoughts regarding my sexuality. Just to recap: I'm 19. I've been watching gayish porn since I was maybe 12, but never really connected the dots until a couple of years ago. Now I'm pretty sure I'm gay (as my profile says), though I don't really want to be. I know I have to get over it and just accept it, but I keep thinking of "what-ifs" whenever I meet a girl even though I'm not 100% sexually attracted to her. Still, I truly feel like I want a boyfriend and prefer the thought of a penis over the alternative, but can't really see myself being with a guy. I find guy-guy romance kind of......strange(?), but don't strongly crave a female partner. I can get off to either type of porn, but prefer the gay (even furry) kind. I also am not a huge fan of the dainty or really manly gays, and harsh lisps are not my cup of tea. I don't mean to offend, by the way. I'm just too picky for my own good. I just ultimately I can't decide. So instead of deciding between the two, I picked, "screw it." If I couldn't figure out something as basic as what gender I'm physically attracted to, I'd just actively ignore sexual urges for a bit, hoping things would sort themselves out by the time I tried to pick up where I left off. Besides, working full time during the summer days and kicking back with friends (all male, all straight) during the evenings, I didn't have much alone time to just sit back and reflect. So I stopped thinking about my little secret, of which absolutely nobody knows. During that time I didn't watch porn, didn't masturbate, and certainly tried my best not to contemplate my sexuality. Yeah, it was hard, and I can't say it was a complete success, but I managed. And you know what? I became somewhat straight. Hanging out with a group of 8-10 straight (though some are metro) guys, and working in an all-male work environment for 4 months did manage to change my mentality on sexual preference. By the end of the summer, I was sort of thinking of girls the way I "should" be, even though I wasn't perusing any. I did have a girlfriend when I was 14, but nothing really came of that. We never even kissed. I was way too shy and self-conscious from a lack of basic friendship from when I was in elementary school. Being personable was never my strong point. I wanted to kiss her, and was even at one point considering suggesting sex, but we broke up before I got the chance to do either. Not wanting to have that "heartbreak" again, and after seeing how dumb most of my dad's ex's were after a breakup, I stayed away from relationships. So I'm still very much a virgin in both genders. Almost 20, and haven't even kissed anyone yet. Heheh... Aside from getting over the whole "virgin" bump in the road, it would seem easy to find a girl to experiment with, but a guy? It doesn't help that I don't have any gay friends, and I'm not a huge club-goer or a big drinker, so I can't see myself going to a gay bar. Regardless of this, missing out on parties and club nights because I work every darn weekend doesn't help, either. I have gone to a straight strip club and was forced into a lap-dance by a pushy stripper, but that hardly counts I suppose. Anyways...fast-forward to lately. I'm now in school again (second year, university). I'm 19, going on 20 in a couple of months, and I feel as though I've relapsed once again (probably not the best choice of words; I do apologize). I'm now having gayer thoughts than ever, or at least it feels that way. I still feel those "what-ifs" when I meet a girl in one of my classes, and almost asked one on a date. She seemed extremely nice and was attractive and all, but I couldn't bring myself to it. To some degree, I felt like I'd be trying to prove a point where there was no point to be proven. Now though, I really wish I had done it. I want to experiment with both genders before I make the big move and come out to people. I don't want to tell people and change opinions about me, and then have it turn out that the "gay" thing was like drunk fighting with the bouncer: it all just seemed to work out better in my head. (not that I've done that). Another thing is that I don't put on any kind of act, either. I don't try to act straight, other than agreeing with people when they go, "Look at her!!" Even then I usually have to agree with them. I just don't feel a desire to act on it like they might. I don't lisp, and I don't hide my interests based on what crowd I'm with. I just naturally seem straight, which is probably why I've been able to hide it for so long. This is also where most of my confusion stems from. If I'm so effortlessly straight acting, then why am I so gay? I feel like I'm almost too straight to be gay, but too gay to be straight. I just come off as...average. My friends say I'm some sort of link between the majority of their interests. I'm some sort of Stig (TopGear) mechanic geek artist comedian who listens to all types of music, isn't overly competitive, generous but firm, etc. etc.... But now add gay to that list? When a friend tells someone else about me, they probably say something like, "You know, my buddy who's good with cars..." or just "My friend from high school...." I'd be willing to bet that when I come out, all that will be replaced by, "Well, my gay friend...." I know I'd do it if one of them came out to me, but I don't really want to be referred to as that, regardless of connotation. Lately this has just gotten me really depressed. I feel a constant urge to tell my friends. Like every time I see them, I just want to say, "By the way..." But there are so many reasons I can't. Some of them I'm afraid they'll lose interest in the friendship (one is rather religious), and although most of them seem to be accepting to the whole "gay" issue, I'm just not sure how they'll take it. I've been friends with them for about 3 years now, and we've done a lot together. There have been SOOO many gay jokes (as most straight crowds seem to do these days, though I haven't taken offense to any, and I'm usually the first one to stop the joke before it goes too far), I've slept in the same bed with some of them, etc. and I'm just not sure how they'll react to my coming out after all of this. Also, I don't want my parents to know. My dad hasn't expressed the highest of regards towards the gay community, openly using the word "faggot" as a kind of joke-insult towards my younger brother (who is undoubtedly straight), which my friends don't do. I kind of need a place to stay, and I know that even if my dad was accepting enough of it, I'd never hear the end of it. Like I said, though: to my knowledge I have no gay friends. I don't even know where to begin. I know there are a lot of questions placed throughout this novel of a post, but I just want some kind of pointer. Where do I go from here? I want to come out to friends, but don't want the consequences (as most would say).
It does sound like you're more than likely gay. And also being gay does not mean you have to fit any of the stereotypes. There are far more "regular/normal" acting/looking guys than there are stereotypical feminine ones out there. The latter are just easier to spot and often stand out and sadly is what is often portrayed in the media. Myself for example, I'm completely gay and have zero interest in girls, yet I'm heavily into cars and working on my own(one of which is a decently modified track car). I enjoy beer and hanging out with my straight guy friends. And I just happen to be gay. Yes, I added it to the list. Your friends will accept you if they truly value you as a person and the friendship that you share with them. You're still the same person, other than the fact that they would now know you are attracted to the same sex, which in the grand scheme of things is a small detail about you and most likely wouldn't really make a difference in your everyday interactions with them. As for your family, you are right in that it would probably be wise to not tell them right now since you are still dependent and can't afford to lose their support or housing. It's really unfortunate, but you need to look out for yourself.
You know, that's how I would have described my original questioning phase. In retrospect, though, it turned to be out to be a bit of a mental delusion. I wasn't really "failing to figure it out". The attraction to guys was always there, while the attraction to girls needed to be consciously forced. What I failed to do was getting the conclusion I wanted, so it was easier to blame "faulty data" rather than just accepting what was staring me in the face. So your post sounds a bit like that. Sounds like you feel attracted to guys in reality, even if you really like the idea of a straight life. focusing on what you like in reality is usually a better path than focusing on a platonic ideal, though. Now, I'm not saying that you're not allowed to date girls, but I do think you're right in not doing it just to make a point to yourself. At the very least, there should be a feeling of "yeah, this girl is pretty awesome. I really DO want to try all of that relationship stuff with her!". If that doesn't come naturally, I can pretty much guarantee there isn't a secret world of heterosexuality that's going to open up if you press ahead. Yeah, it's odd to think of yourself as gay if you don't fit the stereotype. The ease with which I appeared straight to all the world is probably what kept me in the closet to my mid-20s. Even after I came out, I avoided calling myself gay for the longest time, really. I preferred to go for "well, I'm just the same Filip you always knew. Straight as I always was, only I happen to prefer guys!". ..and I still think that was a pretty decent way to do it. Yeah, purists might take offense, but the important thing is not which word you use. It's being honest and not feeling like you're lying all of the time. I'd even dare and go as far as saying that the best part abut being out is not feeling like you're carrying a big secret around all of the time. It's remarkable how much time and energy that frees up. My friends were even pretty accomodating. Instead of calling me gay, they were so nice as to pick up on me never using that world and use other ways. Such as mentioning "dating dudes" or even just "Now, Filip, are you seeing anyone yet? *nudgenudge winkwink*" Occasionally, I'd get an "oh, you homo", but... no more than I got before I was out (and none of them had a clue at that point). Do they mention I'm gay when I'm not present? Well, yeah. it happens, I'm sure. Though I'm also pretty sure they'd never put it as the only thing there's to know about me. If they are referring sports, I'll be "Filip, my mate who does judo", when they're referring science, I'll be "Filip, my mate who's an engineer", and when they refer dating, I'll be "Filip, my mate who's gay". Now, how did I get to this? Mainly by coming out carefully and one step at a time. The one thing to remember about coming out is that it doesn't have to be this big announcement made in the middle of a party. It's perfectly acceptable of telling it only to one friend at a time, or very small groups. Pick the ones who are most likely to not care and be supportive first. Yes, this will mean some discussion will ensue. What it's like realising you're not straight, how long you've known, whether you're already dating someone, who already knows, who is/isn't allowed to know, the works. That is, again, not a bad thing. It allows you to flesh out what your position is. And it might very well include telling them you don't like to be called out on it or for things to change just yet, and just want them to know. Also, having some discussion tends to flesh it out for them too. In that way, it won't just be "Mike likes guys!", but "Oh, now I see where he's coming from!" After you told a few select ones, it gets much easier to work out who to tell next and in what order. Leave the least supportive ones for last, and trust a bit on the social pressure. Usually, once they see that the rest is supportive, they come around too. Last but not least, it's also a bit of "show, don't tell". If you want to make sure the gayness is one teeny little detail about you, then just continue going what you always did. go out, have fun hanging out together, discuss cars, music, other hobbies. Take the gay jokes in stride and dish them out. don't be afraid to discuss gay topics or roach them if you feel, but also don't hesitate to completely forget about it on other occasions. Pretty soon, they'll start figuring out it doesn't have to impact your life more than, say, taking on a new hobby would. Or, at least, that's my 5 cents. I do hope it can work for you as well!
I know it's not the best thing to try and label your own sexuality, but I just feel like I need to do it for the sake of my own sanity. I feel almost comfortable trying to describe my attractions it in this fancy little graph: Physical attractions (i.e. looks): Men |---------|*--------| Women = bi Romantic attractions: Men |-------*-|---------| Women = bi Sexual attractions: Men |--*------|---------| Women = gay I kind of think that this would properly describe where I currently sit with my sexuality (would I even call it that at this point?). I'm bi, leaning towards gay; which is what I originally thought. The problem that I'm seeing is that it's always changing. Depending on who I'm with; who or what I'm thinking about; how I'm feeling; who I think of coming out to; how I'm thinking of my sexuality...it always differs. For example, I feel as if I'm more attracted to a clothed woman that a naked one. A naked woman feels almost alien to me. Alien in the respect that I have little desire to see one; not as in "exotic", like most straight men tend to describe it. I prefer the idea of being with a man (lying in bed, cuddling, etc.), but when I think of myself and a "partner" in a 3rd-person perspective (or from a photograph), a man just seems...strange. Now with regards to sexual attractions, I've always preferred men. Whenever I imagine sex, it's typically with a guy. I've had a few dreams involving women, but I can't seem to replicate those feelings inside my conscious mind. The part that's really eating away at me is that I spend the majority of my day thinking about coming out. Who should I tell? How should I tell them? What would make them freak out the least? Who will they tell? What happens if someone takes it wrong? How will I keep it away from my family? Should I even bother keeping it away from my family? What happens if they find out? Do I want it on Facebook? Should I join the support group at my university? What if the wrong people find out from that? How will people at my work (who seem to be the most homophobic of all...and who have connections with my father) react if they find out? Does anybody even need to know? Is it any of their business? If so, who needs to know? And after all of this: I'm out...what now? After I think of this and the amount of time and effort it's going to take to keep everyone (including myself) happy, I feel the need to just TRY one more time to convince myself I'm straight. This throws my whole "chart" above off balance even more, and makes me feel like I'm starting from square 1. All in the course of a week. Or less.
